The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I'm new to this group and just starting my alanon journey. Thank you for helping me sift through my thoughts and feelings.
My husband is an alcoholic and though he has been dry for long stretches he has a lot of denial and does not want any kind of formal treatment or support in staying sober long term. I think he believes he has the willpower to be sober without any kind of program despite the science and long standing truths about alcoholism that say that is near impossible, and he is resistant to change and self reflection.
Almost a year ago he picked our son up from his preschool drunk which horrified me. While carrying our three year old, he fell. Then he tried to lie to me about it, but he was drunk and bloody and our son was freaked out. Neither of them were seriously hurt but it was awful. I was beyond done and told him then that I can't raise my son in a dangerous environment like that. He was remorseful, and on his own said he would quit drinking. I'm ashamed to say this wasn't his first broken promise or the first time he was dangerous around my son. I was full of hope at the idea of a sober husband though.
Slowly he started to drink again, small amounts at first, then more. I didn't protest much, everything seemed okay and i wanted the illusion back -- no problem here, we're fine. He tried to hide his drinking from me a few times, and I called his attention to some of his behaviors but even then I let things slide. I just wanted so badly to be happy and to build a life together and at that time he wasn't completely drunk, he was pushing boundaries. This past Sunday though he was black-out drunk when he came home. He had finished work early, stayed after his shift and drank at the bar without telling me where he was. He also was drunkenly telling lies trying to cover for his drinking, to make it more acceptable. He also said hurtful things while he was drunk. I felt so angry, and felt as if he had violated my trust, spoiled the nice family I wanted us to be - this is an illusion I need to let go of.
Again, in the light of day he was remorseful and promised to stop drinking. I said again, this isn't acceptable and I can't raise our son in a home that is dysfunctional and unsafe. And here we are going around the cycle again. Except I can't do this again, I'm seeking help for myself. I'm struggling to find a balance between setting healthy boundaries for myself and my son, and giving my alcoholic husband space to find his own healing path. I think he needs to want recovery for himself, but he just isn't there yet.
One of the patterns I've become aware of is a form of gas-lighting where he tells me I overreact to everything he does. It is ingrained in me. I'm questioning whether I'm overreacting or being dramatic by demanding a safe and healthy home. Asking him to get into treatment or a program of some kind or move out feels like an overreaction to me even though logically I know it is a smart and healthy boundary to set. One scenario I fear is "forcing" him into a program he does not want, then being blamed when he goes back to drinking, or being blamed for the drama in some other way. It's paralyzing, a way to trap myself in inaction. If i do nothing I will not be overreacting, I will not be standing up for myself. I have to let go of seeking his approval for my actions - he can think whatever he wants - I need to do what is right for me.
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you've shared.
Alcoholism is a powerful progressive disease which can't be cured, but can be treated through recovery. For most alcoholics, they are not able to stop on their own, which is where treatment and/or AA come in. Al-Anon is for the family and friends of the alcoholic. The best way to learn and understand boundaries is to choose to take care of you and get your own recovery.
Setting boundaries is one small part of the program, and often easier to do with some program experience. Detaching with love and understanding more about the disease and recovery are critical elements of the program, which will help with setting boundaries and learning to find your joy and peace no matter what he is (or is not) doing.
It is in local meetings (F2F = Face to Face) that I found support and fellowship that helped me understand the disease, recovery and my part in the chaos/drama that often comes with the disease. Search locally for meetings in your area, and attend a few - it will help you more than anything else at this stage.
Keep coming back here and know that you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Tara I am pleased that you are planning to attend Al-Anon face-to-face meetings. You mentioned your partner's gas lighting you and because of this, you're unsure of your part in the drama. Al-Anon meetings, fellowship, working the Steps while examining your motives will help you gain the clarity that you need. You are not alone and Al-Anon works. :)
Yes a friend is even driving me tomorrow to a meeting. I'm looking forward to this, though I'm nervous. I read a book last year about fear, sometimes fear means we need to go towards something instead of away from it.
Hi Tara, welcome to MIP. So glad to hear that you are actively seeking out the program; I believe the wisdom and guidance from the program will light a path upon which you will discover answers to your questions and hope for a return to sanity.
Meetings are a valuable part of the program. For me, daily reading of program literature has also been an irreplaceable source of consistent, healthy guidance and enlightenment. Daily reading, along with meditation on the new concepts I discovered, allowed me to find answers to the many questions I had when I first came to AlAnon and was struggling to understand my role in the disease.
There are many great AlAnon books such as the daily readers: One Day at a Time in AlAnon, Courage to Change, And Hope for Today. In the back of each, an index of topics points to specific, one page topics where I can find brief, powerful guidance on just about every question that has come up in my life. Setting boundaries is specifically addressed in the readers, and I benefitted immensely from the perspective they provide.
