The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I attended my weekly F2F Al-Anon meeting today and someone who shared touched on an Al-Anon book they were reading that dealt with loss. The person sharing has recently lost their spouse to alcoholism, but the sharer said that in the book on loss they speak of how the feelings of grief and loss begin far before there is an actual parting. As sharing continued through the group so many touched on the subject of grief and loss and I was actually to struck to speak about it. This is exactly how I am feeling today. So sad for the loss of a relationship that was so central to my life, even helping me to define myself. I am grieving the loss of the things we used to do, the talks we used to have and maybe most of all, the life I had looked forward to in my head. Those damn expectations are dying a slow and painful death. I have been very emotional all afternoon now just being sad and feeling the grief. I feel like I should be better at this. Farther along in the 10 months I have spent in Al-Anon and better able to handle these feelings. I know it is progress not perfection, but right now I don't even feel the progress. Only the sadness and the feelings of wanting what was and fearing what our new relationship is looking like. Maybe I need to add another meeting this week. To help me through the swamp I am feeling I am in.
Thanks for listening.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Bethany - so sorry that your grief is strong today - I can relate. It took me a while to be able to feel 'healthily' and then even longer to grieve that which wasn't - either any more or fantasized by me. I still have moments of grief when I realize that I have 2 sons and one doesn't speak to me and the other seems to only want to come by when he's under the influence. It can be very painful if I dwell......and ... I will do what I can to not dwell, as the program has taught me to use some tools and try to change my attitude. I truly have other things to be grateful for. I have many peaceful moments I didn't have before and I have the 'best that is yet to come'.
I understand where you are and do think a second or third meeting would be a great self-care plan. Do a few other things for you, just for you and talk to others. I am only able to rise above my grief by getting outside of myself through gratitude and service work. Of course, doing inventory on what's 'eating my lunch' helps as does discussions with my sponsor.
Focus, as best you can, on what's working. This is a huge shift I had to embrace as I tended to go the other way - focus on what's not working or broekn.
You are not alone - we're here for you and just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Bethany I can certainly identify I have had a "Requiem or my dreams" and it felt appropriate. Owning the grief, sharing it and finally being wiling l to accept life on life's terms with the help of HP was what worked for me. Give yourself permission to grieve.
An additional meeting might be a good idea . It is a process.
You will often hear in program "Feelings are not facts..." and I remember learning that myself while also learning that as long as I had memory the feelings would always be there and so all I had to do was feel them for the amount of time I chose and not let them own me...no become a slave to them. That was rocket science for this exNASA employee which worked charms and still does. Feelings cannot harm, hurt or enslave me any more. Yay. Separate the good ones form the not-so-good ones and move on. (((((hugs)))))
This is my first day reading about Al-anon. I am 4 days out of my 2 year relationship with a serious addict. I'm sorry if I say things I'm supposed to use acronyms for, I will learn "the speak" soon. I wish I could take a week or two off from work just to grieve and feel the feelings and let them go but I'm at work and trying to focus and I'm not doing very well. A couple of times a day I have to go to the restroom and cry in a stall. I have posted a couple of things on social media. Not bombarding people with my sadness but just a few posts that 1. the breakup happened because I didn't know of an easier way to let friends and family know. I was very non-accusatory, asked no one to take sides. I have worked really hard to accommodate my ABF by my moving out and staying with a friend in a really crappy apartment while I let my ABF stay in our beautiful home while I continue to pay the bills. Could you feel a little bitterness in that? I have tried to keep communication open with him, as we do have the business of breaking up we have to do. That's mine, this is yours.... I have asked him to leave, he says it will take until April until he has enough money. I know how much money he has and he will have enough money on his next paycheck. So I don't really understand why he is dragging this out so long. I have extended the olive branch of friendship to him, maybe it's too soon for him. I sent him a text two days ago and said I care, I hope you are doing ok. He wrote back he wasn't but he wasn't going to make a big deal about it (which I read to mean, like YOU are doing on social media). He rebuffs any kindness I extend but, to be fair, I knew since we were dating in high school what a hateful and unforgiving person he is. He has idolized his high school best friend who was nothing but a bad influence and a serious addict as well who died young from his disease. He uses his birthday, the anniversary of his death, the anniversary or even the memory of his fathers death as an excuse to drink to blackout and lash out at me. He has been abusive verbally to me, I'm sure I don't need to relay the things he has said, I'm sure you have