The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to have an account here, but lost the password so I started a new one. My husband is an active functioning alcoholic and we have 3 young children. He has been active with a 2 year stretch of sobriety almost 8 years ago. I call him functioning because no one can tell he's an alcoholic, it is always in secret. He has cut back on the drinking, he doesn't have blackouts anymore but I do not feel comfortable ever letting him drive or leaving him alone with the kids because I just can't be sure he'll remain sober. We had to explain to the children why they can't stay home with Daddy and told them the truth in the most age appropriate way. They were shocked, had lots of questions, and it was hard because a cousin of mine died of alcoholism 1 1/2 years ago and they know that. He refuses to go to AA. He hates it. Last week he stared seeing a therapist who is an addictions counselor. He is still actively drinking though. My nickname Hopefully Optimistic is not about his not drinking, but about my being successful at applying and living out al anon in my life.
So many people have divorced or separated from their alcoholic spouses. I'd really appreciate any ESH on living with one.
Those conversations with your children must have been difficult for you as well. I'm sorry that you lost a cousin to alcoholism. It is such a cruel disease.
I love your name. The way that I can read it as being hopeful about being optimistic (rather than being pessimistic) or read it as my optimism having of a hopeful nature to it just tickles me to bits, thank you for gifting us with words that play!
Looking after myself, and taking the focus off my qualifier are tools that I find really useful. Also it helped me when I stopped being 'on guard' so much. I never kept my husband's drinking secret - I didn't broadcast it, but I didn't lie to people either.
Enjoying my life, preserving my own self esteem and being with people I love are really important to me as well.
Do you have things that you are doing for you? It isn't easy is it? Sending (((((hugs)))))).
Welcome back - sorry that your password no longer worked!
I am still with my AH and my recovery has everything to do with one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. I began as quickly as possible to fill my day with me things and/or constructive things. By this I mean, daily readers upon awakening with coffee, prayer & meditation either before or after. Coming by MIP to read and participate, attend the online morning meeting here, attend face-to-face meetings, clean out closets, bubble bath, etc. At the end of the day, the reverse - pm meeting here, then prayer + meditation close to bed time.
I did quite a bit of avoiding of my AH in the beginning as I wanted to stop asking questions which seemed innocent but tended to cause fights. I did whatever I needed to be different - took walks with the dog, used Yes/No as complete sentences, and entrenched myself in recovery. I also had a sponsor when I joined, which helped and I listened actively at meetings, and did anything suggested.
I knew, for me, I could no longer live as I had been or I'd go completely insane or worse.
I too am sorry for the loss of your cousin - this disease is so progressive and painful beyond those who drink - it affects so many more...
Keep coming back! You are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for the condolences on my cousin. Her death was a devastating blow to our family. She was only one year older than me and we were very close growing up. I am still shocked that she is gone.
I appreciate the thoughts on how to live with active alcoholism. I really need to keep the focus on me and our children and doing what needs to be done that is within my control. I am glad he is seeing a counselor, but that is his business and I need to stay out of it. So hard sometimes.
Over the years I have become so emeshed in his drinking, looking for bottles in the middle of the night, etc. That had become the main focus of my life. I am trying to remember things I enjoyed and to find new ones for me alone and with the kids.
Thanks again.
I was right where you are not so many years ago! It's a tough process to decipher and live through, but you are doing exactly what you need to by coming here! I am still trying to detach with love, even though I have moved myself and my two young daughters out and just this past week filed for divorce. It hurts all the way around, but I know that eventually there will be peace and happiness. Learning to let go of trying to control the alcoholic is hard at first. Stay strong and focused on you and your children. Of making your lives happy and peaceful! Today's courage to change noted that we can't focus on being scared to disrupt the alcoholic trying to stay sober for fear they will binge or go back to drinking, that is for them to do. God is working on them and God is working on us... separately. Let God help you AH handle his business and you handle yours. Taking the time to find things that make you and your children happy is a great focus to keep!
I am so very sorry for your loss too. My AH was just diagnosed with cirrhosis a few weeks ago. I feel your pain and i am scared to death now for my childrens daddy.
