The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading the messages on line and I have come to see I am in an emotional abusive relationship with ABF who is now 3 months sober and I am his cheerleader. I am the one that is there for him constantly, giving him encouragement due to my fear of not seeing him succeed. Its like I am the one holding it together making him not have to do the work required for himself. I am making things easy for him. I get worn out and he gets to just smile and walk on and be happy. I do this because of fear he will abandon me. When he raises his voice, I find I get very afraid and just shut down and go into hiding within myself. What I need to do is stop trying so hard to make this dead relationship work. I need to stop putting effort into it and just focus on myself. He needs to get his needs met elsewhere and if it does not work, its ok. I am exhausted by giving and giving and not getting anything back. I have to stop giving and trying so hard to make it work. Just a huge realization I have made.
It is scary to stop doing all of the work because 1 of 2 things will happen .. they either step up to the plate or they do walk away and look for someone else to do the work for them. I encourage you and applaud you in this self discovery to face your worst fears in that regard and move forward in your own power/strength. He's certainly welcome to walk next to you however for me the idea of dragging along someone who is only half heartedly in a life with me has no appeal what so ever.
GFU!!!!
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Great awareness joker - looks like a first step to me!! Hugs and positive thoughts to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is an interesting discovery Joker.
When I took to examining" my motives" I discovered that most of my "supposedly loving actions" toward another were really based on my own" self interest". I was not a caring compassionate victim as I thought,instead I saw that I was a controlling person who would go to any lengths, sacrifice my own well being so as to get others to behave as I wanted. Powerful awareness and one I am so grateful I was able to see.
Keep taking care of yourself.
You are walking on eggshells. I did it for 20 years. The minute I started working my own recovery and NOT 'helping' my XAH was the minute he knew our relationship was headed for an ending. Mainly because I was changing roles on him. I was creating change in how I let him talk to me, I stepped out of those circular conversations, I learned how to get myself off the merry go round of craziness, I called him out on his abusive tactics, I walked away when he baited me with arguments, I learned to tell him 'you may be right' and then left him to his own thoughts.
When I changed the dynamics, I think we both knew it was headed to an ending. My role was changing through recovery. I was finding my own power and taking responsibility for my motives and I realized that I was playing into the sickness of it all just as he was.
You are gaining awareness and I know it's painful and I know it's eye opening as well. You are doing great and I hope you know that you deserve better. You are worthy of better!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
This sounds familiar to me too joker. Here's to putting yourself as a higher priority! Good realizations. Follow through on what to do next will be challenging but we are here for you.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 2nd of January 2016 11:39:33 AM
Good realisation Joker. I think I came to the same 2-fold realisation at about the same time....1) yes, I really was (am) in an emotionally abusive relationship and 2) it was time to focus on me. Isn't it funny how many years we can spend just trying to give ourselves permission to say hey, I don't think I like how I am being treated?
I think I spent most of the 8 years or so with ABF before al-anon (and the relationships before that too...I sure have a "type") trying to convince myself and everyone else that I was being mistreated. Although it was obvious to everyone else, I still didn't feel I had "the right" to claim my partner was not doing right by me so, I continued trying to prove it over and over and over and again. It was me that couldn't accept it, really.
For me the change came when I read 'getting them sober" and i finally understood that yes, I really WAS being treated like crap and at the same time realising that trying to justify and prove that fact to myself or anyone else would never, ever fix it. What a strange moment that was, to at the same time finally feel like I had some validation....yes, this was abuse I was living in and no...it wasn't what i needed to give my attention to.
How it worked for me was, I kept giving....I didn't stop being a giving person, I just started giving to myself instead of "him". I had it in mind that i was going to treat myself with the loving kindness i had been showing him, and I would treat him with a rough estimation of the amount of care he had been showing me. And as simple as it sounds, that grew and became a lifestyle for me. For years I had treated him as if he was lord and master whilst I was his tearful cheersquad. Now I am lord and master and my own cheersquad for the most part and I try to (kindly) treat him as he has treated me...I don't mean in a nasty or abusive way but, I devote about as much attention and care (and money and love) to his needs as he has always given to mine. And it works pretty well. They say, "you teach people how to treat you". (I think that's a Dr Philism lol). But I decided, what if I take the way he treats me as a guide to how he wants to be treated? And the way i treat him as i guide to how i should treat myself?
Might sound nutty. Really worked for me though
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
