The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In March it will be 2 yrs that I have been dating my A boyfriend. I knew with him being 15 yrs older there would be differences but he just seems to be changing so fast. I know some of it can be related to his ptsd and depression but I feel some he could have better control and try to get a more positive attitude. He talks too much about his aches and pains. And of course it worries me because he is so different than when we first met and I wonder if he is just going to keep going down hill. There is, as far as I know, no real serious medical problem he has right now. He doesn't realize how the way he 'distances' himself from me changes our relationship. We have talked about this and he will say nothing has changed but for me I don't feel the same connection. I don't feel it will end but it won't be the same closeness we once had.
I just have to learn to try to get my mind off of it and focus on my program and well being. It's just really hard to do at times especially like today after I saw him last night.
CL26, you already know that your program is the important aspect to your coping with AB, and for me when I have these kind of thoughts, I try to remember that worrying about things i have no control over is only going to cause me to regress. So moving forward, for my own happiness and peace, I keep my program first and foremost and remember to rely on HP. {{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I just signed up a few minutes ago and am desperate for someone to talk to. I am the adult daughter of an alcoholic and am in a relationship (4yrs) with an alcoholic/binge drinker. I love home and won't leave him but I am desperate to know how to make this worry and panic go away when he has a bad night (like he did last night). I know I can't control him and I know if I show my anger it will only make him feel worse about himself- which only perpetuates this cycle. I am lost. I have no idea what to do or say. I need some help. Thank you for any advice anyone has. I see there are many others going through similar problems and it breaks my heart for them too. But I'm hoping someone will have something to help me move on from here.
Welcome Marie The title of this posting is "keeping the focus on yourself " This is one of the many powerful tools that alanon suggests as we attempt to live with the destrucive disease alcoholism. You certainly have described the anxiety and fear that I experiened as I tried,( without success) or support from alanon to live successfully with some one suffering from the disease.
I would like to state that, alcoholism is a progressive, chronic fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. Since it is a disease , we are powerless over it, as we did not cause it cannot control it and cannot cure it. Alcoholism not only affects the person who drinks, it also affects the entire family. Alanon is a recovery program for family members who have developed negative coping tools while living with the disease.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. I urge you to attend . It is here I developed new tools to live by as I still supported my family Keep coming back
It takes a lot of time and work to make the panic and worry go away. Try to find you a local Al Anon group to attend. I don't know how I would make it without my group. I divorced a workaholic man and just by chance met an alcoholic that I have been dating almost 2 years. So even though we don't live together I have gone through extreme highs and lows having expectations of this relationship that could not and will not be met. It took me a long time to realize that.
Now I try to stay in the present and live through this day with the help of my Higher Power. No I am not perfect at it at all. I still have episodes when I get frustrated because my relationship is not going the way I would like it or life either. But I try to continue with the Al Anon program and post on here when I need some support. Days like today I will be reading on here and the Ptsd forum to help me through the day.
Someone is always on here ready to listen and encourage you. It is important for you to realize you are not alone. That is what is so great about a 'Face to Face' meeting. Hope you will consider trying out one.
Hoping and praying things will get better for you!
My dad actually married a woman who was 33 years his junior for the simple fact of well there's a lot of simple facts .. lol .. the one that sticks out in my mind is as he got older he didn't want to be with someone who all they did was complain about getting older and I totally get that part of the deal. Not that I want to date someone who is 18 myself, however I find that many men my age are slowing down and very honestly I have 2 teenagers .. who has time to slow down at this point? All I find is that my life is getting way busier which is ok. It's just I do not want to listen to how getting old is hard and how bad someone aches. I think for me it comes from listening to my XMIL go on when she turned 50 her life was over .. she was an active A and honestly I think by the time she was 58 had stopped leaving the house completely which to me was horribly sad. It wasn't my choice will not be my choice .. that's the only person I can control. Yes, trust me getting old ain't for sissies as the late great Bette Davis said famously.
I am unsure if your AB is recovering or not most active A's I know are so focused on how the world has done them wrong that they really lack the coping mechanisms to communicate effectively how they are really feeling. I can certainly do so, however expecting it back in return .. ha ha ha .. ummm .. no. It's not happening with my XAH. That's just the reality that I deal with, you know it is what it is at this point.
