The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am an adult child of an alcoholic (now recovering) and am in a 4yr relationship with an alcoholic. I tagged in in a previous post but I am starting a new topic on my own to get all the help I can.
I am planning on attending Al-Anon meetings here in my area and online as of this morning. I have watched my AB struggle with alcohol and then seem to get much much better. Only to relapse. Last night he attended a bachelor party- I went and stayed with my best friend. I've learned it's easier to detach myself if there is a chance of having to see him smashed- although I really did not expect him to overdo it. We just had the best Christmas and New Years ever. But this morning he told me he fell down the stairs and knocked a hole in the wall when he fell.
I know he feels terrible about it and getting angry with him will only make it worse. He knows I'm upset but I'm trying really hard to hold it together. But I am paying the price by doing that- panic attacks and constant worry are consuming me.
I've had a couple people already respond in another post and that has been helpful. I know I can't control it, cause it or cure it. But how can I make it through the day (when he gets home from work) without doing or saying something to make it worse? Do I pretend it didn't happen? I have already told him I feel bad that he fell and that getting mad at him (bc I know he was drinking too much) would only make him feel worse about himself than he already does. But now what?
Marie, I do understand the worry and panic of living with active drinking and the damage that it causes ... not just the holes in the wall, but to our health and peace of mind.
It sounds like you had a good idea when you stayed with your friend in order to detach from a situation. And what you said to him, that you felt bad that he fell and that getting mad would only make things worse ... that sounds very wise. From my knowledge of the program, the next step would be just to take care of yourself.
Some things that helped me survive the situation were: having a friend -- who understood addiction issues -- to talk to in confidence, getting a therapist (thankfully I could get one through my work benefits), having a place in the house I could go to be by myself and feel mentally safer, and of course Al-Anon meetings, literature, and my sponsor. There are enough meetings in my area that I could easily find one, in addition to my home group, when I was feeling very stressed. Bottom line: I felt better when I didn't try to handle it alone.
Welcome Marie18 to MIP! You would benefit greatly from the Al-Anon program, please consider joining a local group, because it there, and here, that you will be able to learn coping skills that will give you some peace and understanding. The focus should be on you, not on the alcoholic and what they are doing.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Freetime- thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I realize reading my post again that it may have seemed like I was concerned about the hole in the wall!!! I am most concerned about his well being and he is ok - but sore (neck and ego). I have done everything but remain calm in the past- tell, cry, insist on him getting help, etc. I know that doesn't help and I know he has to do the work. But I've also come to realize that I have work to do to take care of myself by choosing to stay by his side. I realize in the last 8 hours that I have to do something different for me to endure this. I have already found a group very close to home on Wed's and I plan on attending as well as FINALLY picking up the book my mom gave me a few years ago- How Al-anon Works.
I really appreciate this site as I do not feel alone. I don't want to talk to my mom or friends about this. I feel embarrassed as some of them knew they issues AB and I had in the beginning with his drinking. But since I made the mistake of ensuring them everything was much much better- because it WAS! And I truly believed that. But I always have the memories in the back of mind and the panic feeling rears its head sometimes when I am out of town and I know he's going to a social drinking function without me. But for a few years I've been slowly building up trust in him again.
Now I keep replaying in my mind him falling down the stairs and imagining what COUlD have happened. I have to stop. It's over now and there's nothing I can do about it.
Hey Marie18 - I too welcome you to MIP - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share.
When I got here, I was a broken person - you sound as if you're doing quite well - considering this darn disease. I see you plan to go to local meetings and attend here too - that will be a great 'help' for how to many the days.
In the beginning, I only knew how to detach by separating myself, such as you did. I continued that for a long while - go to the gym, go for a walk, call a friend for coffee, go to a meeting, go to the grocery store, etc. I wasn't good at not responding, and my reactions were 'off the charts'....
As I embraced the program, the steps, the fellowship and got a sponsor, I learned that I could pro-actively plan my days, each day and fill them in a manner I wanted to. Before the program, I tended to isolate and schedule my life/activities/chores, etc. around everyone else in my home. With the program, I inverted this and made my plans and then filled in chores, errands, etc. So - I learned to flip everything upside down, and put me first.
I began each day with daily readings, followed by prayer/meditation. I came here to read, share (if desired), participate. I would then continue on about my day and used the serenity prayer constantly. I attended tons of meetings - at times, more than one per day. All of these 'efforts' helped me realize what I could control and what I could not. I learned that when I changed how I acted/responded, they did the same - not always as desired, but change is change.
So, take care of you, work on you, do for you....even simple things like taking a bubble bath, painting your nails, cleaning a closet, etc. Anything that changes 'it' up will help you get through the days until you find your own joy, peace and inner strength.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and we're just a post away!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere- thank you. Your post had me in tears. I do not feel like I'm doing well. I am sad and I am worried for him and I love him so much. But I appreciate your kind words and it is comforting to know someone is there. Thank you.
Marie, I'm so glad to hear you are going to read "How Al-anon Works." That's one of the first Al-Anon books I read, and I believe it covers all the bases. When you are reading it, come back and let us know what parts resonate with you.
Marie when i started alanon i was on rock bottom,
I have seen many others in the same boat. Some
Continue with the program others stop. It does get
Better if you keep going with an open mind, listen,
Learn and absorb. Its a whole way of thinking, Its a
program all about you, for you to get better And
stronger.
There are daily readers to purchase and a lending
Library to borrow from. You do not need to speak
Until you are ready to do so, just say pass. It took
Me a long while to speak. I still like to sit and just
listen. You usually will hear what you need.
You can only change and fix yourself, stay in your
Own hula hoop. On and on goes the wisdom and
There are Plenty of tools to learn how to use.
It all takes time to get there be patient with
yourself. One day to a time.
