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Its been a couple of weeks since I last posted and as much as I hate to say it I feel like a broken record ....the on again off again merry go round...just gets exhaustng to the point that I dont even have to energy to get on the boards here or do even an online meeting. I swear every week its something different. New drama, same root cause. This week is no different...Now we're at war because after getting his first check on his new job, I reminded him of the need to pay me back (as he agreed to do) for helping him out with cigs ang gas to get back and forth to his new job...and for the financial burden of carrying the load financially while he has been out of work ( or I should say fired from work due to the binging and not showing up) While he was unemployed and broke I refused to give him money in his hand which meant he could not drink...needless to say life for those 2 weeks was beautifull . He was behaving and was pleasant to be around...obviously once he got his first check he more than made up for the lost time.
Now as if the stress of having to put up with him isnt enough, my 14yr old is exhibiting similar 'coping' behaviors as my husband and it scares me. I recently found out that she's been 'cutting' on and off since she was 12. It was just in the past few weeks that I've learned of her 'habit' and saw the evidence all over her legs while she was trying on some new clothes she got for xmas. I was horrified at what I saw...scratches and cuts all over her legs. I nearly broke down right then and there. Unlike my youngest, she's always been the type who is very gaurded with her emotions and tends to play tough but I know its a front. She refuses to go to alateen so I've taken her to see a counselor. She's been to 2 counseling sessions so far and at this point the counselor is focusing on getting her to 'feel her feelings' in a more constructive way without using the cutting as a crutch. My mind is all over the place now because I work full time and also have a 7yr old...between work, trying to be there for my kids and trying to figure out how the hell to have my AH removed from the house if I cant afford to file for divorce...Im overwhelmed and cant concentrate. I found out that since there's no physical abuse or violence going on, filing for divorce is the only way to get him out and even if I could afford to file, its still a time consuming process which does not automatically get him to leave right now. I cant afford to pack up and move again nor do I feel me and my girls should have to. He said he would be the happy to leave and let us have the house...."just as soon as he 'gets some money together"....(yeah right..if he was anywhere near financally responsible enough or emotionally stable enough to save money to do that sort of thing we wouldnt be in the financial ruins we're in right now!)... anyway just venting and thinking right now..thanks for letting me share.
(((Hugs))) - so very sorry for the current situation. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for you all. This disease is so frustrating and reaches well beyond what we think we see & know. My hope is that your daughter works with her therapist and finds different coping mechanisms. For me, when the disease would cycle, I would find myself beyond overwhelmed and angry and at times, stuck. I felt stuck to go and do and stuck on what action to take.
Through great program friends and sponsor, I have been told that when I feel like doing nothing (sad, mad, isolating, etc.) is when I need to do something. Some small thing for me or my program, a reading, a meditation, a meeting, a conversation - something to break the isolation and pattern. It's not easy but when I am able to take action, I always feel better.
When we were in the storm of the chaos and drama, my sponsor always suggested I have a Plan B. She also told me to make plans and not wait for anyone else to 'get well', 'get money together', etc. In situations such as this, my sponsor was my greatest program tool. She helped guide me, calm me and lead me to see things differently than my brain/heart could see for the pain.
Do try to get back to meetings and your program. For me, I have found all the answers I've needed in good times and bad times in the program and the fellowship.
