The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am brand new to al Anon have only been to two meeting go to my third tomorrow. My boyfriend is in AA and recently lost three people within the last week. Two he knew the third he knew a little better. He is not handling it like a normal sober person does I guess. what I don't understand is that he hasnt spoken about these people in the 8 months we've dated and now is speaking to these new people like their best friends. I don't quite understand that he says he's extremely close with them yet I've never heard of them at all. He is acting as if he lost a family member. And I dont really know how to react or understand it at all. Any advice??
Hi MyLife Welcome I am happy to read that you have found alanon and are attending meetings and that your partner is attending AA and striving to maintain sobriety. Great News
As you know, alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that affects people, physically, mentally and spiritually. Once drinking is stopped the physical nature of the disease is being addressed so this leaves the spiritual and emotional parts of the disease needing attention. Your partner is attempting to handle feelings and emotions sober, for probably the first time in a long time. AA members and his sponsor will help him through the loss he is experiencing and the best you can do is be gentle with him,allow him to process his feeling as he feels fit, offer empathy, compasssion and a prayer for the person.
Mylife16 - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you found the courage to share. Recovery is a personal journey and AA as well as Al-Anon are anonymous programs. In reality, if he's working a good program, you won't hear about anyone else in the rooms as sharing is to be held within those rooms. There are tons of folks I know from AA (I am a double winner - belong to both programs) that my family doesn't know and I would be heart-broken if they passed away.
What we learn in Al-Anon is to mind our own business and stay on our side of the street. So happy to see you've been to a couple meetings and plan to keep going! It's in the rooms of Al-Anon that I found acceptance, understanding and compassion for all that the disease brings to my life.
My best suggestion is to allow him to grieve as needed as well as recover as needed, and just work on yourself and your program. Keep coming back - you're not alone and we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I guess I have a hard time understanding how you can be so broken up over someone you never speak to. It is confusing for me to understand that yes I feel so sorry for the families who lost someone but to be so upset over someone I don't speak to on a regular basis doesn't make sense. I know it's a past relationship but if you truly are close with someone don't you speak to that person and not let years go by?
I know that we have known people over the years that we care about but neither of us contacts the other (in our case it is more because we once lived close and regularly interacted, and now live 1000's miles away). So when we have heard of their deaths, we have felt sad. Sad remembering our time together, what we were to each other then.
That makes sense to me the way you worded it. Thankyou everyone for your quick responses it is greatly appreciated!! I'm sure you'll hear more from me as I am learning a lot here at the very beginning stages
Stay with it Mylife and as you do you will learn a whole bunch more...by the way if the meetings he attend are open meetings ask him if it would bother him for you to sit in or attend other open meetings. Lots of Al-Anoners I have met over the past 36 years have done that to understand the disease and how the alcoholic in recovery handles it. I am also a double winner. My wife will not attend meetings I go to because of the principle of anonymity and basic differences in understanding however the meetings are still open to other members. My program has quite a few double winners. (((((hugs)))))
