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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Cruel "friend" who gives me advice on how to live my life. Is it abuse?
Post Info TOPIC: Cruel "friend" who gives me advice on how to live my life. Is it abuse?
annief


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Cruel "friend" who gives me advice on how to live my life. Is it abuse?
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Hi, this is my first post here.  Thanks so much for listening (reading).  I have been in Al-Anon for a little over four years and it's done wonderful things for me. My primary qualifier is my ex (thank God!) AH.  I have just recently decided to wade into dating again, for reasons that I am really not sure of at the moment.  I feel really dejected about it.   It's a really crappy process.  I was texting with a friend of mine about it the other day.  She is an ACOA, but hasn't been in the program for years.  She is BIG on giving advice.  When I told her about my latest date, she told me that the way I am going about it -- my way -- is all wrong.  That my way is why I am not having any success.  And she really hopes that if I decide to continue dating that I will try to do it a different way (her way, of course).  Then, when I told her I felt really shitty (because of what she said -- but I didn't tell her that), she told me I am a great person and have a great kid, etc.  It's like she had accomplished what she wanted to, by chopping me down, so she could be nice to me again.  Also, she's always asking ridiculously intrusive questions about my life, which seem aimed at trying to figure out my darkest problems and failings.

Why do I even let toxic people like this in my life?  I know -- in my heart -- that she is doing this because she has some real unhappiness and thus a need to make other people unhappy.  I guess I don't see abuse when it comes from a friend and not a partner, but I expect it's the same pattern.  I am not sure that I can get her out of my life entirely, but I think the best thing would be setting some sort of boundaries.  I am just not even sure where to begin.

Thanks for letting me share and for any similar experiences you have to share with me.



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Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP annief - glad you found us and glad you posted.

These types of situations are far from fun. As I worked the steps with my sponsor, I came to realize that my picker was broken. This realization was not just in intimate relationships but also other relationships. I always tended to align myself with toxic folks, unintentionally, and a part of it was that saying, "misery loves company."

This program has given me tools to weed out most of the toxic folks and set boundaries for those I can't shake (family, extended family, in-laws, etc.). My best resource for setting boundaries has been my sponsor. She is able to help me keep them 'real' and about me. The good news is when we start to be annoyed by behaviors we found previously acceptable, we are growing and changing and finding ourselves in our recovery. So, as painful as this is and/or annoying, the gift is you realize you don't want to tolerate this 'help' any more.

Dive into your program and the steps with both feet and a sponsor and you will find your truth and get to the other side. Keep coming back here too - you are not alone!!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
annief


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Thank you so very much, Iamhere!  Several years ago, I met a friend of mine from college and his boss happened to be with him.  I got to talking to the boss, who was an absolute kick.  He used the phrase "my picker was broken", too!  I had forgotten it until you used it.  What a great phrase.  Obviously, mine still is in so many ways.  Yes, I need a sponsor to help me get on track.  I had one before I moved and I need one again.  Thanks for the encouragement.  I know I'll get there.  It's so great to know that I'm not alone.



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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Anne welcome I have learned that giving my power away to others by asking for advise or venting, I am practicing my alanon disease. Going to an alanon meeting, sharing with an alanon member or a sponsor is constructive. They have and use program tools to direct me into looking at myself, my motives, feelings, actions before then they attempt to suggest a program tool I can use to change myself.


We arei ndeed powerless over others.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Bloodshotbetty


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I am having a similar issue with a friend. She doesn't respect the boundaries I set, she badmouths my AH, shames me for my decisions, and ignores me when I do something she disagrees with someone. It has been very hard, and I am learning what I can and cannot share with her.

I actually posted about this a couple of days ago. People had some great insight and shared their experiences as well.

alanon.activeboard.com/t61371201/friend-not-respecting-the-boundaries-i-set/

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maryjane


~*Service Worker*~

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With my hubby and some of my friends (that are in EVERYONE"S business- not just mine) I had to sit down and think about what topics I could talk to them about. Weather is okay. Movies and books are okay. Vacations and travel are okay. And I find that when I start to complain about anything, the conversation starts to go sour. Then I had to remember another AlAnon slogan, "don't explain, don't complain". Keep the conversation light and happy. My mood is better when I do that too.

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maryjane
annief


Newbie

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Thank you hotrod, bloodshot betty, and maryjane! I need all of this. I go to a regular weekly meeting that I love, love, love, and it's not enough sometimes. My biggest issue -- right now -- is letting people get to me in oh so many ways. And you are so right! I need to stop giving them the ways to do that. I need to stop venting, explaining, complaining. I need to focus on me, rather than getting angry at them (which just adds to my pile of anger). I need to remember that I am powerless over others. I need to detach. These are all things I know I need to work on, but then I forget and I spiral. Ah, what a journey. Thank you!

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Cruel "friend" who gives me advice on how to live my life. Is it abuse?