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Long story made short, I moved myself and our two preteen daughters out of our home last weekend because of AH and all the arguing when he drinks. We have been married 15 years and I am extremely codependent which allowed him to treat me like a doormat and a possession. He could always do whatever it was he wanted and talk to me however he felt and treat me however he thought he needed to. He cheated 3 times over the past 15 years and this past year I found myself in an affair with a close friend of ours that has been in AA for 8 years and has peace and happiness in his life. I was wrong...bad wrong. I am the bad guy and i get it, but I admitted to my horrible transgression 8 months ago and life went spiraling out of control. Went to counseling, argued all day every day at first, then things began to get a little better, that was until last month the AP's divorce was final so we were told and the rumor mill in our town got stirred up again and our life went deeper in a hole than it was before. My husband's drinking got worse and worse and the drunken belittling episodes that I had endured the past 6 months before got a whole lot worse. Our kids have been neglected in my opinion because he rants and rants and rants and belittles and reminds me of what I did and how it was ok for him to do cause that's just what men do, and I felt like I deserved it and had to listen to it. Until too much became too much and the straw broke the camels back and i had finally had enough. I found a house across town and moved my children and myself out. We have been so happy and had so much peace in our lives that it is unbelievable! last night my AH had a very bad night, calling over and over and over and texting drunk and doing the same routine over the phone that was in part why we moved out. Even sent a text he had of a conversation between myself and ex-AP from last year to my dad to try and show him what a bad person i am and why he acts like he does. But my dad told him that he needed to leave me and our marriage out of it and get himself help for himself first and our girls second and then if things stayed ok for a long time they might work out to where we can move back home. My AH asked a close friend of ours that is a dr. here to admit him to the hospital today so he can dry out. I am scared that he will just dry out and nothing more and never find the peace he will need to succeed at being sober. He thinks he can just go to the hospital, dry out and do it alone. He is scared deep down that i will leave him for my ex-AP and says he is drying out for himself and the girls and not me but please promise me you aren't ever going to leave me for him. That right there ladies and gentlemen tells me he isn't in this 100% for himself to be sober and find the peace and fulfillment he will need to remain sober. He's doing it as an attempt to get me to move back home. yes, i have emasculated my husband and I will forever be heartbroken for what I did to someone that I promised to love, honor and cherish forever. and I did it with a close friend of ours. But I have put that behind me and AH is having trouble doing that and now I fear that just drying out wont do much good. What are the success rates with just admitting yourself to a regular hospital to dry out and then try to stay sober???? Especially right here at christmas! and yes his mother and all her sisters and family hates me right now and have turned their backs on me because they are in denial that their precious boy never does anything wrong and he just has a few drinks to calm his nerves every night but everybody fights. NOT EVERY NIGHT FOR HOURS AND HOURS where there are so many words flying that our preteen girls do not need to hear their mom being called or talked to like he does. And, i accept the fact that they may never wake up to helping save him and continue to enable him and it will forever be all my fault. I have to live with that, but my children are what matters right now and their emotional well being and their daddy's sobriety! Any suggestions on what I need to do for him during this time and how to handle all this.
Hi Savannah I hear your concerns and would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and begin to attend.
Alcoholism is chronic , progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. Living with the disease is painful and we develop many negative coping tools to survive. These tools are destructive to our self esteem, so that we need a program of recovery of our own.
Regardless of whether your hubby stays in recovery or not -you can attend alanon and help yourself. Here you will learn that you are powerless over people, places and things and that you did not cause his alcoholism cannot cure it nor control it.
Meetings can be found by calling the hotline number listed in the white pages.
I believe Al-Anon would suggest that the question is, what do you need to do for yourself? It sounds like you have already done a lot, by getting yourself and your girls to a better location. Can you do more in that vein?
No one can know what will be the result of his hospital stay. That is only up to him and his HP.
I'm sorry to be blunt. I hear how stressful this is. Al-Anon people would understand. It sounds like this is not the Christmas you hoped for, but can you make it a different Christmas for you and your girls? Face to face meetings would be a great refuge ... In urban areas you can probably find one even on the holiday, but if not, there are online and telephone meetings available.
Even just repeating some slogans can help: One Day At A Time ... Keep It Simple. Also, Be Gentle With Yourself.
You do not need to anything for him at this time. He is capable of doing what he needs to do for himself if and when he is ready to get sober. In the meantime there is lots that you can do for yourself and your kids. I would encourage Alateen for the girls and Alanon for yourself as a good first step. Remember you are not responsible for any one else's choice and behaviour. I understand that you feel you made a bad choice with having an affair but that did not make him drink more or less. Focus on yourself and your girls and let him focus on his outcome. When I try to "help" or fix the situation with my AD nothing changes except my frustration grows when I don get the result I want. You are safe for the present time, you have a home with your girls free from substance abuse and fighting. For today that is enough.
