The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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When I started in Al-Anon, I was in a city where there were many step-focused meetings, and most meetings had a few people who had been in Al-Anon for 5+ years (in some cases, 20+ years). When I came back to Al-Anon, I really wanted to come back to that, but...
In the city I am in now, there are a lot of "general discussion" meetings (sometimes using a daily reader, sometimes no literature used at all), and I have yet to find a step meeting. There aren't many people around who have been with the program long-term, and meetings often don't feel very Al-Anon - like people are floundering around without paying much attention to the steps or the program, and it hurts to see them hurting. I try to bring a little of the Al-Anon I know into the room, but... I can't force them to do "Al-Anon the way I think it should be done", nor would it be appropriate for me to exert such control even if I could.
I'm sure there's something to learn from my local meetings too, and I'll keep going, but... I miss meetings where there were long-time members and where it felt like everyone was growing in a program. I feel like there's something I need that I'm not finding...
Maybe I should consider going to some open AA meetings... I don't drink or have a history drinking issues myself, but they are "open meetings" so hopefully that means someone from Al-Anon is allowed, and hearing another program's take on the steps might be nice... does anyone have any tips on etiquette/what to expect/etc. if I do go to an open AA meeting?
-- Edited by atheos on Saturday 26th of December 2015 12:41:23 PM
I have known others in AlAnon who have gone to open AA meetings. But I was told by a very wise woman who had been in AlAnon for 25 years (and in AA for 20 years) that it would be a bad idea to think they work the steps the same. We use the same steps but we use them differently. The definition of alcoholic that is given in their Big Book is selfish and self-centered. The definition of AlAnoners is giving and other-centered. The whole definition of our "diseases" is different. We have to work the steps differently. Think of doing the 4th step and thinking of yourself as selfish when you are really giving. It would make you MORE giving when what we want for ourselves is to take better care of ourselves and to learn how to "let it go and let our HP do it".
We do the same steps, but we do it oppositely.
I also know a man who decided to go to an open AA meeting (men's stag that he thought would be appropriate for him), and he described himself as having PTSD during and after it..... he said they would laugh and joke about the dumb stuff they had done while drunk, and he would flash back to when his son was doing the same thing and it was NOT funny at all to live through it sober. It brought back all the horrible feelings he had worked so hard to work through in AlAnon.
Maybe in your AlAnon meetings you can gently suggest that they do one of the slogans and gradually work them into more of the meeting topics that you are used to. I know what you mean when you talk about people floundering around. I have found that when that happens, generally they are spending time complaining about life or their alcoholic instead of talking about how they are using the program to take care of themselves.
I attend an AA open speaker meeting every week. It helps me better understand the disease and develop more empathy for those who struggle with it. It has helped me to be more compassionate towards my AH. I have not attended any meetings where I need to participate or introduce myself. Just an anonymous face in the crowd.
I hadn't thought about it, but you are exactly right -- walking into a room full of alcoholics, at all different stages of recovery, is probably not the healthiest thing for me to try at this point in my recovery.
There's phone meetings, and online meetings, and this board, and the literature... lots of lifelines to Al-Anon that can supplement what I feel is missing at local face-to-face meetings. I'll keep attending face-to-face as well... maybe eventually even try to start a new, step-focused meeting -- there are probably other people in this city who would like one!
-- Edited by atheos on Saturday 26th of December 2015 01:33:01 PM
I am a double-winner, so have worked the steps from each side. As I see it and how it worked for me is I was selfish and self-centered on each side of the table. Working the steps is working the steps - who I am doesn't change if I am the alcoholic or addicted to trying to control the alcoholic.
I've done step studies for each side as well as cross-overs with others who are double-winners. There is no 'we' vs. 'they' which is what the steps are trying to tear down. Whether you are the alcoholic or the Al-Anon, you are affected/sick from this disease. I tend to shy away from meeting and members who believe they are superior or more healthy than the other - it's counter-productive to my recovery and my growth.
I believe open AA meetings are awesome for anybody who wants to understand the disease, as well as what it was like (before recovery), what happened (to get to and start recovery) and what it's like now (staying sober). Open meetings are for anyone/everyone, and while many of the journeys of an alcoholic show the insanity of the disease, there is no humor surrounding the extreme bottom of most alcoholics. I would not avoid attending one - it's actually recommend around here...if we are to learn and grow, we need to understand the disease and the diseased as best we can.
We have a step forum here - check the top right. Betty (hotrod) posts a new step every couple weeks, just look around for the Al-Anon steps, and join in/us at any time. The best part of the program and recovery is that it is a personal journey. What works for one may or may not work for another. You get to choose your framework for your journey. There is no right/wrong way about it so long as it's centered around you, your joy and your peace. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Bloodshotbetty and Iamhere - great to hear some insights from people who go to both!
I do still kind of like the idea of going to an open AA -- I've been to some places where Al-Anon and AA meet at the same time in different rooms, and had refreshments and smalltalk with the AA members before our respective meetings started... there always seem to be some long-time members there who just have a glow of program/serenity around them and everything they say/do, which is definitely nice to be around! Not sure yet if I'm at a place in my recovery where I can handle some of the things that might be discussed at an open AA meeting... I like the idea of a speaker meeting, so I can sit near the back and sneak out if it gets to be too much!
And thanks for mentioning the step forum -- that looks GREAT!
atheos - I had not thought about differences between groups, cities, etc. In my world, open meetings are ALWAYS Speaker Meetings. We don't offer OPEN Topic Meetings (AA or Al-Anon). I can't speak for other cities, so when I spoke of my experience with Open AA meetings, there were speakers. And your idea to sit in the back is spot on. Although, in my experience, you can come late, leave early, sit in front or back and nobody would judge - it's the same 12 Traditions as Al-Anon also - so principals before personalities, anonymity, etc.
I was willing to go to any length to try and cure my qualifiers, I deserve to go to any length to have my peaceful, joyful journey! So - many things that would cause me anxiety before arriving here are now considered a challenge in my mind. The program has given me choices in how I view people, places, things and how I approach them too!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I would and have started my own Alanon Step meeting when I could not find one in town. It is not hard to do -WSO and Inter group will help. My meeting is still going strong Good luck.
