The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The wife had what I hoped was a slip about a month-and-a-half ago. She bought a vodka bottle at the drugstore, and downed most of it a day later. I caught her in the garage trying to get more in the morning. It scared the daylights out of her, she was on the phone at 3 AM trying to raise her sponsor and someone from the fellowship. She got someone, then got her sponsor in the morning, and there seemed to be a good plan in place to keep it under check.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, she was hitting another vodka bottle. I saw her took it, she was upset, etc. I thought I smelled vodka on her breath this afternoon, and I mentioned it, and she denied it. She left with a friend for awhile, then came home, seemed ok, but ten minutes later i could tell something was off. I found the bottle in our closet, another damn bottle of Absolut (I wish that company would rot in hell, along with Smirnov).
I violated a couple rules tonight, looking for the bottle, and confronting her immediately. She denied all. So now I know she is active.
Recently she did lose her sponsor, a week or so after the first incident. Her sponsor had been overdoing the prescription meds in the opinion of her sponsor, so she had to give up sponsorship. Too bad, she was a great sponsor, and my wife hasn't found another one. I don't know if she is even really looking.
It is such a shame, she did so well for two years. She will be off her probation in March, if she has a test done on her in the next week she will blow it. It will be bad news in many, many ways.
Our agreement when she first came out of rehab was that she go back for detox if she started drinking again. We have modified the agreement since since I have built up so much trust with her. And going back would be automatic probation violation I would think.
I need to be able to keep my cool, I am running out of patience. And I need to be able to confront her tomorrow morning and come up with a real plan. I pray to HP that she can recover from this.
Hugs Kenny. Lots of prayers and support for you and your family. This an awful disease. It sounds like you are in a good place that's 3/4 of the silent battle. S
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Damn Kenny. Not sure what to say. I think maybe stick to the plan and to hell with the probation. She made this choice. If you can get her to agree...this is a serious disease and 5hat would be best for her. Of course she probably wont agree. Sucks. If she is in relapse mode and then gets off probation in 2 months, she will just relapse harder.
That just sucks so bad and I am so sorry to hear this.
Big hugs Kenny. I'm sorry it's coming undone for now; the good news is you know where to come and that you'll be OK no matter what.
We're all with you!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Kenny - I too am sorry for the situation. My son was on probation once, and we had a similar agreement. I did enforce the detox/treatment route and had him make contact and self report to the probation office. They did not violate him - not sure why - but they did not.
No matter what you choose to do, know that we are here for you. I am sending you some positive thoughts and prayers, as well as for your wife!!
Also, I totally understand why you did what you did today and while we don't recommend those choices, please be gentle with yourself. It happens and when they are dishonest, it keeps me from thinking I am crazy and helps me process.
Huge (((Hugs)))...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Not able to sleep right now. I talked to her for a couple minutes, she said she is scared because it seems like a big coincidence that i said she smelled like alcohol, then found a bottle. She thinks I planted it! We are back to square one on this whole deal I'm afraid. So scared, for her, for us, for our son. Will keep praying....
I think this goes without saying stick close here, to your program, your hp and your sponsor. There are just no words that are going to make a difference. It's such a very intimate personal decision. No matter what, you know people are here in support. Take care of you first and the rest will become clear. Hugs.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
((Kenny)) I so remember that pain and heart break , the fear and anxiety. Meetings, a sponsor, posting, alanon calls all helped me to keep the focus on myself so I could discover the courage, and wisdom to keep showing up in my own life. Continued prayers.
Oh Kenny, I remember those fears, the twisted blaming to avoid the truth, the denial. Hugs and support to you. It's time for you to get back into YOUR program and ask your HP to guide you one day at a time into what decisions need to be made in the near future. Big HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Kenny, try hard to avoid that silly "you planted it" crap. Insanity of addiction right there. As if you wanted to find that. I'm sure it was about the last thing you wanted to find.
There are many reasons why people relapse as well as reasons why they don't. Just know that you did not cause it and keep reaching out as I can see you already are getting alcoholic insanity thrown at you.
Yeah PC, 2 AM is a pretty bad time to discuss anything, especially with someone who is intoxicated! Things are more calm this morning, we've had a talk anyway, don't know if it was deflective or not. Anyway I will be ramping up my recovery. Still little time for meetings, but I will definitely be writing on here and doing some step work.
