The material presented
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i have posted once before on MIP and regularly hang out and read ESH from lots of the threads which I find invaluable to my own recovery!
Oh gosh I need to share this to get it off my chest! My father and brother who have since passed due to alcohol related illnesses have left such an unhealthy family behind! We lived in pure bedlam and chaos in the family home all our lives!! There was forever fighting and uncontrollable shouting and screaming going on constantly. Whoever was the loudest was heard so competition was fierce! I was the youngest of 6 so felt I never had a voice or wasn't heard! I have since found a recovery program through al anon 12 step program and have been attending weekly for just on 3 years.
The sad thing is my middle sister who in my opinion was so needy and insecure has brought so many of these learnt and unhealthy behaviours into her family and her daughters and son think it's the 'right way' to behaviour by screaming, shouting and using put downs with their own children. I try to minimise my time spent with my sister and nieces and nephew to as little as possible As there is so much chaos and shouting my head feels like it will explode plus in the past I have reacted to her behaviour and gotten myself into many arguments with them!! As it's the Christmas period I went to visit with my 10yr old daughter to drop off gifts to them. My sister wasn't at home so I went to nieces home. She was at home with her hubby, and two sons aged 6 and 3. My other niece(her sister) was also there with her 2 year old daughter. My 6 yr old nephew is very loud and boisterous gets a toy out to play with that his aunt shouts and screams at him he's not allowed to have out! He starts shouting as loud, 'I can, I can!'His mum took it away from him and his aunt laughed out loud in his face! He retaliates by getting another toy he's not allowed at that time. My younger niece (his aunt) jumped up and promptly screamed, shouted and proceeded to grab this toy from him which resulted in a tug of war over this toy! She continued by screaming at him that he's the naughtiest boy she's ever come across, he reacts further by screaming and shouting back at her!! And so the show went on for some minutes. The boys dad was told by the boys mum to take him to his room!! He was gone for about 10 mins or so. In the meantime my niece who was doing all the screaming and shouting carried on ranting and raving about the boys behaviour!! My daughter was shell shocked by all this..I said nothing! I have learnt through al anon not my circus not my monkey although I felt so sad for the boy and disturbed by what I had witnessed!!! the boy came back into the room like nothing had happened, it's obviously the norm for him.
We left shortly after. In the car on the way home my daughter started asking lots of questions about what happened And did I think my niece should have shouted/bawled at him(she has witnessed this behavoir many times but not to that extreme!) the way she did. So I went onto explain The dynamics of my family life growing up and that I thought it was learnt behavious that my sister has passed onto her own children and in opinion they think it's normal to behave that way. I reiterated that I did not agree with her behavior and saw it as totally unacceptabel!! This opened up further discussion and my daughter stated it was hard to know who was the adult and who was the child in that situation!!
on returning home, my daughter started to tell her dad (my a hubby) and he gave me the look and said to me why am I discussing this in front of my daughter! I tell him we have been discussing it in the car and my reason behind this discussion because I want to educate her on what's acceptable and what's not in the drama we witnessed. My older son jumped in and said, 'mum be careful, she might go back and repeat this to the family.'
My daughter has not mentioned it since (a few hours ago) but now I'm feeling pretty guilty and self doubt is kicking in. Should I have had this discussion with her? Should I have told her As much as I did? have i done her more harm than good in this situation?
Throughout my marriage and life I felt I have shoved things under the carpet and tried to keep as much as possible from my children but in this situation I felt it was the right thing to give answers to the questions she was asking, now I'm not sure it I've gone OTT! Any ESH would be greatly appreciated please.
Luv you Paula I wish my Mom had done the same regardless of the unknown outcomes. The young ones need to know the guidelines and boundaries and pitfalls and trails of life and to have family and parents unafraid to read the maps with them. If you told your daughter "What we say here stays here" that would be okay also. Good job!!! ((((hugs))))
Yes, I know exactly how you feel. In AlAnon we learn all about honesty. We work an honest program. You don't have to feel guilty about being honest. Your daughter is 10. She notices. She questions. You have to give her an honest answer. You can also tell her that it is a private conversation that you had with her. And you can tell your hubby the same thing. Your relationship with your daughter is YOUR relationship, not his. He has his own. She was asking you questions about bizarre behavior that she witnessed and you were giving answers that were appropriate to a 10 yr old. If your older son was worried about her "telling" on you, have that conversation with your daughter too.
((Paula))) I agree, you did nothing wrong in answering your child's question regarding the actions that she experience in a relative's home. The responses were truthful, and non-judgmental. You simply stated what you believed and how you felt. --even if the child does go back and repeat what you said, it's not earth shaking.
I had a similar incident at my brother's homemany years ago.My son was astounded at the way my brother talked to and acted with his children. After we left, he asked the same question as your daughter. I responded as you did, and was never any mention of it again.
Like Jerry, I wish someone would have been able to be honest with me about acceptable and unacceptable behavior, actions and reactions many moons ago. It may have resulted in an easier transition into adulthood and life in general. I was raised in a strict home and there was right/wrong. When you got caught doing wrong, you were punished. There were no discussions, no warnings, no discussions - just consequences - often capital punishment!
I'm not saying I didn't deserve punishment at all - I was a wild child. For the record, I tried to be and do different with my boys and since there was a disconnect between my AH & I, they worked both ends against each other and were rebels! So, I do believe since she asked you were well within your rights to discuss what you witnessed with her. If she repeats it, so be it - it is what you witnessed and a great teaching moment.
(((Hugs))) - never doubt teaching moments with your child. I believe it helps them realize the world is full of different people, different behaviors, different actions. Choices, choices, choices...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
