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Sorry, I think this is going to be long, but so much has gone on in the last 48 hours or so, I need to get it all out...
Bound and determined to not fall into the helplessness and tears of last Christmas, I've prepared myself better this year.
My kids - 15, 12, and 10 - are all quite aware of their dad's drinking and abuse of alcohol. I talk to them about what isn't in our control and help them deal with their frustration over the situation. I've been going to meetings when I can, but more importantly am embracing the AlAnon path and way of thinking. Huge for me, after "dabbling" in my own recovery program for 3.5 years, I asked someone the other day to be my sponsor and she accepted!
I get easily fooled because my husband's alcoholism has been downplayed or taken a back seat to some really severe PTSD. Not just downplayed by him, but by numerous therapists, plus friends and family members. I myself feel so horrible for the trauma that he endured as a child, that I have ignored much of the alcohol misuse through the years. And then when you get some several weeks or months at a time where he's not drinking, or when he's going to AA, "just because", I feel really hopeful.
Not sure what exactly, but something set him off in the last few days and he's been essentially checked out for over 48 hours. Waking up to use the bathroom and then I think make a liquor store run as soon as I leave the house for anything. He's not up drinking, he's getting up, slams as much as he can before anyone sees him, then lays back down. Hasn't even changed clothes in days.
We were invited to good friends' home Monday night - he was not capable of standing, let alone going over there. My program got me to get ready with the kids and go over there anyway (a year ago, I would have cancelled for all of us), and the kids and I really enjoyed ourselves. He kept saying he was "just really exhausted" but I did see him on the floor of his closet sipping down mini bottles that he was stashing with my Christmas present. When I got home, he followed me around the house asking why I don't want to sit and talk with him - I said I'm super happy to talk with him when he's sober.
Yesterday morning in a moment of lucidity - certainly not sobriety though - I reminded him that we have our annual tradition of going to a Christmas play. I told him how much we were looking forward to it and that the kids and I really hoped he would be joining us. I also said that it was extremely unsettling to the kids and me if he partakes in family events drunk and that if he would be drinking, we would be going to the play without him. Not much response from him about that, and I left for an Alanon meeting.
During my meeting and driving to/ from I thought a lot about the boundaries I'm learning to set, and how now that the kids are a bit older and so much more aware, I'm even MORE on the line to set and keep healthy boundaries - to protect them as it's always been, but also to set good example for them because they're going to be dealing with this stuff themselves. Driving home, my 12-year old son texted me at like 10 in the morning to say that dad left and came back with beer (that means beer for drinking out in the open, stronger stuff for slamming when nobody's looking). He texted a bit later to say "I think Dad is really drunk".
When I came home, I got the all-too familiar scene of my husband, sitting/ laying on the bed, same clothes still, looking at me with blurry, red, confused eyes and dried saliva accumulated in the corners of his lips and a deeply slurred "hey what's up babe". I had the familiar feeling of wanting to throw up. And then courage and resolve came to me that I have only read about. I told him that this was a very unhealthy environment for me and the kids, that it's unsettling to them and me and that I'm not going to allow them to be witness to that. I asked him to leave - to drink more or to sober up, but not be around us in that state. I told him that if he didn't feel safe to drive, I would take him to a hotel or a friend's house. He really didn't respond except with a sort of "oh, I see how it is" remark. Put his head back and "fell asleep" again. He basically said he wasn't going, used some expletives with me, and I said that the kids and I would be leaving then and I hoped it wasn't for long.
And we did. Holy crap. I can't believe that now. We packed up some food, a bunch of clothes. They kept asking how many days' worth and I couldn't answer. They asked if we're spending Christmas Eve in a hotel, or Christmas Day.... I said we're not thinking that far ahead, but go ahead and bring a couple of Christmassy things just in case. The kids did well, I did well. I wrote him a note for when he comes to. Told him the kids and I love him, that we're not abandoning him and that we'll support him in any way needed related to his recovery but we need to be in a healthy environment. I went to say good bye to him and kiss him. He just said "you're leaving me".
A close friend of his has been calling him for days and he won't answer. His brother who doesn't live close but is close in relationship keeps calling. He sent me one text after we left with a clever rebellious line from a song and I haven't heard from him since. That's been about 18 hours. I've never gone this long without hearing from him. His good friend and another buddy from long ago with over 20 years of recovery are going over there this morning to check on him/ talk to him/ get him to a better place. I'm grateful for them. Just a bit ago, I woke up crying , thinking that without hearing from him, something terrible surely has happened. And then I realized that no matter the outcome, it's going to be intense. Either rehab, hospitalization, or it's too late altogether.
I think they're headed over there to see him now. I welcome any prayers.
(((Mermaid)) I do so understand where you are and know that this is indeed a dreadful disease.
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way for you and the entire family.
I'm sorry for what you and your kids are going through right now but also sorry for your husband. This is a very difficult time of the year. Many people reminisce about childhood holidays. It sounds like your husband's may have been very painful. He's lucky to have so many people who are loving and supportive of him including you and his own children. I understand your frustration with this superceding life in the present and his medicating the wound. I applaud you for choosing to do what's in your power to give yourself and your children a healthy and happy holiday. He knows you aren't abandoning him because there's been texting between you. Arranging for someone to visit with him from AA is likely the best gift you could have given him and your family. Here's hoping it's a catalyst for becoming willing with his hp's guidance. You and your family are in my prayers. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Prayers to you and your family Mermaid. I can so relate to all you wrote. I have lived it as well. My AH is currently sober. He went to rehab in June and came out a different person with the help of AA. There is always hope. You sound like you have a good handle on the situation, whereas I did not. But I did the best I could with what I had. (((HUGS)))
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hear a woman who has the courage to change the things she can, and the serenity to accept the things she can't. You are right, this will be hard, I'm glad you are going to meetings, you are definitely applying what you have learned. You have my admiration, and my prayers.
I too am sorry for your pain and circumstances. What came to mind for me as I read this is courage - courage to change the things we can.....you saw what you could not change, but took charge of what you could and may the new surroundings, even if temporary and scary, give you respite from the chaos and drama of this disease one moment at a time.
Stay tuned into yourself and your kids. Let others work with your AH. If he wants recovery, it sounds as if there is some awesome support for him. That's great news and a break for you and your children.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone - we are just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
