The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I was reading another post today, I saw a statement about having the courage to face the things we have been hiding away. (This is not an exact quote). For me, I find that secrets are like a a slow spreading poison. They damage everyone and I don't do well with them.
My biggest issue is that I don't often know how to distinguish between what is a "secret" and what is just "not to be discussed". Basically I talk too much about things that are none of my business.
I am certain I am not alone, but I'm working on this as a personal goal (Along with becoming a positive person instead of a negative one, being truly appreciative of others, personal tardyness, and keeping up my personal appearance to the best of my ability).
i would love some ESH on how to know the boundaries of secrets vs none of my business. I don't ever speak to harm when I share, but still have issues in wanting to "over help" when I should be letting others handle their own issues. I realize it is imperritive to give ESH, but how do I determine the place to stop and SHUT MY MOUTH! I'm really trying and really would like some Help with this topic.
For me, this is where a sponsor was so very helpful. I view 'secrets that hold me back' as truths about me, my experience, etc. None of my business is when I am using my knowledge/self-awareness to influence the actions, thoughts or emotions of another person. Qualifier or not. My sponsor helped me dissect out the other person(s) from my sharing to identify my parts, my feelings and my next steps to heal or move on.
I do not discuss my qualifiers in any environment that may affect them. I do not gossip about anybody any longer as they have their own story to tell. Even when my experience overlaps with another person's, I start with my sponsor to be certain I'm on track for my recovery and not over-stepping or attempting to change/control another person.
I statements truly help me stick to my side of the street when sharing with other program members and/or during a meeting.
I hope this helps....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi doing my best. I'm not sure if this will answer your question, but here goes.
Secrets for me was my way of denying reality and pretending that all was well. By denying my feelings, I denied the insanity I was living in, I pretended that I was happy and could manage my life without any assistance. Inside I was falling apart,but on the outside I looked composed, happy and in control.
Growing up and I learned to pretend to the outside world and I never learned how to process my feelings in a healthy fashion. Denial and pretend were my tools before Al-Anon. When I found the rooms of Al-Anon and a safe environment in which to be honest the first time I could feel my feelings express my fears, sadness, anxiety and anger. The reason I could do this is because Al-Anon had tools to deal with these feelings and then let go. Before program I had no such tools.
As far as sharing with others is concerned, my sponsor suggested that I must keep the focus on myself, could not gossip criticize or blame others, and so that the best way for me to accomplish this was to draw an imaginary hula hoop on the ground, step into it, bringing my thoughts, feelings and self with me. These are my responsibilities and anything outside that hula hoop belongs to others to fix. If I felt I needed to share something she asked that I use the slogan. Think before I did. The letters in the word THINK I needed to ask myself to see if what I wanted to share was thoughtful if it was helpful if it was informative and it was kind, and I should examine my motives for sharing. It was also important that I selected the right person to share with--- someone that I could trust and felt safe with. Al-Anon rooms and Al-Anon members filled this requirement. I knew if I shared with an Al-Anon member, I would not be given advice but offered a tool that would help me.
Thank you both so very much! These explanations really do help. Unfortunatelym, I do not have a sponsor and, despite my search, have found little alanon activity here in my little area. Fortunately,, i have found a new "friend" who is more than willing to act as a guide in these matters. It is just difficult to reach her right now due to her family obligations. She is a double winner with tons of ESH, but not able to sponsor at this time.
i did try to reach her to discuss this, but ended up in a game of phone tag.
your comments have been very well thought out and o appreciate them!
