The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a Pre-K teacher at a Private Center and was working my last day of 2015 on Wednesday, Dec. 29 when my sister called me in hysterics. I am well aware of her issue with alcoholism and how bad it has been for at least 6 weeks. She has had issues with substance abuse in the past and has been in rehab several times, but all of those times, I hear about it. I have never seen her at her worst. Each time I see her, she has sobered up and claims that she is fine. When I saw her on Christmas Eve, she was doing great (or so I thought) and was planning to go to a major facility for a 30 day detox treatment.
On that Wednesday, when I left school, I drove to her house .... she is 30 minutes away from me in another city. I have no words to describe what I saw. She was a wreck. She literally curled up in my lap and sobbed and begged for help. Her ex-husband had left for New Orleans with their 17 year old daughter, and my sister was home alone. So, I ended up taking her back to my house and my husband and I tagged teamed shifts taking care of her. My sister's choice of alcohol is wine. We gave her a little at a time, and each time, made her drink water. The last 4 days has been HORRIBLE. She has cried, thought she was dying, refused to bathe, barely ate or slept. I did finally get her to bathe today, but it was a fight. She has been wearing shorts and has rug burns on her bottom where she scoots across the floor, because she can not walk. Yesterday, she had more strength than when she first came to my house, and was actually eating something and drinking A LOT of Gatorade. When she left my house this morning, she had not had a drink in several hours. She asked me to stop at a convenience store so that she could go to the bathroom, and I knew better .... I did ... but I sat in the car and when my sister came out, she had a bottle of wine hidden in her purse. I tried to take the bottle and it led to massive drama. Needless to say, when I left her house, she had the bottle. I feel like a terrible sister, but I was darn near done with the drama and arguing.
My sister was hoping to go to treatment on Friday, but it fell through. With it being the New Year, I spent hours on the phone trying to get answers and payment information with no luck. Her ex-husband is agreeing to help pay something and left a check for me to pick up at his house, but then came back and said he did not have the funds at the time to cover any deductible /co-pay, so we never took my sister for lack of money. That being said, we do not know when she will go. I had to take her back to her house today, because my husband and I have to go back to work tomorrow, and I am leaving for south Alabama for a teacher conference. I will be there until Wednesday. My director payed for me to go and I can not, well, NOT go. My husband works in a call center and has to be at work in the morning. She has no one to stay with her. Her ex is an emergency room doctor and is working for the next week straight and is at a hospital a good 4 hours away. My sister has alienated friends, is not going to work, has no boyfriend ... literally has nobody. My mom finally agreed to take her in, but my sister refused and pitched a major fit.
All of that said ... alcoholism runs strong in my family. Even though I enjoy drinking, I never felt the desire to depend on it. When I have had enough, I have had enough and care little to drink for a while. My father died about 5 years ago. He mixed alcohol and prescription meds. It was a fatal mistake. His father, my grandfather drank and was hospitalized with pancreatitis. After that, he stopped drinking. My brother is in prison for something he did while abusing pills and alcohol. My sister is now suffering. I do not know how I am not as bad as my siblings, but I am thankful to GOD that I am not and that I do not have that genetic disposition. We were a beautiful family and well loved. My sister wanted for NOTHING for years, as she was married to a doctor and was able to stay home to raise her daughter. She has led such a life of privilege.
My sister is now home alone. My husband is terrified that she is going to die. And she may. I keep explaining to him that she is 45 years old and her choices are HERS. She has got to find strength in herself to pull herself out of this until she gets treatment - and she will get treatment. We have done all we can and her circumstance is out of our control. You can not help someone who does not help themselves, right... My mom is looking into possibilities tomorrow for her to get treatment and although I know I have done all I know to do, and I probably did all the wrong things, I can not help but worry and pray and hope she pulls through the night.
I do not know why I am posting. I am looking for words of wisdom and I am just venting as I just do not know what to do. Am I a horrible sister?
Welcome Beth You certainly are a supportive compassionate sister. You did nothing wrong in attempting to help your sister.
I would like to state that, alcoholism is a progressive, chronic fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. Since it is a disease , we are powerless over it, as we did not cause it cannot control it and cannot cure it. Alcoholism not only affects the person who drinks, it also affects the entire family. Alanon is a recovery program for family members who have developed negative coping tools while living with the disease.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. I urge you to attend . It is here I developed new tools to live by as I still supported my family Keep coming back
Welcome Beth to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you shared. I am sorry for the disease that is running through your family - it's a progressive disease that is never cured, but often managed through recovery. Alcoholism is considered a family disease and those of us who live with or love an alcoholic do some interesting things in the name of 'love' and 'support'.
Al-Anon is the recovery program for us. We learn more about the disease in Al-Anon as well as how to regroup, regain our own lives, allow them the dignity of living theirs and how to set boundaries and detach with love. I am a double-winner (AA & Al-Anon) and met & married my husband in recovery (AA). I stayed sober, he did not. It's been an interesting journey.
We have 2 boys, both of whom ended up in addiction. One is in recovery and one is not - he's still active. That too has been a very painful, interesting journey. So, while my experience is different, many of the actions are similar and the feelings certainly are.
So, no - you are not a horrible sister. You are a human who has watched someone you love keep doing the same things over and over and over again, and you are tired. You are realizing, just as I did, that you are powerless over another person, and no matter how much you love, them, care for them, do for them, worry about them, you can't fix them or control the disease. That's usually the first step of our side of the program - when we realize and admit that we are powerless and all our efforts are making us crazy and taking away from our own lives/family/truth.
I believe that you, your husband and your mom would all benefit from attending Al-Anon. Try a meeting, two, six, etc. and see what you think. You will find support there that is not available in any other avenue you seek as only those of us who have lived with this disease and watched it grow and progress in another understand as perhaps nobody else can. There are meetings in almost every community and you will feel welcome when you arrive.
We have meetings here twice daily as well - see the top left for the schedule and link to the room. The Al-Anon program uses the same 12 Steps as the AA program, yet we apply them a bit differently. We have literature, slogans, steps and fellowship that help us regain our own sanity, find our joy and get our serenity back.
Again, so glad you found us. Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for the replies!! I am a strong person and have to deal with a lot being a Pre-K teacher. I have 23 four and five year olds in my classroom - with an assistant teacher. I have had chairs thrown at me, have been hit, kicked, screamed at, tantrums everyday ... and I handle it. I think I handle it well, as I have been doing this for 5 years. Prior to this, I worked in the public schools and have seen some really hard cases!!
I survived a brain tumor 2 years ago, and while I was going though it ... before surgery and after .. in ICU and private room, my sister was there. I feel I should do so much more for her.
You think you are a strong person until you realize that the person you love is making their decisions and you are powerless. You can talk until you are blue in the face, reason, beg ... but it is for nothing unless they decide healing is a choice. I love her and hate seeing her go through this. She is so ashamed of herself and is struggling. I hate this battle and I hate that she is fighting it.
YES ... I plan on attending an Al-Anon meeting. I want to prepare myself to fight this with my sister - if that is possible. I want a support group. My mom has been to a few meetings.
I can not say it enough - THANK YOU for the responses. This is hard, and I am a strong person. Or at least I thought I was.
Hey Beth - I had to learn that it is 100% ok to love your qualifier and hate the disease. That helped me a ton in the beginning...
Keep coming back - you will do just fine and Al-Anon will be helpful in getting you added tools to handle this disease!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
