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He keeps coming home (after a full day of drinking) talking sh** and being a jerk. The more I ignore the more he keeps at it with little things like burning my pots trying to cook (for the second time in 24 hrs) Cant call my sponsor right now because I would need to leave the kids home alone with him in order to speak privately...feeling like a trapped animal like this is how the police always end up at my house.
(((Hopefull)) Try going to the Chat room or pick up your C2C or ODAT. Read a few readings, recite the serenity prayer an if needs be call 911. Prayers and positive thoughts on the way
Hopeful, having the forum here for you to vent should give you some venting space and comfort. I would rather lose a pot then my temper. You can always buy a new pot. Stay with your kids and ignore him, letting him suck you into his misery is not worth the lose of your integrity.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Sorry hopeful, it's awful feeling as though you don't want to be in your own home. I found it intolerable; for years I would take my child to my mothers and stay as long as possible just to avoid the angry fight picker at home!!
One thing that helped for me was eliminating as many opportunities as possible for him to antagonise me, such as buying new pots, pans and dishes and hiding them so that he could dirty up/ burn the old ones all he liked and I just left them that way and used my new ones and smiled to myself.
Hugs!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hopeful - so very sorry that the disease is raising up right now. Your post reminded how much I used to fret and dislike the weekends - having 3 qualifiers and me stuck in/around the house for 2.5 days was almost more than I could stand....
I agree with all that's been shared - get out, go to Walmart, go to McD's for ice cream, go to a friends, a relatives, a movie - do whatever you can to take a break and get away. I used to clean closets and/or the garage when it was really crazy in the house and I couldn't leave. I would try to journal, text another program friend - that's harder to do but more private if a call can't happen.
Of course, there are always the 2 meetings here.....and - I have to say ... thank goodness for nap time. I can honestly say that what you are experiencing in your kitchen is one reason why I used to cook in advance on Friday. The mess was way less when I cooked and all they had to do was heat/warm up than expecting them to clean up anything they cooked!
(((Hugs))) girl - so sorry that you're feeling super trapped at home! Hang in there and know we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
In the event of a true emergency my cousin lives nearby but we're not that close where i would feel comfortable running over there with kids in tow on random nights like this...especially when things erupt late at night. (He's gone on nasty verbal rants that have lasted 2-3 hrs straight at 11 at night in the past) My in-laws stay close by as well but the last time I called them for help his mom treated me like I was the 'problem' and told me not to ever call her again with our 'drama'...that was 2 yrs ago...wiped my hands of his parents after that point. Although in hindsight I cant imagine why I ever thought I would get support from them given they are the source of his 'issues' ( his dad is an A but not a beligerant drunk like his son)...they like pretend our issues are just 'irreconcilabe differences' and pretty much beleive his lies about me and our marriage...its just sickening and Im having a really hard time letting go of resentment with them. But I dont have to deal with them directly, so its not too bad where they are concerned ...but I do have to put up with him when he comes.from spending time with them.
Missmeliss I like ur idea about the second set of pots and pans but that wouldnt work as he would find those and use them on purpose and leave the mess for me and my daughter to clean... He's pissed with me right now and going out of his way to be a jerk behaving like a 2yr old because Ive told him that after his latest antics over the last few months Im done with him and am now seeking legal counsel...
Iamhere..I also dread weekends for the same reason. Another example.of his ignorance right now is that he will come in knowing full well that Ive already cooked for.the house and will cook (burn) hot dogs and baloney for himself to spite me and leave the mess . Definitley doi g an online meeting.tonight
Well one good thing he was sleep (or passed out I should say) when we got back home. Im tired and want to go to bed but I keep thinking how much he stinks right now. He tends to skip bathing for days at a time (usually weekends are low priority-unless of course he's going by his parents house, he'll make nice with soap and water then)... and of course he loves getting into bed with the clothes he's had on for 2-3 days straight so of course now the bed and covers smells rank too because he sweats when he sleeps...just disgusting. I'd sleep on the couch if it wasnt so uncomfortable...I'll deal with a stinky bed and count my blessings though...could be worse..he could still be woke and giving me hell : ) Thanks for letting me vent....
(((Hugs))) girl......hope you get a good night's sleep!
Take care ... I meant to go to the meeting tonight and get sidetracked - urgh!
