Enabling is a natural tendency in most human beings. We are created loving and enabling mostly comes from being loving. With detachment I learned how to continue to be loving without helping the disease and its dysfunction to grow. Learning that a consequence of my "being loving" did indeed cause the dysfunction to grow was rocket science after I learned there was such a thing as enabling and co-dependency. Learning about boundaries and how to set them in line with my morals and expectations and value system was one of the best series of lessons I got and it all started with me and not them. Self evaluation and inventory let me understand myself and what worked best in me and for me and then of course the constant practice, practice, practice of new behaviors, thoughts and emotions. Face to Face Al-Anon Family Group meetings for me are the very best places to learn what I needed to learn in how to change. If you are now not a member of the fellowship I suggest you look up the title Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and then call to see where we get together in your area. You can use the internet to get information also as the program is planet wide. MIP, Miracles in Progress where you are at now is huge also as this family, mostly Al-Anon members too is very very supportive of healing and passes on the Experience, Strength and Hope to create healing. There are meetings here twice daily also. I'm glad you showed up and will support your recovery. ((((hugs))))

release_me -

Welcome to MIP - glad you are here and glad you shared.

My definition of 'love' was skewed and needed a revamping when I arrived at this program. I unintentionally, without malice took 'hostages' instead of loving another. I wanted them to be ok - based on my definition of ok. I truly never stopped to consider that my way may not be right for them or another. I also did all that I could to fix their mistakes, and delayed their bottom as well as protected them often from the natural consequences of their choices/actions.

Al-Anon has taught me to put me first, build healthy boundaries and detach with love - and one very important step for me was to not do for others what they could or should do for themselves. All of these actions/steps took effort and hard work, but I learned more about this disease and also realized that I can't change another person, fix them, control this disease or impose a cure. All I can do is work on me and protect me from the insanity of the disease, using the program, steps, tools, slogans, etc.

I too, like Jerry, learned how to do and be different by joining Al-Anon, going to meetings, working with a sponsor and being open-minded to what was suggested. This program has helped me react different and use different/new ways to cope with this disease and my qualifiers. It has taken me from sadness, isolation, despair and extreme anxiety and shown me how to stay in the now, and trust a power greater than myself.

See if you can find local meetings, and go to a few. I have never left a meeting feeling worse than when I arrived - which is what keeps me going back.

Keep coming back - you are not alone!!