Know that you aren't alone - we're just a post away!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hopefull15, I too am sad that you are having such difficulties, and agree with Iamhere, that at these times of frustration, is when you most need to be attending meetings and working the program. It will help you so much!!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thank you both for the encouragement...and you're right...I've got to figure out a way to get to meetings because I feel like Im starting to obsess over the situation (back to step one I go!)... which only makes things worse
If you can't get out, do the online.....they made a huge difference for me when I was strapped @ home!!! (((Hugs girl)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hopefull, your post sounded like I could've written it. First I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. According to my 16 year old son cutting is very common with girls. When my daughter was about 11 she and a troubled friend of hers decided to pull all their eyelashes out. When I asked her why she told me "I'm stressed." Wow! did I ever blame myself for that one. Living with an alcoholic parent who was incapable of being a father and husband and another who was working all the time and angry at everyone couldn't have been fun for her. I felt so stuck. I couldn't afford to buy food let alone pay for a divorce attorney. I hated when people would say "just leave him." Yeah like it's that simple when you're married with kids, a house and dogs to divide. And like you I couldn't just up and move. The mortgage was in my name since my AH never had a job on the books for very long. But in New Jersey since we were married when we bought the house, it was marital property. Not to mention I loved my husband and didn't want a divorce although at times I didn't know how we could stay together one more day. I just trudged along miserably day after day. I put on a happy face at work but inside I was a mess.
My AH decided to enter recovery after we put our house up for sale back in June. We sold the house and now rent a condo. He is still sober and things are pretty good. I know that could change in an instant. It's always on my mind because just last night I had a dream, well really a nightmare, that AH was drinking again and we were fighting about money. It's just an awful way to live and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will say once I started going to meetings and conversing with others on this forum it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I knew I wasn't alone. Far from it in fact and I knew I wasn't responsible for AH's recovery only my own.
Hang in there and know you are doing the best you can with what you have. (((Hugs)))
Its just really hard because right now we are at war over money...he's 3 weeks into his 4th job in the last year, to make things worse the last two firings were within 3 mos of each other...I joke to myself that this last one was his "regularly scheduled quarterly firing! It's not funny at all but its all I can do to keep from exploding everytime I think about it!
Anyway, Ive been struggling carrying the load financially for the last 4-5 mos and honestly I cant explain how Ive managed thus far except to say that its all God's grace on me and my girls... all my AH can say is "So..I didnt complain when u were off work when u had (insert either of our 2 kids names here) and stayed home". Really!?!?....Now mind u I was off 9 mos with the first kid because my position was eliminated while on maternity leave and I was off with my second kid for 3 yrs by MUTUAL agreement that it was a better financial move than to pay the enormous cost of childcare for 2.kids at the time! ... Neither situation was a blatent move to sit on my rear end and eat bon bons all day as I have worked all my life and loath the idea of not earning my own money...hence I took a part time job at home while at home with baby #2! ( but he conveniently forgets all of those details)...I.say all of that to say I know his comment about me not working earlier in our marriage is pure drunken BS. However my anger now is that we are at the point now where I could say the sky is blue and he'll argue its pink simply because unless he is in his truck at work driving there's pretty much NOT a time when he isnt inebriated or capable of rational thinking! So where does that leave me to discuss serious matters of money and the like? There is literally no way to avoid an argument with this man because he always turns it into one. I'll admit I dont always just shut up and walk away because I am always cut off mid sentence or he'll totally take something I said out of context and then I have to restate it so that Im not accused of saying something later that I didnt say. For example today I told him how much I needed for the bills next week (since he's now on somebody's payroll!.. I didnt say that last part out loud )...and then he proceeds to turn it into an argument about why does be have to give me the money, why cant he pay it himself...I told him I dont CARE who physically makes the payment so long as its paid!!... Then it escalated from that to now " he's not paying anything". So I told him either he pays the bills next week (on time) or the locks will be changed in 2 days ( 2 days is when he gets paid). Now his phone rings mid argument (his uncle) and he answers cursing and loud and talking crazy, walking outside in front of the neighbors (and their kids) and is just a blazin' fool! There's just no winning...I only speak to him when absolutely necessay and even then its fraught with failure....regardless of what tactics Ive learned in Alanon to try. My 14y old can no longer stand him, hasnt spoken to him in weeks and is torn between anger with me because she doesnt understand why I cant just make him leave. I crumbled inside when my 7yr old came to me in the middle of a the yelling and screaming asking " mommy can we move back to our other house without daddy"
Oh.......girl - I'll keep the positive thoughts and prayers headed your way!! Huge (((Hugs))) too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