Maybe in the AM!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It may be hard to envision right now how you could separate and live a life without him, but with some advance planning that could be possible. I just want to put that out there as frequently we feel we have no choices, and while that may be largely true in the short term, in the long term we can either stay or not stay, whichever is best for us. So that might be something to think about.
amen. when i think of the ways i had to twist myself to please or not to displease him..also the humility of being forced and coerced to enagae intimately, the millions of things,facts i kept in my head that were really his to remember etc..gosh, i have my own brain and spirit back. I dont always like that because i feel emotional pain alot but i also have been experiencing amazing moments and hours of joy. self generated and joy i get from my bro in law and niece and comfort. I thought i was dead in everyway as far as womanly feelings too, but they have magically reappeared after 15 yrs. I guess it wasnt my lack of hormones mostly but the lack of love for my xah and for myself being there...I have had a talk with my new/old boyfriend and have tried to make him understand that i want to be independant and do for myself and keep myself as my own seperate self. it is hard to describe this but i have erected some boundaries and yet allowed myself joy and touch and a new person in my life and pray to be guided by my higher power. I guess this should have been my own post but too late,sorry. trying to not worry too much. there are 3 meetings just 1 bus and 15 minutes away here. i think friday i will go if my cold is better
love u guys
Physical separation is actually what Im working towards now because he is an emotional/ verbally abusive drunk who has become vendictive and nasty..if he was anythi g else I might have been able to hang in there..saw a lawyer today and will be filing any day now. He ditched work yesterday supposedly bcuz he didnt have gas...but found out my 14yr old loaned him money yesterday and yet he asked me after I got off work to loan him more money bcuz he needed gas to get to work!...WTF!!!. I was so angry with her for giving it to him but tried not to show it. I explained to her that what he did was very inappropriate and that she should not be giving him money bcuz he's lying about why he needs it.and what he's using it for..she was all irritated saying she didnt like all the questions but I told her that I will.continue to do so as long as he is doing underhanded things like that. He came in tonite knowing he owes me bill money and purposely gives the kids money for their pockets in front of me and says nothing about giving me the money he owes to pay the bills...I have officially crossed over into hate territory
So sorry to hear about the intolerable behavior you have been enduring, your anger is quite underdstandable and it sounds as if you have made up your mind to separate - you must decide what is right for you and work towards protecting yourself and your kids, you and they are your priority. Hate is understandable, a reaction to the abuse you have had to deal with but I had to learn to be careful with such a powerful emotion, hate can damage our own wellbeing as well. My sponsor always suggested I focus my hate on the disease rather than the person. When I was dealing with the rants/verbal abuse it was hard but as time has moved on I can see that it was the drink talking and all that I was getting was a projection of the alcoholic's own self hatred.
It occurred to me that maybe you should use JADE with your 14 year old? To me, it's inappropriate for a teenage daughter to be lending her dad money for *any* reason, whether to buy alcohol or whatever, he should be the one with the money.
Then again, perhaps just reminding her that if she loans her dad money, she may never see it again, so don't be disappointed if/when that happens. Helping to keep her expectations low.
I'm glad you have the courage to change this situation.
Aloha Hopeful, your post brings back many memories of the families I used to work with in Family Support. Is that available to you? You can learn (both of you) many alternatives to the crazies you are going thru now which might work. What the disease is doing is abusing you and the family and that is cause for the police to intervene in the insanity and maybe drag him off to a shelter of a cell. It will work. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Daughter also. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for the encouragement and suggestions...I'll be trying them all. . I've tried really hard to let some more of his antics roll off my back but I'm only successful half the time because for every idiotic thing that comes out of his mouth I am thinking of the sensitive ears of my daughters who are listening to every word. Then I begin to think what kind of impression it must be leaving on them to hear daddy call mommy a stupid b*** or to hear him talk about how he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore because I'm such a monster of a human being and that he's no longer attracted to me, etc..etc. The first time he went there a couple of weeks ago, my initial reaction was horror that he could say such a thing to me, then I snapped.....I hauled off and started punching him and screaming at him to shut up and something or another....it happened so fast that I don't remember much except at the end my daughter was pulling me off of him. On another note, I was sure there was something I could do to have him removed from the house on the basis of mental and emotional cruelty but not so...because our home is considered marital property I could only get him removed by way of petition in divorced/ separation because he hasn't done or threatened bodily harm. Told my lawyer it seems the laws do more to protect him than us! She said unfortunately, I yes they do. So now I have to endure 3-6 months of the legal process at work before it'll be over and he's out.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 6th of January 2016 11:27:38 PM
