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JADE is a concept I struggle with. I have made vast improvements in this area by minding my business and not encroaching on the decisions of my husband and my 2 20-something kids that live with us. This of course is confusing and sometimes infuriating my AH (sober 20+ years but no longer attends mtgs). My AD (newly sober) is taking well to the AA program and my other daughter goes to Al-Anon as well so I think that he feels that it is the 3 of us in recovery vs. him sometimes (and I do too-sometimes)
In the beginning, I suggested he come to a meeting. He has resisted the idea which made me realize that I should stop suggesting as I had my own agenda and only my recovery is "mine".
Yesterday for example he said "Isn't Child A going to (name household chore here)?" So I said I didn't know. I don't know because I am trying to let Child A(an adult!) see for herself whether or not she should do the dishes, her laundry, make a doctor's appointment BY HERSELF, instead of me doing it like I have in the past.
In the past , my AH would state something about one of the children that was annoying him. I would then run to said child and say: Dad is ticked off about this or that and can you cut it out so he doesn't make my life a living hell by harping on it?
I refuse to play this game anymore. If something is upsetting me about someone, I ask myself if it's really valid or if it is just my issue. If I decide that it is valid , I try to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean(difficult but I'm working on it). I have informed AH that I will not be in the middle and that if he has something he needs to say to someone-he should say it. My kids are grasping the concept without explanation as they are working their own programs.
I know I should not feel the need to "explain" why I'm taking this course, especially to someone not in program but this makes him furious and says he feels "abandoned" in the parenting and thinks I should take his "side" as I have done in the past.He says I have just "given up" and I wondering if that's the vibe I am giving off or if that is a"feelings not facts" issue. I now have realized that my children are adults and must take their own path.
Is my need to explain an attempt to control/convince him that I am right? Should I not be worrying about he he feels at all and just deal with his verbal fallout? I'm praying about it but things of this nature keep popping up.
ESH anyone? Thanks for letting me get that all out.
Good morning Thorn, in reading your posting, I can clearly see the dilemma that you are struggling with and understand the need to "explain" your decisions and actions to your husband.
I found that if I was doing something the same way for 20 years, and all of a sudden decided to change because of a new program awareness, it was best to explain, this change to family members . I thought this was important so that they could understand my actions and not keep saying :"But that is not the "way you were".
I was not asking any of them for advice , or leaving my actions up to them to decide, but just giving them the courtesy of an explanation of my new point of view. It is then up to them to accept my change and move forward. If ,they cannot do that, I did not have to change back, but could continue with a clear conscience, acting in my own best interest. I do not see this as controlling I believe it is simply courteous.
It is great that your entire family is pursuing recovery.
Thank you Betty, I like the idea of courtesy way better than "controlling". I know it's hard for him as it is hard for me after so long of telling everyone what to do and when.
I am also trying not to ram my new found methods/discoveries down his throat although I can't help but wish he was more "on board" so that he would feel better too.
But I think that is just me wanting my way...again...still.
As adults, they all need to communicate in your home as adults do, and that includes you as well. I think Betty's right. As long as you don't go back to the triangulation of things where you step in and try to 'control' as you did before, they'll get the picture and maybe even take your lead. When I divorced my XAH recently I was no longer in that home and I wasn't able to step in and control the environment there as I did before. It's been really hard for me to accept that what happens at my XAH's house while my son is there, is none of my business unless there is a personal danger to him. But, in doing so, I have given myself a new step in recovery in learning how to let go of control and turn things over to God even if the consequences aren't very desirable for either my son or even myself.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thorn - Using "I" statements is always very helpful when I try to explain boundaries to my qualifiers. If I throw a "You" in the mix, I can almost see the mind/body/spirit shut down. So, I plan what I am going to say and work very hard to make it an "I" statement and have no issue suggesting that I am learning and I am trying new things for my growth and peace of mind. Then I go forth and explain....
In my home, the minute a "you" pops in, they revolt and believe I am controlling. So, it works better here making it about me, my recovery, my peace of mind and using I statements.
(((Hugs))) - great question and great posts so far!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I heard somewhere that to say something once is telling your truth. To repeat (two times or a hundred times) it is attempting to change someone else's behavior.
