The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Christmas at my mother and father's was interesting. Mom, by the end of our four hour visit, had polished off a half a bottle of wine and was truly out of control. 25 years ago she and her sister, the last of the siblings in the family, gave me my grandmother's wedding diamond, when she pasted away. I was, at the time raising two children by myself, working two jobs and trying to finish my BA degree. I needed a front tooth crowned and my daughter helped me sell the diamond. I did not want to ask for money, as my parents had financially helped me enough through an expense divorce. My grandmother hated the ring and never wore it, she told me she thought it was ugly and a piece of junk and she was right, it was a very poorly made mine cut diamond with a huge scratch on the bottom. I did have appraised, in case I needed to insure it on my home owners policy, and she was right, it was pretty much worthless. My daughter got $150 for it and I did not feel, that the ring was of any emotional value to my grandmother and so not for me either. My mother brought up the subject, for the third time, on Christmas Day, and asked why I wasn't wearing it. I told her, that I would not wear someone else's diamond and that I sold it 25 years ago. I later overheard her telling my daughter-in-law, what I did and that she would like to punch me in the face. I am stunned and hurt, trying to put this in perspective. My granddaughter received, from her father (my son) a beautiful birthstone necklace and my mother, quite loudly, exclaimed in front of everyone, that she better not pawn it!! {{{Sigh}}} Need some feedback. {{{HUGS}}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
(((Debb)) what you encountered is very familiar to me. My mom would hold on to issues for a lifetime and bring them up at every opportunity.
First and most important YOU DID NOTHING WRONG .
Please remember that program has taught us that attempting to make sense out of "insanity" is where we falter.
It is important to remember that we are powerless over others so that placing the focus on yourself and not reacting was a great way to practice program. I feel that you just worked a Step 10 by staying in your own hula hoop, examining your motives,(as you just did) to determine if amends need to be made. Coming here and sharing your hurt was important because that is when it can lift and you can be free.
After a few such incidents, the lesson that I learned was never to accept anything from my family because it always held strings and was not worth the pain I had to endure.
Oh Debb - so very sorry that the words of another have taken your joy......(((Hugs))) to you, and I do understand how cutting those words can be. In my world, my mother is now loosing her memory and is very defensive if we try to help her. She's made some very cutting comments during her stay, and so far, I've been able to just deflect them and pray for her.
In my situation, she (like me, her Daughter) is very strong willed. If I try to tell her how I feel, it's turned around to be my fault. She picked up a drinking habit later in life, just as her father did, after we (the kids) grew up and moved out. She has little/no tolerance for alcohol, yet does drink wine until she's out of control drunk. In her case, her mouth has always been loose after alcohol consumption, so now when you combine that with the aging issues, it's a train-wreck.
I have processed all this and have concluded that she's just not a happy person, and that old saying - Misery loves company - applies big time. While I love her dearly as my mother, there are many, many moments where I just tolerate her because we are blood and I was raised to honor my parents. As with my qualifier(s), I pray about my powerlessness and turn her over to God. I have made amends, I have opened my home, my heart and worked hard to be a good daughter, yet she still throws things from my past in my face and belittles me often. I've decided it's truly about her and not about me. I can not control her, I did not cause this in her and I can not make her happy - no matter what I do or say.
So, back to Step 1 I go - with her in mind. I pray for her as I don't believe she intends to hurt me - she's just not happy. You did nothing wrong and you did not cause this. So - know you are worthy of better, and you are not alone!
Take care girl - sorry about your pain!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Debb)) it seems that ugly diamond has a pretty good use, even though your mom hasn't had it for 25 years: she can still use it to get to you, for whatever reason she may have. Or at least she could if you would let her. Using program you didn't let her get to you. Everyone else in the room knows that the diamond means nothing. You know the diamond means nothing. Soon, the diamond will mean nothing to your mom, because you have taken away its magical power.
