The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I have been dating an alcoholic for five years, living together for about a year and a half. He went to rehab briefly in 2013 - only ten days. Got a DUI in fall of 2014 and spent December 2014 in rehab. For 2015, he was completely sober. Attended AA and a separate therapist, and everything was great. I love him and we were talking about marriage and kids at the end of this year. He had mentioned he wanted to try a different method called Moderation Management in the summer - basically allowing you to drink socially with very strict rules about how much and how often - and I begged him not to do it, as he was only six months sober at the time. After a year of sobriety, he brought it up again. One thing I have learned from Al Anon is that you can't control the alcoholic, so I told him I didn't want him to do it, and I wasn't happy about it, but I couldn't stop him. He had two light beers at a holiday party and even with that small amount of alcohol, I immediately saw mannerisms and behaviors that I didn't like and that brought back bad memories, which I told him. This past weekend, I went out of town to spend time with family, and he was flying in to join me after two days. As soon as he got there, I had a bad feeling. He wasn't obviously drunk, but there were verbal and behavioral red flags. I confronted him in private and he said he wasn't drinking, but that some of his medication was making him groggy, which seemed possible, but I still laid out an ultimatum, that the talk of MM had made me unhappy and I refused to support it, and if he continued to do it, I was leaving. The next day was a little better although I had a few suspicions.
But the third day...I can't even go into it detail, this was just Tuesday and it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach, but it was full blown blackout relapse, witnessed by my parents and family who are all now furious and worried. We managed to get home Tuesday night and I came home at lunch to get my dog and a few things. He was still there, not at work, and he cried and begged and all those horrible things, and made me hug our other dog that is his, and made it a complete nightmare, but I went and stayed at a friend's house. I went home again yesterday with a friend to get more stuff and there was evidence of another binge, and he had gone to his parent's house to sober up. They told me he was drunk when he showed up, but he called me later that night and he sounded sober, and again, begged and pleaded for me to forgive him.
The reason this breaks my heart is because he had a whole year of sobriety and we were so happy! it's not like a normal breakup where I don't want to be with him, I do, but I don't know how I can trust this won't happen again. I guess my question is, has anyone ever had a partner relapse once and realize their mistake and get back on track permanently? My heart is broken, the future I thought I had is gone, and I spent five years with this man and now am 32 and alone. I am staying in a friend's guest house and I can stay for as long as I need to, but I feel like it won't be permanent until I find my own place. Like it won't feel real to me. But the physical act of moving and sorting through our belongings feels like it will kill me. I have gone to Al Anon meetings the past two days and it helps me to try and focus on myself and my wellbeing, but it's almost impossible not to worry and have heartache for him, because I know he hates himself for relapsing and hurting me. He was vain enough to think he could control it, unlike other alcoholics, and he can't stop once he starts. I don't know I'm just word-vomiting now. Thanks for reading.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate to your feelings. My 52 year old husband is on his third recovery from alcohol since we've been together (18 years). The first one he went to inpatient detox for 3 days, came home and was sober maybe a month. The second time we held an intervention and he went away (was talked into going) to a rehab in Florida for 28 days, came home and attended AA (his heart wasn't really in it after awhile) but did not follow up with any outpatient therapy. This third and current recovery is going very well. He went on his own to a two week inpatient program because he felt like he was "dying", followed by 6 week outpatient therapy and attends AA meetings (with a sponsor) almost every day. He says he has no desire to drink. I see a HUGE change in him for the better. It has now been 7 months drink-free.
However, I still worry that he could relapse at any time. I know people 20 years sober who went back to drinking. It's discouraging but at the same time I feel there is always hope as long as he's still breathing. But.....I know his recovery is his own. I can't stop him from hanging with drinking friends or going to a liquor store as they are on every corner. I am enjoying our new life one day at a time. Could I go back to the old life? I want to say I don't think so because it was insane. I feel this program has made me stronger and I know that I have choices. I don't have to live like that if I don't choose to.
What helped for me was attending Al-anon meetings, talking to a therapist one-on-one, coming on this forum and communicating with others so I know I'm not alone in my struggle. I also read as much as I can on alcoholism so I know it's a disease that so many have. It allows me to show compassion by understanding it.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you found your courage to join and share.