Thank you all so much for your encouragement and wisdom! I have found an alanon group in a town about 30 minutes from where we live. It will be very difficult for me to make those meetings on thursday nights with the girls schedules, but I do intend to give it my best shot for our sakes! We had an alanon group in my town that used to meet years ago that i went to and I know all of the women there very well and if I can't make face to face meetings then I do know I can call on any one of these ladies here for guidance and support. It may be his home town, but this is also my home now too and my children's home town where we have a plethora of friends for support.
I have to also learn to let go of the codependent that wants to control and fix. I did'nt cause it, I can't fix it! Christmas will rock for my 9 & 11 year olds if I have to pull every hair in my head out! Those girls deserve a great deal of happy in their lives right now!
Great perception and experience...may I also suggest that you take your daughters to sit in and listen as they have also been affected by the disease. Get as much information as you can for you and the girls cause information will help you all to understand what is going on and how to respond in your own favors. Sad story for the holidays and then also a very hopeful one. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Well, after AH spent his last night before "drying out" binging on his whiskey drink, the nail in the proverbial coffin was slammed down last night. What started out as a decent conversation ended up in almost the same way, except worse this time. We ended up hashing and rehashing all of the same topics that he likes to belittle me with and remind me what all lives I ruined by my selfish actions and I couldn't control my anger and exhaustion of it all so I argued back with an alcoholic, who wasn't going to even remember the details of the argument anyway. From 7-4 a.m. we went round and round. Him riding by my house, him coming in my house and checking closets, etc. Well, as my luck would have it, my HP obviously had other plans for me last night than just living through another drunk episode. And I promise with all my codependent heart and on my mother's grave, God rest her sweet precious soul (her birthday was yesterday on top of all this emotional mess which I was already having an emotional day about that anyway) apparently my ex-AP found out I had moved through mutual friends and was headed home from his AA meeting and like an idiot, turned on to my street and passed my AH to which my AH stopped him and made him come in my house with him. I was getting ready for bed and all of a sudden standing outside my bathroom door is my AH and my ex-AP. My AH began to ask over and over "who do you want? me or him? give me an answer?" Everytime I tried to say, I don't want either of you but what I do want is some peace for my children and myself, I would get cut off and asked over and over and over until finally I was metaphorically backed into a corner and wasn't going to be able to get out unless I said You or Him and I literally just exploded and thought oh to heck with it AND OUT IT CAME......
I CHOOSE HIM...... I'm sure most of you can imagine the next 4 hours of our lives, but add in the fact that between arguments, AH leaving and coming back and calling nonstop while ex-AP are sitting in my den just in shock not saying a word just trying to process what the heck had just happened...in comes my AH and the couple that is admitting him to the hospital today and the same couple that our kids were spending the night with their kids who are the same ages. The next thing i know my AH demands that ex-AP and I profess our undying love for each other to our friends that have now been drug into this whole mess of a night. Understand I am a flight kind of personality. you know fight or flight. Well, being cornered with no where to go and three people surrounding me and my ex-AP again I felt like I had no other choice but to say fine yes i love him and he did the same thing and at that point they all left in complete and utter disgust for me and the ex-AP. So, again, ex-AP and I were left sitting there speechless wondering what we are supposed to do and what just happened AGAIN and what do we do now. It was all so much to process and I was so exhausted from the 3 days of nonstop arguing with my AH that I could barely think straight. Then it happened... my ex-AP said, I wasn't lying about still loving you. I never stopped. I love you and I don't want you to say anything back because I know you are emotionally wiped clean right now. Just know I am here if you need to talk, if he needs someone to help with his sobriety if he wants my help and if you need anything or a friend I am here. and with that I said thank you and he left. I finally got in the bed and was finally asleep and my phone rings again and AH says to let him in or he will break the door down. So I let him in, he checks all the closets, etc and another short argument ensues to the final words being get out, I want out, I want a divorce, to which he responded with fine you got it and #$%^ you and slammed my back door in his true fashion.
