The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable."
I am fully in bed with the unmanageable life part... lock stock and barrell.
"Admitted I am powerless over alcohol..." I admit it, and my scientific self completly agrees with the disease part. I am having a problem with boundrys towards the A's actions and words. If I am to respect his/her right to bare the weight of the disease, does that mean that I let them do whatever they want and just ignore it?
If there is a person ridining in my car with me, and decides that at each stop light he is going to stick his head out of the window and scream obscenities at all that can hear... do I ask him not to, because he is in my car? I would, no matter what level of friend he would be.
I call this "the life of the party stage". I have moral or ethical objections to some things my A does in public. My habbit is to politely ask her to stop. That is always the begining of a war, and I know it. But I don't see that others should have to suffer because my A wants to show out. Am I enabling with this behavior? I know I am judging and provoking her for someone elses benefit.
Any insights would be appreciated.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
As Dr Phil would say...how's that working for you?
You said " I have moral or ethical objections to some things my A does in public. My habit is to politely ask her to stop. That is always the begining of a war, and I know it. " Why start a war when it doesn't change anything? I would think you should try something else...ignore it or walk away and let her act out. Set a boundary that when she behaves a certain way you will no longer walk beside her or sit with her.
I don't have that much personal experience with this part...this is just what I do. For example: My sister drinks and calls me and rags on and on. I refuse to take her calls late at night when I know she has been drinking. Why should I have to listen to it when it upsets me and ruins my evening?
When it relates to just me, something one to one, that makes perfect sense. Not easy yet... but understandable.
Maybe an example would help... We sit down in the bleachers of a sporting event. The person sitting right in front of us is more than a bit overweight. A says "if I ever get that fat, just shoot me" plenty loud enough for that whole row to hear it including that persons kids.
Ignore it?
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Would you continue to give your friend a ride if that is how they behaved when you were out together? I have a problem with the A accepting responsibility as well. Do I ignore it and keep my mouth shut? Do I put my foot down and tell him how to behave when he is with me? I can't go out without him when he is home because there will be an all out war. Of course, it is a little different in my case because my A smokes crack and tends to go off and do that and come home when he's finished. He will come home and go straight to sleep. But the next day, you had better look out when he's coming down! I have a real big problem with them taking responsibility and no control. THey may not have control over the fact that they have the disease, but they damn sure have power over whether or not they do something about it. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to start raging.
The bottom line is we have no control over anyone else......period. We can't control how another acts, what they choose, what they say, who they speak with etc. So if while we're in their company something they are doing upsets us.....we have to put the course of action on ourselves.
What I mean by that is......since we cannot control what another person does, we have to decide what WE are going to do if another person does something upsetting to us. Take the bleacher experience for instance. I can certainly understand that being very embarrasing for all involved. I would not want to be a part of that kind of behavior either. Well, since you can't control what comes out of her mouth or how those hearing her words will react, then you have to decide what you will do about it, since you are the only person you do have control over. Will you choose to ignore it any go on with your event? Will you choose to get up and walk away from her? Will you choose to comment so others know you do not agree with what she has said? Will you refuse to go to another similiar event with her? Whatever you decide your action will be will become your boundary. So instead of *When we go here you CAN'T do this* It now becomes..... * When we go here IF you do that, I will do this* Does that make sense?
Another point I want to touch on is that boundaries don't have anything to do with step 1. Regardless of what you decide to do about her actions while in your company......you are STILL powerless over alcohol. I believe there are actually 3 parts to step 1. First you admit that your life has become unmaneable. For most of us that is the easy part. It's pretty crystal clear by the time we get to step 1. Second you admit you are powerless over alcohol. This can be a little harder because most of us have up to this point done everything in our power to control our loved ones drinking/drugging, so it's almost like we're admitting defeat of some sort. Third and the hardest part is *accepting* our powerlessness. That was the hardest part for me. Sure I could admit it, but it was another story to accept it and then continue on with my life and my recovery from there.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
The only thing that came to my mind is that I don't have to allow my personal integrety to be stepped on by an alcoholic, at the expense of others,... those being yelled at from a car window...
This is when I pull over and let the alcoholic suffer the conscquences of their behavior...
Pull over and let them out of my car....
Won't leave it, okay... I will... with my keys...
and call & ask the police to escort them away from the vehicle.
Thats tough love that allows me to love myself in spite of what the alcoholic is doing or not doing..
The alcoholic will soon realize that acting like a fool around John doesn't work.
Yours In Recovery,
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Today's reading in "Hope for Today" says it beautifully.
"Al-Anon tells me I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior."
It is a difficult thing to figure how to deal with their unacceptable behavior in a way that doesnt appear to be us trying to control them. However, we have to understand that ultimately we have to be concerned about ourselves, and how their behavior effects us, and then set boundaries to protect ourselves.
Then we have to calmly explain to the A, when they are sober, what our boundary is going to be. To be sure, they probably wont like it, and will probably react with the ole "your trying to control me" song and dance, however in actuality we are not. As long as we are accepting of the fact that they are gonna do what they are gonna do and we cant stop it. We can no longer accept the part of their behavior that effects us.
For me this means setting the boundary like...if you stay out til 3 am, please dont come to bed and wake me up. Sleep in the guestroom or on the couch. Instead of trying to set the boundary of ...You cant stay out til 3 am.
I had a difficult time with that one myself. I could not deal with it.
I had to 1st let the person know how it made me feel. I had to not make it sound like an order as A's do NOT like order in any fashion in my experience. For me I told them it was not fun, upset me, and that I just couldn't handle being around that type behavior. Then I gave them a choice if they wanted to be with me. If they couldn't respest that, than we wouldn't go together any more. I looked at the war as a tantrum to not getting their wayand their not wanting to loose my approval . And I let them be that way with someone else as it wasn't healthy for my life. Swaying from it only makes it take longer and I decided I was going to risk the loss if I wasn't concidered so that I kept my sanity. I decided if that person couldn't, then they didn't care about me, so why should I share my time with them.
By no means was this easy to do . And didn't happen overnite. And there were resentments.
Hope this helps.............BLESSINGS
PS The results built my self esteem and restored some energy from not having to deal with it.
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 00:11, 2006-03-10
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 00:25, 2006-03-10
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
