The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have asked many people in my life to not speak negatively of my ex husband and not to offer advice. I have a friend who refuses to do that, saying I need reminders of how terrible things were so I don't go back. I told her it is not helpful in my forgiveness work and dealing with my resentments. I told her these are things I talk about with my Al-Anon sponsor and my therapist. She continued to go on and I said again...please respect the boundaries I have set.
I dropped the conversation. It's just hard- it takes A LOT for me to set these boundaries and to learn WHO to talk to about certain things (IE, my recovery, his recovery, etc.). I understand that this is not about me, it is about her. She has a history of being in other peoples business and deflecting questions about herself. She is doing the best she can with the tools she has. And so am I. It's just frustrating and hurtful.
I find that I have to set boundaries precisely because people won't do what I have asked or would wish. I've found it useful to think of a boundary as "If he/she does X, then I will __________", rather than "He/she is not supposed to do X." Because they will do X. That's why I need the boundary!
I wonder if you can find a way to end your exposure to the behavior when your friends starts it up again. I mean by changing the subject, leaving, etc. Or maybe not seeing the friend much. I do find that sometimes I just have to limit my exposure to the person as a whole. I am so admiring that you told the person what you want, though. That is something I'm still struggling to do.
I have a few friends who mean well but pry. It got better when I stop talking about my issues with/around them. When I spend time with them, I am vague about off-limit subjects, just answering fine or OK or better. One or two word answers often work to change up the conversation.
It is frustrating for sure. When I thought about it, I did realize that part of the 'problem' was me - I talked to just about anyone who would listen before Al-Anon and have had to retrain them by changing my style.
Those that are/were super judgmental have become distant friends for me. I decided that life is too short and I'd rather have a few folks I can be authentic with than many where I have to wear a mask.
You'll figure it out! Hang in there and keep doing 'you' and all of these things tend to work out in God's time.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I find i just talk to and hang around with supportive
Caring People. I can get too hurt especially while i am
In recovery. It only sets me back if i feel hurt or Judged.
You know who your supporters are.
I still have some people i still need to deal with then i set
Very firm boundaries or really do not talk to them unless
Really Needed. Self protection is my new manta.
Change and growing is hard enough, glad you have a
Good sponsor and therapist. Friends get tired of hearing
And listening after awhile.
I did not seek my mothers Support she just wanted to
tear xah down and i did not Want to hear it. I told her
i would not discuss the Divorce and didn't. She was
trying to run my life Too. Oh no you don't, she does not
Think boundaries apply to her. I have to be very firm
With her. She does not like alanon:)
I definitely struggle with blabbing my problems to everyone and anyone. I am working on that because that is what is inviting this judgment and unsolicited advice.
I do the same thing Betty. You are not alone! Then when they say something I don't want to hear like "just leave him" (like it's that easy) I would start fuming. I have a habit of complaining a lot because I think I need validation for living through 18 years with an AH. I have only a couple friends I can count on not to pass judgment and just be supportive of whatever I choose to do at the moment. (((HUGS)))
Keep doing your part with the boundaries. Feel good that you're aware of a problem, acknowledge it and then work on improving it. With consistency, boundaries can become firmer. It takes time to retrain the people in our lives that have become accustomed to our old patterns of behavior. As we change, people around us change.
I love this from prior post- IAMHERE
It is frustrating for sure. When I thought about it, I did realize that part of the 'problem' was me - I talked to just about anyone who would listen before Al-Anon and have had to retrain them by changing my style.
"I do the same thing Betty, and from Rose.. "You are not alone! Then when they say something I don't want to hear like "just leave him" (like it's that easy) I would start fuming. I have a habit of complaining a lot because I think I need validation for living through 18 years with an AH. I have only a couple friends I can count on not to pass judgment and just be supportive of whatever I choose to do at the moment. (((HUGS))) " is pure and simple recovery for me and the others just as appropriate. I love the keep it simple work as I can confuse myself very easily. Mahalo Yankee Rose and MIP family. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 22nd of December 2015 12:15:45 PM
I think part of the issue is that this girl knew my xAH BEFORE we met. They go way back. She is very angry with him about his behavior (rightfully so) but is FIXATED on him. We will be talking about something completely unrelated and she will find a way to bring up how xAH messed up and did something terrible to me. She believes that I need to be reminded of these things so I don't fall back into old habits and go back to him. I don't need those reminders. I KNOW what he did. And I am working on taking the focus off of him.
ughhhh. No more talking to her. Fortunately she lives 1200 miles away and our only interaction is through facebook :)
Thanks Jerry F I am learning slowly but surely! lol I'm trying to keep my mouth shut in certain situations and will be put to the test during the holidays I'm almost positive!
Betty-- so you can choose if you want to respond to her or not on FB. if she asks why you haven't been commenting or replying to her private messages I would just say sorry I've been super busy! She may be like this because you know the old saying, misery loves company.
Betty - I have gotten more direct when necessary, using the Al-Anon principals - statements such as, "This is about me and my life." and "He's going to do what he's going to do and I'm working on me." are often powerful enough to make the other person pause. My standard answer for prying friends when asked what I am going to do is, "I am processing." When they hear this over and over and over again for a period of time, they get bored and/or stop asking.
Of course, I did examine my relationships during my step work and some of those who were lopsided one way or the other (me giving too much or them) often appeared unhealthier than others. You can choose who you continue with in your circle of influence. This might end up being a friend who moves to the outer peripheral vs. the inner circle.
This, for me, is where the program was so helpful. I need to be around those who bring out the best in me and not the worst in me. I had a couple friends and when we got together, it was just a complaint session. Just problems, and accusations and blaming and whining - never any solutions. In working this program, I came to realize these were not healthy for me in my recovery and desire to find peace and joy.
Keep doing what you are doing and blessings come. Between recovery, meetings, service work and stepping outside my comfort zone, I've got healthier friendships than I had before! I consider that a blessing of the program. (Just one...of many)!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Rosanne - I have the best sponsor in the world. She's so calm and level-headed. She has armed me with so many calm direct responses that are very effective. We all have 'those' people in our lives who are the way they are and we just allow them.....so - having a new/different way to cause a pause has been a gift!
Use them any way you need to - they've saved my sanity many a time when/as needed!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I to like those statements iamhere as even though I am not one to blab much to really anyone I have a few friends whom like to pry. It really does irritate me and I feel it is extremely rude of them. I have decided with a few whom pry that I am going to simply say I don't know and if you want more information then perhaps I can give you AD phone number and you can inquire with her if you want. I cannot fathom asking people some of the personal questions I get asked. I just kind of figure if people want me to know their personal business they will tell me, if they don't then its none of my business and frankly I really don't need or want to know a lot anymore about what usually boils down to drama.
Part of my boundaries that I practice is choosing who I hang out with, who I talk to, who I call friend. Detachment with love can apply to anyone, and sometimes it ends up being someone I used to think of as a 'friend' when I was deep in my own disease of distorted thinking and drama making and controlling. It took a lot of time and a lot of work to get where I am now, and I guard my serenity with the new eyes Al-Anon provided for me. I always think of the phrase "bad associations spoil useful habits". I know now how true that is, I feel better and see how much easier it is to work my program when I am around positive upbeat people who have also learned how to live healthy lives.
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
