The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter is not going into treatment. She has spent the last week drunk every day and has made no arrangements to go into the center. Everything as usual is a lie and all she wants is for someone to rescue her and take care of her. She doesn't seem to be able to do anything to help herself. My dilemma is that I really can do nothing more and it's tearing me apart. Am I doing the right thing by letting her fend for herself now? She has all the resources available to her but appears to reject them all. Nothing we do has helped and now to save my sanity, the peace of mind (!) of my husband, we have to let go, but have we really left no stone unturned? Help!
I am glad you are here. You are in the right place.
I was wondering how old your daughter is. My son is my A and he is currently in prison. I pray it doesn't end up there with your daughter. It doesn't really matter what stone you leave unturned, if your daughter wants to drink she is going to until she is ready to quit.
You have to take care of you. Do what you need to do so that you don't end up sick or worse.
What have you done nice for yourself today? Keep coming here and keep posting. Someone will come along that can give you better advice than me. I am not good with words. But I am feeling for you, have been in your shoes.
My prayers are with you. I am a single parent of an A-dau. I don't know that there is a RIGHT answer. I still struggle with worrying about having done that. I did it 15 yrs ago. AGONY !!! This is a tough, rough, heart-wrenching decision to make, stick by, and live with. We can't control an active A. I decided if I took care of it, GOD wouldn't and the outcome is up to HP anyway.
As long as we take care of them they don't deal with their own consequences. It delays everything in my opinion. Mine was also violent back then . She knew I didn't approve of it. And the harder I pushed the worse it got and more determined she was to do it.
If you work the steps , they work. Not a cure all for the A, but your sanity. Letting go of a child was the most horrible thing I ever did, but a necessary thing.
My heart goes out to you.................BLESSINGS
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Hi, I read your post and cried! My heart goes out to you. I can't identify with your situation as such, I haven't any children so am not qualified to comment other than as a human-being, a daughter and a fellow Al-anon. However, I do identify with your feelings. I've always felt it must, in some ways, be harder to 'let go' of your children as opposed to a spouse and I know how difficult that was! I personally can't imagine what my life would be without the support and love of my Mum but I know that addiction changes everything.
I was told I had to get out of the way and let my A find his bottom. I was terrified as I knew that could be insanity or worse. Eventually, I couldn't take any more pain and stepped aside. It worked out well for us. Sadly, I know that's not the case with all A's. I feel that only you can make the decision that's right for you. You are the one who will have to live with those choices albeit with the love and support of the fellowship. When the time was right, I knew what I had to do for me. All I can SUGGEST is that you turn to your HP and ask for his guidance and strength. I will be praying for you and yours. With much love
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is so hard when it is your child. Especially when letting go of them is probably the only chance they have. With a spouse, you can get angry and even leave. You can meet someone else and hopefully go on with your life. You can never really leave your child. He or she is always on you mind, no matter what. My son's father was an alcoholic (dead now) and I was able to leave him and remarry and have a good life. Now, my son has inherited his father's illness and it hurts so much worse. I cannot be angry with him anymore. He did not ask for this. I literally visulize putting him in God's hands and then getting out of the way. I really think that this is happening in my life for a reason. For one thing it has drawn me much closer to a spiritual life. I feel Him working in my life. This program has also helped so much with detaching. I do not question my son anymore about anything. That is a miracle in itself. I was obsessive over knowing everything that he was doing and why he was doing it. When it creeps back into my mind I just say "Take him God...he's yours and please give me peace of mind".
I hope that you can find the peace you need today.
(((((((Ex))))))))) First thing that came to mind for me was the 3 C's You didn't Cause it, You cant Control it and You cant Cure it. Seems like that applys really well with your situation with your daughter and might be something you can repeat to yourself when your head starts running away with you.
My children aren't grown yet so i am not in the same exact situation as you with a child alcholic, but rather my husband and many of my family members are a's. I like to think of their drinking as a fall from a high point, and us, down there at the bottom trying to catch them all the time so they dont get hurt. Time after time, we protect them from landing on their butts, but if we are always that soft pillow for them to land on, they may never feel what they need to feel because we are always there protecting it from them all the while taking the true pain of the fall. I like the saying "you gotta give them the dignity to live and die the way they choose."
You gotta make the right choice for you as far as how much to help your daughter. I can only imagine how hard it is not too. Maybe praying and meditating on the serenity prayer might be really helpful right now too.
I am also the parent of a child addict/alcoholic.....he's 19. We had to ask our son to leave our home as his disease and lies were hurting the rest of the family. It was the hardest thing we've ever done as parents, but we had to give him to God. We knew at the time, by letting him stay, we would be enabling him....it was just too comfortable here. He spent a couple weeks staying with various friends, miserable and very angry. We have hope that God will work in his heart and he will come to the place where he can surrender to God and work his recovery. In the darkest times, we have always had hope. Like you, we have done everything possible to help our son, but we realized that we couldn't do this for him.....only he could with God's help. God has been with us this through this ordeal and is with our son. We are trusting God. I feel for you and know your pain first hand. I will be praying for you and your daughter. May God give you strength and wisdom.....
To everyone who replied to me today. You have all helped enormously - simple suggestions I know but invaluable. Just to hear someone else say what I am trying to say to myself helps.
To mastiff. A wonderful reminder to "give them the dignity to live and die the way they choose" I was reminded of that a couple of weeks ago when my daughter was in one of her rages and kept repeating how "everyone" was trying to control her. Now I know why.
To Mel. I can empathize with your agony in telling your son to leave. My international phone is unplugged today as neither my husband nor I can bear to listen to the crying and harden our hearts. We did not bail her out when she was arrested for drunk driving and that was devastating. Unfortunately it did not work.
I am wrestling with the knowledge that my daughter may never recover and am trying to prepare myself for her not being here while at the same time trying to be an emotional support.I never thought of myself as ever being in this situation. However most of us don't get through life without any burdens.
To everyone else, a heartfelt thank you. You really are a lifeline at the moment. Every time I return home, I check for new messages. They really do heal.
I am sorry to hear this. Sometimes detachment can be very very painful. Sometimes it is the only way to go. I know I have had to detach from my younger sister and a great deal of what the A does most of the time.
I think it is very very difficult but I know obsessive worry got me nowhere but very very ill.