I am failing again. My AB came home, immediately started repairing the hole in the wall because he said he wanted to make it go away. I said I understood and hugged him. I said - what worries me is that even after you cover that, you're still going to know in your heart and mind that it's there. And beat yourself up about it. He said he knew it was a wake up call. To do what? I don't know and didn't ask.
We had a nice evening - but he feels bad I can tell. Before we went to bed I said - I'm going to go to Al-anon meetings to help me with this.
His reaction: for what?
I said - I need to go to help me deal with situations like his when the drinking becomes a problem for me. I have not handled it well in the past and I want us to work through it but this affects me more than I think you realize and I need some help dealing with it.
And now he's saying if I go that everyone there will tell me to leave him.
So I said - I don't think that's true and I can make my own decisions. I don't want to leave you, I want to support you. Then he began with the justifications, minimizing etc. and I lost my temper and yelled. I said - that this is why I want to go to al-anon. I can't talk to him about it because I can't stand to listen to him tell me I'm making a big deal out of nothing. And I start to remind him of other times when his drinking caused a problem.
I'm sure this only makes him feel worse. And it makes me feel worse. I told him I hate the person I become in this situation and I have to get help. So before I said anything else I came to the spare bedroom and here I am. I desperately need help, he is in total denial of any issue and now he's afraid I'll leave if I go to al-anon like I should. Now I feel like I've given him more reasons to hate himself and drink.
You do not even have to talk About your qualifier. Thats what
they Are whether its family or SO.
Its about you learning about self Love, self care, self acceptance,
Handing over your self will to a Power greater than yourself.
Alanon suggests, make no relationship Changes for 6-12 months unless
There is abuse.
We get just as sick In a different way, trying to fix or Control someone else.
This disease distorts your thinking and perceptions. You lose yourself in
the process. We too need help.
Glad your here, ftf will really help. A lot Of people just say they are going
To help themselves which is the truth. It is a spiritual program.
Marie I am happy that you are continuing to plan on attending alanon meetings. Your partner's response to your decision is based on fear and not true.
The principles of the Alanon Program do not enable us to take a position on the idea: is it better to leave or stay in a relationship. The program simply asks us to try the program because we will find that we can be happy even if the alcoholic is drinking or not. It offers tools for us to live in the relationship or leave--- if we decide.
It seems that you are extremely concerned about "his feelings" and not as much focused on yourself. In alanon I discovered that I was powerless over people, places and things so that the best I could do was to learn how to take care of myself in a healthy fashion. It is not an easy road , that of iving with this disease, and that is why support of "like minded" people is so important.
Well I think that you have a lot of wisdom and awareness, and well done on recognising that you need help. The reasons for going to Alanon have just been played out for you soooooo clearly. It is painful and frustrating, and not fair for your needs and feelings to be ignored in the process. But I wonder if you can view that conversation with your AB about Alanon as a gift that might serve you well in the future? How you felt, how he reacted, how you reacted? These memories are things that we all share with you and that we have resolved to improve upon. Sometimes it is so easy to forget why we are here, but a conversation like that one is a really useful reminder of the merry-go-round that we want to get off. It works Marie! Your boyfriend will survive and might even come to enjoy the benefits if you go ahead and give Alanon a try.
My husband didn't much like me turning to Alanon either - but the bottom line was 'did he want me to be healthy and happy'? Of course he did. The way that I figured it was that the only way that I could help my husband would be to look after myself and be happy in myself regardless of what he was doing. Anything else was pretty much a waste of time. I did not leave him (well, not for long anyway!). As you have already pointed out living in misery just creates more misery for us and those around us and then adds to our guilt.
Now I look after myself for my own benefit, (cue loud cheering, flag waving etc!). It is a really, REALLY, good journey and I get the sense that you would use it well. Lovely to have you on board.
PS My husband had plenty of reasons to hate himself when he was drinking too much and it was all to easy for him to try and blame me and my actions for some of them. I stopped picking up that batten, no matter how often it was waving in front of me. One of the little ways that I learnt to help my my life to get better!
Marie, when my AH was actively drinking he balked at the idea of me going to AlAnon meetings. Now that he is actively in recovery he encourages me to go. He said many of the AA members he's spoken to at meetings tell him AlAnon usually saves relationships not destroy them. I say usually because there are instances where it's best to part ways. AlAnon will give you the strength to make better decisions and help you feel not so alone in your struggles. Keep coming back and posting here-- this helped me tremendously deal with 18 years of living with an alcoholic spouse. (((Hugs)))
Marie - you are not alone and Al-Anon is not about giving advice and telling others how to leave, stay, come, go, etc. It's about a personal journey to understand the disease to better understand how it affects the alcoholic and those who love them.
I chose to not share with mine for a long while. I just go and do what I want when I want. If he's around, I'll tell him I'm going 'out' and will be back in a bit. What he thinks and does should not now or ever take priority over what you think and do. For me, this was an eye opener. I had spent so much time putting others first that when I tried to change that up, they were uncertain about the change and therefore resisted it.
I kept telling myself that it was not about them, but instead about me. It's a bit uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier over time putting me first. I'm not less of a wife, mother, friend, etc. at all - I am just a stronger version of who I was before.
Hang in there - one moment at a time, one day at a time!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Marie. It is ok to have your own feelings about the situations. His behaviour is upsetting to you and it is not your job to soothe his feelings. His feeling bad is okay and that is for him to deal with. You recognize your need to seek help from Alanon for yourself. That sounds healthy to me. Its not for him or about him so despite his concerns that you will leave him, (which is a pretty common concern), I hope you proceed in the direction that is best for you. We will not heal in isolation. I learned that the hard way and refused for a long time to seek help as believed I can do it all alone.
