The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In a box in the closet - a luxurious pair of leather gloves, some pepper jelly for my stocking, and bunch of mini bottles of vodka. That's just what he hasn't had time to stash in the trash I'm sure, and he's drinking beer all day long out in the open.
I know Christmas is a trigger for him - it is for most people I know! I vowed after spending last Christmas evening at an AA meeting because I couldn't find an Al-Anon face to face that I wouldn't have another one like that. I have kids who love the season (15, 12, and 10 years old) and last year they were oblivious but this year they all ask me things like "can't you just ask him to quit drinking, mom?" "Mom, don't we deserve to be happy?" "I want to have friends over to go caroling but what if Dad is drunk?" I talk to them all about the three Cs and that we learn to make/ find our own happiness, but I'm so angry that I even have to have those conversations.
Unlike other times, I'm going ahead with plans even if he's too drunk to participate. It's actually much more peaceful without him. Went to some friends' for dinner last night with the kids, confided a bit to a woman who's becoming a great friend to me. When I came home, I just let him be - he kept trying to lure me into a discussion of some sorts and "why won't you talk to me". I said I'm happy to talk when he's sober. I'm getting better at detachment but he sure tries to chase me down when I detach - following me all through the house.
We have tix tonight to a Christmas play - kind of an annual tradition. I'm doubtful that he'll join us. He doesn't know what day it is, has committed to help me with last minute errands and shopping since I still have to work this week, but I'm letting go of expectations that I'll get anything out of him. Trying to let go of resentment, but it's pretty hard sometimes.
I have some contingency plans in place for Christmas and just trying to enjoy the season without him. It's a lot easier now that the kids know more and I'm not rushing around trying to hide stuff from them. Still it sucks.
(((mermaid)) - thanks so much for your post. It's a great reminder of how we can work to take care of ourselves, no matter what the qualifier is or is not doing. It's not always easy, but I do see you have great alternatives in place to make it as wonderful as possible.
Keep doing what you're doing - love how you explain and use the program principals with your children. You're doing fabulous - happy, happy holidays!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