I wish you the best on your journey of recovery, and from what you've shared so far, it looks like you are well on your way. Willingness to learn a better way and keep an open mind goes a long way. Keep up the good work, may the peace and wisdom of the program lighten your burdens
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Your story is familiar to me and I'm looking forward to hearing how your face to face meeting goes for you. Reaching out to others that understand helped me a lot and I'm so grateful for all that I learnt. It sounds like you have some good awareness about your own needs. I didn't even know what boundaries were for many many years - apart from the fence around my property! As for gas lighting - ugh!!! I hated that and it really did have me thinking that I was crazy. I found it helpful sometimes to take alcohol out of the equation in my thinking - not all of the time, but kind of useful when I was wondering 'would I normally put up with this sort of thing?'
Anyway, your Alanon journey is exciting and loving, welcome on the path!
This space seems to really help me, to have a place to go any time of day and think things through. I like to reflect through writing and I have had positive experiences before in online groups so I was very excited to find this community. I am also looking forward to my meeting tonight and to whatever comes next. I do have difficulty with uncertainty though. I desperately want to KNOW what is next, to jump to the part where everything is settled again. It feels a little silly to write it out but I came from a childhood of emotional chaos and I find security in stability and predictability, even when it is an illusion or unhealthy. Making steps towards healing myself is up-ending a lot of my illusions and making me uncomfortable even though it is good, and it is what I want to be doing. I'm living in that tension and trying to learn from it.
I found that learning to trust myself helped, and of course we have our higher powers, whatever form they take for each and every one of us. I guess that listening to my choices, how comfortable I felt about them and then trusting my feelings about them helped. By accepting that uncertainty exists, which I hear you doing in your post here, I was able to look at what happens now, on a day to day basis, and how I handle it. That helped me to see that I did have ok coping abilities after all.
I know what you mean about feeling uncomfortable whilst up-ending illusions - it can be powerful stuff, but as you say it is worth it. Sometimes it is ok to take a little time out to smell the roses along the way as well. It can be exhausting work otherwise.
PS That is a beautiful picture that you are using. I hope you stick around because we have thousands of those dandelions on our hillside in the Springtime. I'll post a photo - when they arrive!
Well wishes from me for your meeting tonight too!!! Please come back and share how it was - I always love to hear about the first meeting!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks so much for your support. My first meeting was lovely. My friend helped me feel comfortable, and the group was very welcoming. I felt a little shy but loved listening to everyone and will be back.
Tara - super cool update ... thanks for stopping by and sharing. I am glad that you found it welcoming and don't worry about being shy. I know when I arrived, I was scattered and shattered, and did not have anything positive to say about anyone in my life. The program has helped me change that beyond words.
Glad you had the courage to take that step and go! Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome to the fellowship. As we like to say in my F2F home group, you're in the right place; keep coming back.
Boundaries really come in three parts. Part one is knowing where our bottom line is - what we will and will not consider to be acceptable to us. Part two is clearly communicating those boundaries to others so that they know where we begin and end. Part three is where the rubber meets the road: providing consequences for when our boundaries are violated. In the case where the safety of the children is at risk, you may need to seriously consider physical/geographical distance which would serve not only as a consequence, but as a means of protecting your kiddos.
mini update: my AH has sworn off drinking and even declined kombucha because of the alcohol in it. He thought that would fix everything but I told him I'm sticking with my recovery and I'm not ready to make big decisions, and don't feel trusting/intimate right now. This seemed to hurt his feelings but he accepted it and agreed that I need space to work this out.
We all had a cold but it seemed to really hit him hard. We had planned to go out as a family but he wanted to cancel, several times he made comments about how none of us should go. I just said I wanted to go and he didn't need to come along. I gave him the opportunity to join us, then left. My son and I had a lovely time without him.
When we came home he was "sleeping" which seemed like a ploy to appear helpless and needy but then came out to see us and participated in bed time routine as usual which I wasn't expecting so that was nice. I see this tension in him - on one hand trying so hard to be "good" and on the other really fearing change, fearing recovery and fearing help. Of course these are my own projections but it helps me feel compassionate towards him while I move forward.
More good news, I found a mental health counselor who can see me for free through my insurance, he has a specialization in addiction treatment and family counseling and I'm hopeful that he will help me continue to sift through all of this.
thank you all for your support.
and for my name/avitar Yes, I love Dandelions. They are beautiful, healing herbs with much to teach us. I chose Taraxacum because dandelions are a "weed" to most people but they show up to heal us too. I made my peace with dandelions, I know I can make peace with my life as well.