all heard them before. And when I try to calmly talk to him about how hurtful that is, he blames me for his actions. I know I have to get off the CrazyMachine, so I left. Sometimes I feel a tiny gleam of hope, most of the time I am deeply grieving the loss of the EXPECTATIONS or desires I had for our relationship. This was really going to be THE ONE this time. I'm 45, I feel like I'm running out of time and I really had a LOT pinned on him, and he had the same expectations of me. We would spend the last 20 years or so we had left together. But the last two years together were soaring highs and unbearable lows. And the inbetween was just as bad. I was so lonely. We would be in the same room but it was like I was there alone, and he was there with his addiction of choice. He just completely checked out. Daily. One day we were supposed to take a trip to visit his family. He wasnt working, so he spent his days overindulging in his favorite addiction. I came home from work, we were going to leave that night, so he was supposed to be resting for the long drive ahead. Oh, he was resting! He was face down on our brand new mattress naked in his own urine and vomit. I stood there shaking. It took a REALLY long time to rouse him. He was angry that I was angry. I ended up driving 18 hours after working 10. The whole time of course, stewing silently in my "righteous fury" and he silently angry at me for being mad at him for what he had done. I left a couple of times before this. This is the 3rd time. He never tried to make amends. I always came crawling back to him, begging him to work on things. (shaking my head). But the GRIEF. The grief. It is disabling. It is incapacitating. It is so awful it feels like I am DYING. I WISH that I was dying because then I would know there would at some point be an end. I pray. Every day, every hour, sometimes i pray just to get through the next five minutes. My mind says "no one is worth all of this" and I agree with myself. And then my heart says I AM BROKEN!! YOU WILL NOT IGNORE ME!! So I suck myself back into self-pity. Righteous indignation. Self-doubt. Anger. Depression. Fear. Hopelessness. Aloneness. Pity for him. Compassion. Love. Hate. But of all of these... grief. I grieve for the loss of him. I loved him more than life itself, co-dependent I will do anything for you even at the cost of losing me love. Sick, need help love. I know I am in the right place and maybe need to go back to CoDa (I thought I was cured of that 12 years ago. Ha!) as well. Sorry for the long post and thank you.
cmcd: It's good you got out of that sick relationship! BE grateful and happy! A much better person can come into your life now! I would stay away from people with serious addictions like I would stay away from bee hives!!!! They're bad news!
cmcd1070 - Please be gentle with yourself. From your post I can see you have been very honest and generous with your ABF. Now it it is time to be honest and generous with yourself. As JerryF so wisely said, feel it and then move on. That is what I am trying to do.
Hugs to you.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
cmdc, I would guess the reason he is dragging this out is that he doesn't want to leave the luxurious home where he's having bills paid for him. If my experience with alcoholics is any guide, he will try to drag it out far beyond April. They generally don't provide for themselves unless they have no other choice. In my experience, no amount of explaining or convincing or appealing to reason or kindness will make any difference. We are rational but they are not. All he knows is that staying in that nice house with his bills paid is very cozy and luxurious and something he wants to hang onto as long as possible. So you might want to consider what your options are if he does not go when he's supposed to. They never have "enough money" to do something they don't want to do.
Thank you so much for your insight. I'm just learning soooo many things. I'm worried because it says "don't make any major decisions for the first six months". Should I wait to make a decision about him?
cmcd1070 - that's a great question and one that only you can answer. For instance, if you don't make a change, will you be hurt, broke, unemployed, etc. if you wait. That's how I use that suggestion about major decisions. Another way that I look at decisions that are affecting me now - would I allow another person the same latitude? Would I expect the same latitude?
An example - my son wanted to move back home. He signed an agreement about drug-free/substance-free home. He broke the agreement. I was upset, sad, hurt, angry, etc. - all that we go through when we have hopes for different, and he was hell-bent on the 'crazy train'. So, I suggested he needed to move out as he's broken our agreement. He delayed, ignored, etc. and then snappily suggested that a 'normal sane person' would give him notice. I hadn't given any deadline, just asked him to take action.
I did exactly as he requested - I gave him 30 days notice. He waited until day 29, but we both had the date in our brains, I was counting down (difficult for me to watch my child be under the influence) and he was doing his own thing. He did find another place, and he did move out. All on the last day with our help but it got done.
So, give yourself some time to absorb the program, go to meetings, listen to others and then 'act as if' it weren't a relationship but rather a business transaction. I use this quite often as it helps me say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean.
(((Hugs))) - just for today, you don't have to decide anything and only you can determine when is the right time.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
