The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have been off the boards for quite some time, for I discovered the spiritual path that works well for me, and I wanted to be in the present and maybe look into the future, thats why I didn't come back much here to share, for I needed to make peace with the past and be silent about it, i was so happy and busy to be alive in the past year. Sorry about my absence.
Now it happens that no matter how much I worked and am in recovery in a good place i think, the post is creeping up and out again.
Same drama of addiction, different players and different addiction. Those of you who remember me, ma also remember how much destructive my last relationship has been with the A, as I tried to help him out of it, as the good co-dependent i was. i lost a lot in the process, but I learned a lot, mainly about awareness.
So my awareness is still with me, and that's why I realize red flags. I met a guy 8 months ago. wonderful person, quiet, calm, knows who he is, no drama, no dishonesty. or so it seems. Very dedicated and present when we became friends. after a few months as friends we fell in love, and I thought, wow, love can be that simple and beautiful-. but then bit by bit another truth surfaces. He was still involved with another girl all that time, who he says he doe s not want to be with , but who is so attached to him, she won't let him go, no matter what. and it's true, I met her also, and she is quite obsessed, she is actually my mirror image from 3 years back, so I recognize the signs of a dysfunctional toxic relationship.
I believe him when he says he wants out, and I also can see how obsessive she is (which makes me understand my own past even better now), she calls daily 30-50 times, calls me also to know where we are. and all of a sudden I realize that I ended up in the same messy triangle toxic relationship that it took me so much effort to get out fromthe addiction being another person to somebody else, my boyfriend to this other girlbut the symptoms are all the same, and it feels wrong in my gut.
He is a real perfect co-dependent with a really good soul, but needing to help everyone for him to feel at peace. Now he realizes he wants to be with me, says he loves me really and there are moments we manage to talk about the future, but I just realized how much involved he still is with her, now he says he wants to HELP her..
a) i know that an addicted person cannot be helped in the traditional way, rock bottom is THE help.and if he is her addiction, then his presence and attention certainly don't do much good to her
b) I understand he wants to help her, for I know the person he is and understand his compassion, but in that process I am afraid I will have to leave.because he is still working off his past, and there is no time for presence, and no hope for future. I am unseen right now.
I love him very much and we can talk about anything in a very calm way, no violence, no aggression, no hate, no anger, a lot of calmness..but these days I am pondering about, should I stay or should I go. This is not what I signed up for, definitely not, had I known all the details when we were in the meeting phase, I would have just kept him as a friend and moved on with my more healthy life. Being so close to the signs of addiction again, makes me go mental again, and all I want is peace of mind. But how do you leave the one you love without feeling horribly disrupted.
right now I just try to detach.we just came back from a five day trip where we had a loving calm time, his phone switched off and we were away from everything. but that is not reality, is it!?
((Tortuga))) Nice to hear from you. Your alanon tools will work here as well. Keep the focus on yourself, detach from the constant calls, use the slogans, and keep coming back
Welcome back (((tortuga)))) You sound like you've come to alot of realizations concerning this man. You've made a decision to get out of this relationship. Just my opinion but it sounds like a decision that is coming from a place of recovery.
You mentioned "I love him very much and we can talk about anything in a very calm way, no violence, no aggression, no hate, no anger, a lot of calmness." That's great, you've had some essential qualities for a healthy relationship in your relationship with this man. Here is where at least for me all of that falls apart. He lied to you. It hasn't been a relationship based on honesty. This would have me wonder if I in love with this man. When this secret came out, I would wonder if I really know this man at all. Alcohol as a mistress or another woman, the pattern of secretiveness and lying is the same.
You're thinking is sane to admit you are not up for another round of addiction. If you are feeling emotional and physical effects, your dis-ease may be your higher power's way of taking care of you and helping you to distance yourself for the sake of your sanity and health.
"We just came back from a five day trip where we had a loving calm time, his phone switched off and we were away from everything. but that is not reality, is it!?" Maybe reality is that he's getting mileage out of two women and making himself out to be noble. Nice work if he can get it.
"But how do you leave the one you love without feeling horribly disrupted?"
When the one you love most is yourself and you abandon yourself for another person, there a loss of self and serenity.To Thine own self be true. I think HP puts these relationships in front of us to show us how we are growing, what we've learned and each of these relationship helps recognize what will and won't have in our life.
You are recovering and sometimes that means letting go of people and continuing to go forward toward healthier ones. It sounds like you've had a lot of progress but I'm glad you chose to come back and share. Happy New Year (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I so agree that if you work the steps on your situation, the answers will come. Love is difficult for everyone - for 'us' in recovery, I believe we have an added layer of complexity. There is good in that for sure and sometimes it makes me over-think and move away from the day, which is what we really only have.
Only you can decide what's right for you, your serenity and your truth. I wish you god-speed as you begin the journey of looking at what is working and what isn't working.
Good to see you again!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
