The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
being a recovering panic disorder person and on my own,has led me to alot of fear but yesterday i took the bus 1/2 mile to a big lots,bought too much and managed to walk all the way home. 1 month ago,would have not tried it alone.....
more concern to me today is that an old boyfriend has come back into my life and is helping me[ shop for a tv,listening to me encoraging me, taking me out for a meal]
im worried, i dont want to fall into a trap.is it ok to accept his help? is he doing it for another reason like to benefit himself? or is he just the sweet lonely guy i left 24 yrs ago?
what if i want to kiss him? should i just go wih fun or feelings or???
Glad you are branching out and finding new courage!
My concern about possible boyfriends, either old or new, is that I'm not always wary of red flags. People can "buy" my affections with help or caring before I have figured out whether they're emotionally healthy. Some of the questions I've learned to ask along the way are: Is this person a heavy drinker or partyer? Does he have other signs of addictions or compulsive behavior? (Always being broke, being unreliable, dishonesty, indulging in compulsive habits.) Is he trying to make the relationship happen really fast? Can he admit to past mistakes and does it seem as if he's really grown from those experiences? Can he take the relationship slow and be cautious? Does he have a past history of healthy or unhealthy relationships? Are the past problems "all the other person's fault," in his view? Does he criticize me? Does he have an angry attitude toward life? Is he a really functional guy who's on top of things? Does he have good relationships with other people, family, exes? Is he manipulative? Etc.
In general, taking it very slow has always turned out much better for me.
The program asks us to learn from our past and not concern ourselves with the future. What this tells me is that I need to have an open mind and an open heart, and listen for those small warnings that come from within. I do not analyze every element of a new person or a renewed relationship under the pretense of supposition. I just refuse to be held hostage to 'what ifs' and any leftovers from this disease. The way I view life - if I can survive what I've been through with this disease and my qualifiers, and feel adequately armed with my program tools, I can take risks, explore new relationships and/or explore relationships that came/went. For me, life is too short to judge and question everyone I know/encounter under the guise of this disease and their motives.
I am a forward person and have no issue today saying exactly what I am thinking/feeling. I have no issue telling folks that I've had a rough decade of heartache and drama, and am looking for low-key, drama-free living. Use your program tools, and say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean? There's no harm in asking what you asked here? Why are you helping me? There's nothing wrong with suggesting you don't have the room/energy for heart-ache, head-ache, other. Kissing someone doesn't mean marriage or living together....follow your heart and use your sponsor and tools to enjoy this phase/chapter of your life!
Most importantly, take one day at a time, one moment at a time - and take care of you! Congrats. on your field trip - I love Big Lots - they have a ton of cool things, esp. if you are setting up a new home!!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Alyce - I am so happy to hear that you are proud of yourself! You should be. When I read back and think about your posts here, I see tons of growth, commitment to program and a desire for joy and peace. Putting one foot in front of the other each day gives us the momentum to keep moving forward, placing distance between 'then' and now. Keep taking care of you and enjoy each new experience. You're a miracle in progress and I am one who believes in and looks for small miracles each day! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
