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This is.the most access/time Ive had to post on here and to take in all of the wonderful shares and suggestions. Ive eluded in previous posts that my AH and I are waring over money right now. He's lost several jobs in a very short timespan leaving me to struggle to keep things afloat for our family of 4. He's currently *upset* with me for suggesting that now that he has a job and has earned his first check, its time for him to make up for lost time by taking over some of the upcoming bills so I can get a break and do some of the things Ive been putting off like getting my teeth fixed for crying out loud!...he got super offended and has been a compete jerk to the point that he has refused to give me any money on bills/expenses for.the kids or house. Ive taken real offense to his latest tactics of purposely behaving like a deadbeat out of spite so Ive decided to file for divorce.
We.live in the same house and havent spoken in a week or so....
My question is would I be stirring the pot by asking him for money to take my daughters parakeet to the vet?...She had 2 keets but one died two days ago and the vet feels the other may be in danger too if we dont get her in quick...Ive already spent money I dont have on the keet that just died, but I refuse to risk the other one not getting treatment just to spite him. He knows the other just died and Im wondering if I should even bother asking....wondering if the alcohol has him warped to the point that he would deny his kids to spite me. ....although, he HAS done it in the past....probably just answered my own question huh?...smh
Sorry to hear about what you're dealing with Hopeful.
When my AH is doing the same kind of BS, I will still tell him what I need or ask him the questions I need an answer too. I try really hard to make sure I have no expectations. 99% of the time I can predict what he will say, but I say it anyway and dig deep to "say what I mean, but don't say it mean." It takes practice, but this way he can never say "well, you never asked me!"
Good luck, I hope the birdie is ok.
-- Edited by CoopsMom on Thursday 7th of January 2016 03:34:27 PM
...Ive already spent money I dont have on the keet that just died, but I refuse to risk the other one not getting treatment just to spite him. He knows the other just died and Im wondering if I should even bother asking....wondering if the alcohol has him warped to the point that he would deny his kids to spite me. ....although, he HAS done it in the past....probably just answered my own question huh?...smh
Unfortunately in the insanity of living with the disease, I often took actions to get "even "or "to spite" my partner and he did the same. My Alanon sponsor taught me to examine my motives and to use the slogan "Let it begin with me" in order to change I needed to stop acting in such a negative fashion take the high ground and ask myself what was the best way to handle a situation that was within my budget and doable?
I would certainly present the problem of the sick bird to him, explain my lack of money for the vet , stress how important this pet is to the children and ask if he can help. If he says "no" then i would let it go not engage in a dispute and see if I could manage it another way myself.
I agree with Betty, things go better for me when I keep the direction on the kids however even that at times is not enough. You are not going to "make" him do anything financially or otherwise, or at least that is my experience. I try and approach the situation with clean motives and with the idea that no matter if he says yes or no to the kids it will workout and somehow it does.
My other caution in regards to filing divorce and living with an active A is to make sure you are protected on all levels. It can get nasty fast. Stick to your side of the street and do not engage him. That is also my experience. When the other parent really is incapable of believing that they are doing anything wrong such as not providing for their children as my therapist said to me .. S .. he figures you will figure it out so he doesn't have to worry about it, she was absolutely right that is what it has always come back to. It is highly frustrating and I cannot comprehend his anger towards me that he would take it out on the kids in the process.
I'm very sorry you are going through this keep your program close and know he's just not ok and he is not going to think like you do. If it interferes with his "feel goods" he's going to go out of his way to avoid his financial obligations.
Legally, document, that's what I do .. he says no, I put it on a timeline, what I asked for the copy of the text. Sounds like a lot of work I have shut him down in court over stuff like that and he still never learns. It is what it is.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks for the suggestions. I wound up texting him to let him know what I needed from him. It was a very 'matter of fact text. I told him how much I needed , what its for and when I needed it from him and left it at that. I also told him that I needed the money for the phone bill . He'll either give it to me or he wont. If he gives me neither that's fine. I'll still take her parakeet to the vet and then since all of our cell phones are on my account I'll have the line on his cell phone suspended (because I can no longer afford it. May sound passive aggressive but it will be the truth!