Flash forward to 2.5 hours of sleep later to be up and getting ready for work and guess who shows up as I am walking out the door to go to work... AH. Wanting to know if he should go talk to ex-AP since even though he is so mad at him, he still cares about him deep down and knows that they may never be as close as they were before all this, but they still have sortof a friendship or what is left of it. I told him that was up to him, not me and that after last night what was there left to say...for any of us. He left. went to Hospital and was admitted. sent me a text to ask one more time do you want him. tell me the truth and i wont ask again. In short i responded with all I want is peace in all our lives and that can not be accomplished with ex-AP involved. I have nothing in me to even be able to search my heart to begin to know what I want other than my children's emotional well being put back in tact and some sort of normalcy, for AH to get better and me and the girls into counseling so I can be the best mom I can for their sakes. I admit I care about ex-AP, but do I want to replace AH with AP and go to him No that is not what I want. I don't want to keep giving AH false hope either because I feel like we have done too much damage to our marriage to repair it and ever move past it, but I don't think we are so broken as parents that we can't get better for the sake of children and not end up being those parents who hate each other and we are strong enough to make our children's lives happy and healthy.
Oh my goodness, alcoholics are masterminds at drama, aren't they?
I'm afraid I have to ask - what does "AP" stand for?
I think I would have called the police rather than endure that much harassment. It sounds like you know what you want - now to get the inhabitants of crazytown out of the way!
ap is affair partner... or so I think it's used as shorthand for that bad word. :/
I took the girls to see AH because he wanted to see them tonight. He seemed to be in really good spirits thanks to the banana drip they had him on. Honestly, even though i do know what I want and what I need and what my girls deserve, I have to admit that seeing the stranger there tonight was heartwarming in the sense that if for just one hour he seemed genuinely remorseful, understood and agreed that sobriety is what his children deserve. I just hope for their sakes and his that he will find his way to AA after drying out and we just might be able to coparent in a manner in which will be a happy, peaceful and loving coparent relationship. I know, thats a lot to ask right now or to even imagine happening, but I need to think positively instead of being a debbie downer. If I'm going to make a happy home for my children then I need to be able to find the good in things.
I have to say that just being able to unload here and everyone knows what it feels like and can empathize means the world to me, so thanks everyone for just being there!!!
Update: so, ah has dried out and now we have been told that ah has fatty liver disease, liver is completely full of fat and blood and on top of that he has avascular necrosis in both femurs from the alcohol. He is waiting for the liver specialist to return to work next week for an appointment to find out just how severe it is and if it's cirrhosis or what. In the mean time, christmas was nice for the kids and pretty pleasant for us being able to communicate. that was until this morning when he just walks in my back door to get a key to our lock box at the bank and goes through my phone and see's where the ex-ap had called over the holidays and he calmly began to lash out at me and the look on his face has just had me in tears all day. he told me to get an attorney and file. I can not get the image of his hurt out of my head! he has tried so many things to keep me hanging on in typical alcoholic fashion but he is dead set that I left and am leaving for the ex-ap. I am not. I left for my children's well being. i probably should not have taken the call from ex-ap but he has always been a rock for me when it comes to my ah and his alcoholism and as crazy as this is, he loves my ah and is very concerned about him just being dry and not finding an aa group to get to so he can learn how to live life sober and deal with everyday issues sober. What am i supposed to do and why am I so hurt that I hurt my ah all over again????????
Because you are typical of many of us coming into alanon. Care more for others than self and think his disease is somehow your fault or under your control. Being a bit blunt here. Having an affair...not great, but he also did that AND wrecked his own damn life with his drinking. Sympathy won't fix him and let go of the guilt because it's not helping you.
I'm trying to imagine your situation as a movie and what would it be titled and I just arrived at "911 Please". I've used it and it works. Feeling Sad for you. ((((hugs))))
Thanks everyone! yes 911 Please would definitely be my life right now! As serious as it all really is, it is also quite amusing sometimes to think about watching it from the outside and what a DRAMA/Thriller this chaotic life of mine is! Add in the guilt i also feel towards his family that was literally like my very own family, and there ya go! SHORTY CALL 911!!! lol.
A close friend of ours that is in AA brought me his copy of the big book to read. I feel compelled to just leave it on AH kitchen counter out of the blue when I go to take him the proposed property settlement agreement for our divorce. Or am I still just holding on to the hope that maybe he'll read it and realize that no matter what kind of alcoholic you are, most people need AA. Or, am I just fooling myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, he will read it and find some peace in learning how to deal with life sober, the heartache of me divorcing him when after 15 years he decided all of a sudden that he loved me... anyway, a girl/mother/soon to be exwife can hope for the sake of all of us I guess. I keep telling myself during the moments of oh my heart hurts for him that I DID NOT CAUSE HIS ALCOHOLISM, I CAN'T CONTROL IT AND I CAN'T FIX IT, but yeah, that helps for about .2 seconds and then I just have to get busy doing other things to hide from all the guilt I feel right now. So, I hope everyone had a fantastic new years! My motto this time around is New Year New You!
