The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is all so hard to explain how little things I can say to him can make him upset. He also has ptsd so any conflict between us he would rather just not talk about. Last night I just wanted us to sit on the couch together. We have talked about this before but for a few 'intimate' reasons he doesn't want to have real close contact with me besides a little hugging and 'soft' kisses. So I feel because he went through several marriages while being an alcoholic then isolated himself for 16 years he has never learned that these are 'normal' interactions and discussions between a man and a woman. Or any two people trying to get along. He thinks it should all come 'natural' and doesn't require 'work'. He will get in worse moods like this occasionally and he asked me to leave if I couldn't stop talking about it. But I don't think he really wanted me to. He said it again and then he also said or go back to the other room. I really wasn't getting upset at him.
So at his age of 71 (15 yrs older than me) I have to realize this is the way it is going to be. I don't know what else to do. What he calls arguments are not and we don't discuss any differences very often. His life is filled with stress having his mother and Aunt both in their 90's in a nursing home. And dealing with some health issues that he sort of eluded to last night that he didn't want to go into detail.
It's very hard. I do love him and don't want to have him out of my life but I don't know what to do sometimes. He has been sober 30 yrs but he feels it is ok to do 'Scratch offs' that we have in Texas which is gambling. He will do a few when I am there and sometimes I think like last night he didn't win on any and maybe that effects his mood. It is hard to say. But then after our discussion he didn't stay mad. Before I left he was talking about what he was going to cook for himself for New Year's Day while I was thinking "How do you turn these feelings off and on so easily."
Fortunately we only see each other a few times a week because I think he is just so used to being alone so much. But he does want me to come over there. We have talked all about that too. Al-Anon has taught me not to have expectations. I really hoped when we first met that we would gradually spend more time together and do other things but it hasn't developed into that.
I just needed to come on here for some support from those of you that can understand exactly what I am talking about. I met him completely by accident and now I am questioning God why? I don't regret our time together. It just gets really hard.
You can like him and him not be "the one." You do sound very focused on him, his feelings, his ptsd, his moods, his gambling, his health..." What about you? What about what you want? At one time, I would list 20 things that grated on me about a person I was dating and then end with "but I love him and it's just hard." It does not have to be that hard. You are settling if you want this relationship to be more than it is. If you are ok with it being not that intimate, committed, and him not being capable of much real emotional connection...go for it. It will just be a casual companionship thing. None of his drama and issues are reasons for you to settle though if you want more.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 1st of January 2016 08:07:51 PM
And it does not sound like it is all alcoholism and what it has done to him. What about codependency and what it has done to you? Sorry if this is sounding harsh. That is not what I mean to do. It just sounds like you aren't happy with things and I recognize your mindset. I wouldn't want you to keep suffering or settling for less than you really want. All the answers are within you...not even so much getting empathy or sympathy for your being in this relationship.
No I really don't think it is codependency. Yes at one time I was too focused on his moods and it effected me too much. Any words between us I was over there the next day or later that night trying to make sure the relationship was ok. I don't do that anymore. I can't explain it all in a few paragraphs. He is too complicated and yes it involves more than Alcoholism.
Maybe I could have more with someone else but I trust Bill and that is a big issue with me. I can't say I 100% trust him because it is very hard for me to trust anyone at this point. I was married 30 yrs and have been hurt by several people. I am realizing it will end up becoming more of a companionship especially as he ages. Yes sometimes it angers me. But I am not investing any more emotion and time at this age looking for the 'one'. I have been hurt too bad. But we still most of the time have a good time together and he can be a lot of fun to be around.
And in his way he is committed to me. There is no one else. We have talked about all of this. Marriage is obviously not for him or us but I am ok with that.
It is really difficult to explain all of this without writing too much. I go to Al Anon f2f and I am focusing on my own needs outside of the relationship.
That's the problem with these forums. Its too hard to explain a situation in a few paragraphs and someone jumps to a conclusion that shouldn't be made. I re read what I wrote and I was upset and really came on here to vent. I won't do that again.
-- Edited by catlover26 on Friday 1st of January 2016 11:58:28 PM
Catlover I do understand, my AH and my relationship sounds the same as yours. I do try to see my part in the tone that I used to use when talking with AH, there is a tone that sets him off and I found that it was not necessary, once I realized what my part was, our conversations definitely took a turn for the better. I am not saying that I baby him, but I did play a part in the bickering that used to occur.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Catlover - in my path to recovery, I am still learning what I need and want from others. I can say that as I grow more program-centered, my needs from others become less. My AH is 12 years my senior and has his own wants/needs. My children also have their own wants/needs. Only when I was able to let go completely of expectations and understand that my wants/needs are different than theirs, did I find a bit of peace in the relationships I have with them...
Things are not lovely or great. I've not spoken with my oldest for a long while. He has 2 children, my grandchildren, which I also have not seen. It makes me sad, however I need to focus on what I can do to be a better person whether they are in my life or not. My second born told my AH just yesterday that he is avoiding me because he thinks I am mad at him. <<<< that right there is a perfect example of how this disease affects a family. I am not mad at him, I have no reason to be mad at him yet his disease tells him differently, so he is reacting to that. I can not compete with this and will not engage or indulge the disease any longer.
My social and spiritual needs are being met because I've chosen to build a circle of program friends and other family. I do not sit here and fret over my qualifiers any longer, nor do I sit and be sad for what isn't. I move forward, each day, one day at a time, asking my HP, God to lead me where I need to go. I had to quit pushing for my will and my needs (only) and truly trusting his will for my life and theirs.
So, I jokingly suggest that I am allowed one question per day with each of my qualifiers and if I go beyond that, I get some attitude. While this really is true, it has become a funny aspect of my life because it's just so ridiculous. Needless to say, I've quit asking questions and just say what I mean/need, mean what I say and not say it mean. I have learned it is no longer my role to make sure they feel OK - it's my job to make sure I feel OK.
Keep working your program and keep looking for your truth. Seek peace and joy in your days - it will come in spite of what you are now experiencing. (((Hugs))) for you today!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