I am a double-winner, AA recovery for a long while and Al-Anon for less time. From the AA side of the house, we talk always about One Day at a Time and that we only have today. So, we all discuss on a regular basis that relapse can happen to anyone at any time. This is the powerful part of the disease. It is a compulsion of the mind, body, soul and tugs at an alcoholic constantly. We wake up each day with untreated alcoholism, and either choose to treat it with recovery or take a chance on relapsing.
From the Al-Anon side, our meetings, program, steps, slogans and recovery is about us. A personal journey where we are learning to love ourselves and find joy and peace no matter what another (the alcoholic/qualifier) is doing or not doing. We work to separate our feelings from their actions, one day at a time, one moment at a time.
This disease is a family disease - defined as such because it affects many beyond the drinker. At times, we family members are even sicker as we lower our standards and act/react in ways we never thought possible. So, I totally understand the fear - we all have it. However, there are no guarantees and even if your ABF were not an alcoholic, there are no guarantees that how he is today is how he will always be.
Alcoholism is a difficult disease to understand/treat. In Al-Anon, we learn more about the disease aspect, and how to detach with love while setting healthy boundaries. My hope is you will find local F2F (face-to-face) meetings, and attend for you, choose you and your own recovery. I am grateful that I was given the same suggest a few years back - it's changed me and my life and my outlook so much, it's hard to put into words!
You are not alone - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There are lots of alcoholics who have gotten sober once and stayed sober forever.
There are also lots of alcoholics who have had considerable time in sobriety who decided they wanted to drink again.
It all comes down to that first drink. You are right about the moderation program. It is not to be trusted. My hubby wanted to try himself so bought a "little" bottle of vodka and the next day I threw away about 10 empty bottles. I found them all down the sides of his recliner chair and in the garage and the car. Just one drink and it was a full on-black out drunk.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It never gets better and can only get worse.... or it can get arrested with quitting drinking. I can understand you want to be with him, but you want him to be the person you fell in love with. He may not be that person anymore. All alcoholics think they can control it, until they can't. I'm sure he feels terrible, but if he has to make the choice again, what will he choose? You can feel sorry for him because he has this terrible disease.
The question for you is "what are you going to do?" He has told you what he wants. He wants moderation. So reality has hit you in the face. Grieve. Be sad. Be angry. But in the end, you have to take care of yourself. Only you know what the whole story is between the two of you. He doesn't because he was blacked out for part of it. You know. Find a face to face AlAnon meeting in your area and listen to the wisdom in the room. All those people have been injured by this disease too.... and they have learned to be happy.
Hello clhiod, welcome You are not alone as many alanon members can relate to your sadness and pain . Please continue to practice program and remember that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disese that can be arrested but never cured.
Alanon offers tool to help restore us to sanity .
To your question about whether someone has had a slip and then recovered ... there are millions of alcoholics in the world and I'm sure a number of them have had a slip and then stayed sober. The statistics tell us that the majority do not remain sober - but that does not predict anything about one particular case.
But probably you really have the question I had at a similar point - how do I know if my alcoholic is going to remain sober? The answer is unfortunately that you cannot know. Maybe he will realize that moderation is not possible, and double down on his recovery, and make it into longterm sobriety. Maybe the lure of alcohol will tempt him again. Maybe he won't make it back to sobriety and recovery in the near future, or in the far future. Any of these could happen, but it is too soon to know. Really an alcoholic's future sobriety isn't very sure until they have a year or two years of recovery (sobriety and program, not "moderation") under their belt. Even then, there is always a danger of relapse. That is just the sad truth of being with an alcoholic. It could never happen, but there are no guarantees. And being with an alcoholic in early recovery is kind of like living with a ticking bomb ... will it go off? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
But whatever happens with them, we can get our own recovery, which we need because alcoholism pulls everyone around into the insanity. Our own thoughts and responses can become distorted without our realizing. And we need to get free of the pain and fear that are the side effects of alcoholism. I hope you'll find a face-to-face meeting and work on your own recovery. Take good care of yourself.
My xah tried to drink in moderation years ago
After quitting. He would slowly lead up to a
drunk each time And then stop tried it again
same thing. He Could not drink moderately,
He is now 30 years dry hopefully he never
picks it up again.