I can't control it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. That helps me remember where my focus truly lies which is just as Debb stated on my own happiness which is my personal responsibility to myself. I trust my HP. I trust myself more and more and that helps me make surer and surer steps going forward.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you so much for responding. I'm no stranger to Al-anon as my mom has been urging me to go for years. My stepfather is a recovering alcoholic but it was a terrible childhood for me. And now I'm worried about my boyfriend. I see meetings in my area but what does it mean if they're closed? Can I only go to the ones that are open? And do I hide that I'm going? He will feel worse if he knows I'm going and when he feels bad - we all know what happens. I know it's not my fault that he drinks but I don't know how to handle this. I also know it is a disease but it has been especially frustrating to see things improve so much and then see him have another episode right when I thought everything was great. I know I won't find the answer today. This will be something I have to work on forever, but I am so beat right now.
You may want to start your own new topic so we can all properly welcome you to our family.
Closed Alanon meetings are not the same as say for instance a closed AA meeting. You already meet the criteria to attend by your exposure to your s/dad. I hope you will go and find some relief for yourself. Addiction is a life long thing which can be arrested like cancer it goes into remission. I find the difference with Alanon for me is learning new healthier behaviors because my old ones merely helped me survive instead of live my life. It also sounds like you could benefit from Adult Children of Alcoholics. Do not hesitate to head to a local Alanon meeting it will change your life if you let it.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Marie I think that you will be choosing to go to alanon to help yourself. It is because of your anxiety and fear and really has nothing to do with your partner. I had no trouble explaining this.
As far as "Closed meetings and open meetings are concerned " Open meetings" are available to anyone to attend. Teachers, observers and anyone simply interested in the programs. " Closed meetings "are for those who are looking for recovery from living with the disease
We have on line meetings here in the chat room 2xs a day . They are helpful so please keep coming back
Thank you - and I apologize Catlover! I was not trying to hijack your post. I just felt like we had a lot in common today and tagged on. I will start a new topic.
I thank everyone for their help and I hope Catlover - you find some peace today too.
Hey Catlover26 - so sorry that you're finding the relationship changing. I am going to ask ... is it possible that you are getting healthier as a result of your program, and 'seeing' that perhaps you're growing apart because you're getting better and he's not?
As a double winner, I arrived at 12 Step recovery 28 years ago. At the time, I was madly in love with a man who held my hand through court processes and a long treatment center stay. He took care of my animals, my home, my cars, my bills, etc. while I focused on legal issues and recovery. He even stopped drinking/drugging for the relationship. Our relationship did not survive and it was one of the hardest things I ever did, but because of recovery and choosing a spiritual journey, I just outgrew him. He was crushed and devastated, as was I, but it was necessary for me to continue to grow and change.
I married a man 12 years my senior, and because of the disease as well as other life-style habits, he's got heart disease. He's had a couple heart attacks, triple bypass surgery and 3 stents. I always assumed he would die faster than I just based on the law of averages - he's older. He accepts where he is, how he got there and knows that living a long life is not part of his plan. Of course, it's a very different philosophy than I have but I accept it as it is.
His parents both died in the early 50(s). He's 65 and feels like he's won the jackpot.
My parents are still with us @ 81. My grand-mothers both lived into their 90s. So, I feel like I am just approaching middle age (53).
Everybody views life, living, existing, etc. so differently that I have stopped worrying/wondering about it and just try to embrace where he is and accept we are different. So, my best suggestion is to keep working your program and keep working on you. You may realize that where you are is not where you want to be and make changes. You may not - only you and your HP can lead you where you are to be.....trust the program and trust your HP, and more will be revealed!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for sharing. I read so much of my own story in yours. In April I will have been dating my ABF for 2 years. We started dating with in weeks of me leaving my husband. We started living together right away as well. I thought at first that the person I now see is nothing like the person I met. I mean how could I fall so hard for someone so sick? But the truth is there were so many red flags. Now that I am going to meetings and reading literature , I see it. I am a codependent and a fixer who did not see the signs because I was not aware of how sick I really was. The best thing I have done for myself is to go to meetings. I have also made a plan to move out on my own in the next few months. I have always been in a relationship and never had time to be alone in my living situation and only take care of me. I'm very excited for it. I know when it comes time to move out it will be hard I'm sure my ABF will either try and convince me to stay or try and come with me. Even though us not living together was his idea. Neither of these are an option. Just thinking about my own place and the peace it will bring me makes me happy.
When someone demands my attention and I become less than for giving it over it is my responsibility to change that.
I loose my peace of mind and serenity when I other focus to often especially when I don't want to. It stresses me and depresses me when I do things that causes me to feel less than and I have worked along time to successfully rid myself of that. "No" is a complete sentence is what I use when I feel the invitation is coming to repeat that failure.
Practice makes for progress and I hope you keep practicing self focus...Praying for it. ((((hugs))))
