The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
From day one I was always far more there for the A than he ever was for me. He only had to hint at financial difficulty and I stepped in. I prided myself on that he did not need to ask. He needed new clothes I bought them for him. I liked to try to anticipate his needs.
These days I work on anticipating my own needs and my own goals and my own issues. In some ways it is such a relief because when I was hovering around him trying to make his needs paramount I neglected my own. I think that is the ultimate paradox I could do so much for everyone else and so so little for myself.
I am so happy to be here and working on myself and my issues and starting to work on what I need. I started working and I was certain that I would not be able to get counselling in the evenings. I asked and I have it starting in a few weeks. I do not know how long I will be able to continue with the counsellor I am working with (the maximum is a year) but I know it helps.
I agree with you, I spent so much time, energy, money and resources trying to "help" my a that I had nothing left over to help myself. From the beginning of our relationship it was the same thing. I found free furniture for him, he moved in shortly after that and we got pregnant. I bought him, clothes, contact, shoes, then he began to feel entitled to use my credit card, because he was going to make payments on it. HA HA fat chance!! He began taking my cards with out my permission and charging up clothes, shoes, whatever he wanted. It got so that if I said sorry we don't have it, he would pitch a fit just like a child. I always felt guilty always. His whining, "well, i don't have the money for this or that and I need it for work or whatever." I feel like this program is helping me get it, get that I took on everything for him that he can finally start doing himself, if he chooses. I have more energy in the night, to exercise, read, color my hair, take a bath whatever I want. Most nights now I don't really even watch television unless its something I'm truly interested in. I read, or talk to my friends and family on the phone. My peace is not total yet. I still get anxiety butterflies, but slowly I'm coming back home to me.
Maybe someday I'll look at this experience of living with alcoholism and be thankful that it pushed me out of the shell I was living in. It's great that you are recognizing your patterns. You are really doing good work on yourself and inspiring other's in the process.
Hugs to you!
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
All my independence and focus on me soon went out the window when I met the A. Pretty soon I was absolutely over invested in him. There are many many ways I did that and I know some of the cues that were there for me. I also know that I was very very invested in becoming a "we" way too quickly. Now I am more interested in becoming an "I". What a paradox. Of course I have a long way to go to get to an "I" but I am willing to ask for help and now have a sponsor and a therapist which I did not have when I got here 3 months ago. Now I just need a regular job, an income, health, dental work, recovery partners, a social life and more. I will work on that as hard as I can not to be as dependent on him anymore.