One thing I have learned is that as long as my happiness is contingent on someone else doing something I think they should do, or doing it a certain way, it's a castle made of sand and I'm going to be unhappy and nervous no matter what happens. There's no way you can guarantee that someone will stay sober regardless of what kind of progress they make or what kind of program they use. The best I could do for myself, when dealing with the rollercoaster of the alcoholics in my life, was to avail myself of al-anon, work the program hard, and work out what it was that I wanted and needed to be happy, and how I could achieve those things. From there I could make decisions about who and what I wanted in my life, knowing that I just couldn't and can't control people and things no matter how much I wanted to imagine a perfect 'way" for them. For myself, well I've chosen to stay with my A, although not living together, and I know he's going to drink and even if he gets on the wagon and remains sober for any length of time, it's never going to be a guarantee. It's up to me to decide whether I want to walk this road with him, with that in mind. I surely would never make any decisions or plans based on any claims from him that he was going to remain sober for all time. I know he can't be sure of that, and neither can I, no matter what happens. So do I want to continue to share my life with him knowing there are probably still going to be awful drunk episodes and possibly full on deteriorations into drunkeness? I've decided yes, I'm OK with that, as long as I do not have my life wrapped up in his and I don't allow his choices to destroy my own. Many people would make a different choice. The beauty of al-anon, I have found, is that it helps me get to a quiet, calm place where I can make these decisions based on what I know and feel, rather than what I THINK I should know and feel.
As an aside, we aren't meant to discuss different programs however I have to say that in my experience MM isn't a "bad" program. Like any, it depends on the person and how they choose to use it. People leap off the wagon in any recovery program, and others grab on with both hands and make it a way of life. MM functions as a sort of "way station" for people to assess their drinking issues and work out if they need to go further and join and abstinence program or if they have the ability to moderate, given some support and resources. They absolutely encourage people to seek AA or similar if they aren't succeeding with moderation. Not every problem drinker is an alcoholic and it's the most normal thing in the world for someone with a drinking problem to be unsure if they are really an alcoholic or not. You hear so, so very many stories here of people reporting that their loved one says they don't like AA because 'I'm not like them" or "they don't get me" and they have decided to 'go it alone". I think MM is very valuable in that it's accesible to people who don't want to hear about AA or SMART recovery or celebrate recovery etc etc etc etc yet but they want to start being aware and accountable for their drinking. I personally wouldn't write it off anyway. Once again, others will disagree, lol.
Best of luck to you anyway and I hope you keep coming back and seeking serenity for yourself. You're worth it.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 9th of January 2016 06:26:17 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Great feedback from the family Clhiod...and in time you will be able to add your own to it and pass that on to a newcomer also. Many of us have been in recovery for a long long time and listened and learned. As for me I was astounded at how much I didn't learn by taking the information and lessons seriously. The first step of the 12 is "best" information..."We admitted we were Powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable". The word Powerless was key for me and taught me that I could and never would be able to control the mind and mood altering chemical that can result in death. I learned to think, "Crap...this isn't milk" and I stopped drinking and up till now have not returned to the practice although at times it still evades my thinking. I have also had the mood suggestions and then still did not drink. I come here and go to meetings in both programs and firmly believe what I see and hear. The majority of the fellowship tells me that "A power greater than myself can restore me to sanity" and I go to and rely upon that Higher Power to stay Sane and Sober and pass it on rather than a mind and mood altering chemical.
I am glad you found us. Recovery requires that we commit and practice or suffer great negative consequences. Please stick around with the MIP Family. Listen, Learn, Practice. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Clhiod - I am going through a similar situation with my ex-fiancee. We have had small splits over the last 6 years or so, but around Christmas, I finally had enough and moved out. It is very hard, but day by day I'm realizing some relief in being out of the situation. I know exactly how you feel in saying that it isn't a "normal breakup" at all. I WISH I hated my ex, and things would be a lot easier LOL, if that makes sense? In reality I deeply care for her health and well-being, but that only she can focus on that and get sober. It is really hard, but the begging and pleading will continue until they realize they need to confront their issues.
Keep on reading here, and attend al-anon if you get a chance. I am relatively new to this too, but the insight others have has really helped me so far :)
