The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to an al-anon meeting last night and read afterwards and I had an awaking moment afterwards. I realized that every man that I had gotten into a serious relationship with and lived with not only all alcoholics but have the same issues. I need to go home. I need to go home. They are not from the city I am living in and all have this urge to go home to where they are from. I remember, my first and 2nd husbands, they had the same issues and both went home to their home province (state in the USA), without me and are miserable being home and want to leave again. When I was with my first husband, (2 years) all I heard is I want to go home, there is nothing here for me. Sure enough he went and 25 years he is not happy. He is living with his parents and not employed and depressed. 2nd husband, my kids father, I heard that for 10.5 years. Sure enough he too, went home and is miserable, depressed and now wants to move again. Both remarried and 1st husband and wife divorced. 2nd husband, remarried and is now in therapy for 3 months in the city he hated, and where I live. His wife is in his hometown, while he is in therapy. I just refuse to talk to him and hear his misery. Not my problem. And now, I have current bf, and I am hearing the same things, I am miserable, there is nothing here for me, I need to go home (across the country to PEI) and be with family. All I do is work and work and life is passing me by. I have been here for 15 years and I need to go home and start living. I am like wow..these men I have dated are so messed up that they believe a geographic move will solve all their problems. I have been in this city for 16 years and I am not from here, my home town is 9 hours drive and I have come to accept that this is home. I did go home last summer and I felt disconnected and did not belong. It was a relief to return to the city where I now live. I am picking men that are not only miserable, alcoholic but believe that when they go home to where they are from, life will get better, they will have support and family. I have come to see that their reality is very distorted. I believe you need to be where you are now and make the absolute best of it what ever that looks like and create a fantastic life where your at. I am doing that and accepting that yes, I am not from here, but this is my home. This desire to move home, I believe is a way to avoid working on yourself and getting support. I have support here and I have no desire to move home today. Maybe tomorrow that will be different, but for today, I am at peace with being here today. As well, listening to their crying to go home, effects me. Its like they are crying for their mother and not accepting what is in front of them. What I need to do, is when I hear that I need to go home deal again, is say, ok, go and let me know how that works for you and stop discussion. I also see that they use going home as a way to remain distant emotionally, mentally, physically from the relationship with me. Its like their heads are in the clouds, making all these plans of when I get home, yet their body is here. They are just not present and I played into that game of theirs by listening and being their sounding board. I need to set boundaries around that and when they start again, I can say, ok, do what you need to do and end discussion or walk away. So what I have realized is I am picking men that are not present in today, maybe I am not present either and that is why I keep picking these kind of men. Any feedback would be good. Thanks
Joker all this stuff takes time be patient with yourself. We all did not get like we are Overnight. Most of us were brought up In dysfunction and /or alcoholism or Sometimes worse.
If you need dv therapy go there for help. Most Everyone does whatever works and helps Them. Some of us have deeper Unresolved issues.
I go to alanon, drug and alcohol therapist And divorce care. I needed help on Many levels.
Keep working your alanon and ftf meetings, go To as many as you can. During my seperation And divorce i could have stood a meeting A night to keep my sanity.
There is so much to learn with an open mind And willingness to grow and change. It takes Time also learning to love yourself and handing Over your self will to a power greater than you. Those two are he hardest i found, the best and the most needed for recovery.
(((((( joker))))))
-- Edited by Mirandac on Tuesday 12th of January 2016 01:09:33 PM
One thing comes to my mind reading your post. Something I have said to myself and my children over the years. Where ever you go, there you are. I think many Alcoholics believe everything will be better somewhere else. But the same attitudes and behaviors are found any where they go.
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Tuesday 12th of January 2016 01:38:00 PM
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Thanks for sharing joker, I hear a lot of myself in your story only I feel like I do a similar thing to your exes/current. I very often have the urge to move, and if I just find that perfect city with perfect people then I'll be happy. It's less about home, because home isn't associated with nurturing for me, but more about looking elsewhere and avoiding investing in my current community. I've been trying to let that go but it's a major pull that's been with me as an escape for half my life. Of course when I step back and look at the relationships I do make (friends and romantic) then tend to be with a bunch of takers, or people who can't give me what I need. So my picker is broken as well and I'm trying to fix it. It's a long process but I feel optimistic. I'm also learning that it's ok to make changes, make mistakes and keep going. People can be forgiving or less harsh than I seem to assume they will be. This helps me feel better about sticking around. But my next challenge is creating a support system here, as I have very few people I am close to. I also allow my husbands actions to control who I go out with when, which is unhealthy and I'm trying to detach. I can't blame him for everything in my life that I don't like. I'm inspired by your outlook and bravery, I hope to get to that point myself :)
