The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've posted a few times before, and I am beginning to understand how this works and why it works. I've been to 3 meetings. My entire life I've focused on worrying about (ie: controlling) other people. Finding out that I don't have to do that anymore is such a gift. It isn't easy -- being one way for 47 years and then suddenly not doing that anymore...is well..impossible - but I am trying everyday to focus on the present moment and be there in each moment and giving the things I can't control to God. And I'm making progress. I'm happier than I have been in so long, because I am learning to not live in the past or the future - those were the only places I ever lived before. Seeing the happiness and joy in the ladies of the meetings that I attend -- I can't tell express what an inspiration that is. I know its going to be a long journey, but I am not dreading it - I'm excited about it -- because I want the joy that they have, and if I just keep showing up, read my books, and remind myself to give things to God and stay in the present moment, I know that one day I can get there too. Merry Christmas.
Thank you. I have it in my mind - I'm sure my heart will falter here and there - hopefully not everywhere! Just to say in case it might help someone else -- I've lost myself totally these last few years. I was so focused on fixing and worrying that I fell to the last position on my list. Little things - the other day I noticed that I hadn't done my nails in forever. That might sound silly, but it would've never happened before - it always made me feel good to do that. I've let myself go. I used to love to cook..to read...other things. They faded away as my life focused on fixing my AH. Making things be the way they should be. Or even appear to be. I can make a good story up in my head and convince myself its true???!!!! I'm pretty sure if they gave out medals in denial I could win a medal. No more. I can't control him. No one needs to convince me of that anymore trust me. But I can get ME back. I alone can do that. And now I have a roadmap. Grateful. Very grateful. Like most I'm sure - I'm pretty good at following directions. :)
Great share Shelly and great awareness. I agree - I believe you've embraced the gifts we get and the joy we seek. I totally relate to 'let myself go' and 'bottom of the list'. I was there and it was a pattern/habit long in the making. The awareness of what I contributed to the disease, the qualifier(s) and the drama and chaos were both frightening and freeing at the same time.
Accepting that I can only change me one moment at a time, one step at a time and one day at a time truly helped me feel small amounts of confidence again. Slow and deliberate steps to change me gave me more. Each day, I feel I am given the choice to be free or to be caged in the disease. I try to choose the freedom and work to be the best version of me I can be.
Keep doing what you are doing and keep coming back......glad you are here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