I emphasize with you Kenny the memories I have of this are still fresh even when I no longer live with my alcoholic/addict partners. Might it help for you to go to an AA meeting and sit and listen. They will let you share and that is an option also. I remember finding a question in the past that asked me "I know she isn't blind, I wonder how the look on my face and my body language make her feel about herself"? Did my Alcoholic/Addict care? She did a lot and she felt the same heart break and disappointment that I felt. I had to keep my voice low and kick the anger to the curb as I remember the Al-Anon lesson "We don't beat up the sick". The disease sucks badly especially sometimes that part which works on recovery. Stay with us we stand with you including the tearful times. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks Jerry, Throughout her recovery I have become very sympathetic. And after all the dust settled on the first two found bottles, her sponsor said I was a great husband for her. But this time I lost it because it was the first time it felt like she was lying to me.
So yes, I am apparently still on the journey, almost capsized last night. I did make her feel like crap, and have apologized for it. And we have had a good talk about it.
Thanks for all the support everyone, I so appreciate it!
I remember when my AH relapsed. It was like someone punched me in the stomach. The disappointment then quickly turned to resentment and rage. That was back before I found Alanon. I know if it happens again I may not be fully prepared but I will have better tools to live by and deal with it. Hang in there Kenny and keep posting here, you are definitely not alone. I will be thinking of you and your family and praying you all find some sort of peace in the midst of the chaos. (((Hugs)))
((Hugs)). When XAB relapsed with drugs in 2015, he was on probation, but not prohibited from alcohol (weird but that was the decision of the judge...maybe a test to say hey you can, but let's see if you do). He self reported to his that he was struggling, and in the end his honesty, and work ethic, allowed him to face the judge again and be granted early release.
Things are going better. We had a couple of good long talks yesterday, and I am releasing her to her own recovery. And mine to mine.
It doesn't help the sterss any that there is a crazy kid making threats to my son's school on Facebook the last couple of weeks. This kid (if he even is a kid) is very good at covering his tracks internet-wise, and the police and FBI haven't yet been able to locate him. And he continues to post horrific things that he threatens that he will do at the high school. The last day of last semester the school was closed due to this, and today the police and FBI - and I - think that there is no real threat at this point. But it still makes it pretty horrific for me to drop him off there, and for his mom to say goodbye to him this morning.
Wow, it's always something, thanks HP that I have this group here to be able to share with!
So glad you came back and gave an update! I am also happy for you that you've been able to draw upon your program and find some peace in discussions with your wife. My prayers continue for you both and for your recovery program(s) to kick in full gear.
I can't imagine dropping off a child with that 'noise' in the background. It would be nerve wracking and unnecessary added stress. Prayers for all involved, and that the authorities find the person making the threats.
One moment at a time, one day at a time. Know we're are here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
1st and now 2nd day back at school - nothing. as I suspected. Just some person who wants to make us all live in fear. He/she/it will be found, but it will take time, they are technically savvy and know how to cover their tracks well.
Oh Kenny - that just stinks.....it seems as if what one person finds funny or disruptive can affect a group larger than desired.
I hope they catch them sooner rather than later. Folks like this need to face the consequences of their actions.
Continued thoughts and prayers for you and your family!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
They caught the little booger who was threatening my son's high school. In fact, there were three juveniles and an adult arrested. We are hoping they truly were the people, but there is still high security and police presence at the school. Per my sources, since this was a federal crime, if/when they are convicted they will do at least 75% of their time, which is still much more humane than if they just dropped them into the high school gym with all the parents.
My wife is doing OK, no episodes since then, and hitting more meetings, and we are getting closer. In fact, we had our 26th anniversary yesterday, and it was really nice!
Now that school is getting back to normal my parental volunteer schedule is full. Love seeing these kids grow right in front of my face!
Congratulations all round Kenny. It is lovely to hear that you and your wife enjoyed your anniversary together and that all is more peaceful at school as well.
(I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but picture the height that those 'little boogers' might have been dropped from before landing in the high school gym - thank goodness we live in a humane society!)
Kenny - such good news on the capture of those who were doing the threats. I hoped it was juveniles who weren't thinking properly but I am always surprised when these types of things include adults......SMH & WTH???? So glad that your part of the world can relax a bit and the kids can return to being taught vs. being threatened/distracted.
Congrats. to you and your wife on the anniversary! How awesome and what a gift that it was a great day. Regarding your spouse, my prayer has been that she realize her time is recovery was 1000% better than her life without recovery, and return for the journey. This has been my experience so that's what I pray for when I hear of a relapse.
If your wife ever wants to talk to another woman in recovery who doesn't 'know her', feel free to PM me and I'll give you my email address. Often it's very hard to start back up with the effort if one is stuck in the shame/embarrassment of the relapse...No harm and no foul here either way - I just offer that to you/her.
May today be better than yesterday and tomorrow remain a mystery yet to unfold.
(((Hugs))) to both!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great Update Kenny!!!! I am so happy for you , your wife and son. Congrats on celebrating your 26th Wedding Anniversary --- That is a huge accomplishment .
