The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This slogan seems to be a love it or hate it type deal; personally I love it. Over time, others have expressed quite validly that to them it feels like continuing behaving in a disingenuous manner, a behavior they are trying to break away from.
So I thought I'd express how it worked for me (and still works). It's one of my very favorite tools. I use it every day!
For me, "fake it till you make it" is getting dressed as if I care about myself, even if that day I don't, putting my best foot forward and doing the "next right thing" even when my true inner self just wants to lay down and die, making the effort to smile and go to a meeting or do something out in the wide world even when it's the absolute last thing in the world I want to do. And it's especialy about getting started on a job I'm afraid to do.
It's having a set of ideas about what I want to do, and then acting 'as if" and making myself do them...even if it's going through the motions, because I have an underlying faith that even if I really, really don't feel it right now, if I "fake it till I make it" I'll feel it later on and it won't be fake anymore. (Because if I really want to do it but I'm too scared or lazy, it's probably the right action for me).
Fake it till you make it has gotten me out of bed, dressed and looking like a woman who values herself, out the door and to a meeting when my honest inside self was begging me to just get back into bed and shut the curtains on another day. Fake it till you make it is what got me through my drivers test...I felt like I had an agreement with my HP...Look Mel, you just smile and do the actions you know how to do, and I'll get the rest and eventually we'll meet up afterwards and have a good laugh about it OK? So even when I was so scared I literally wanted to run screaming for the shore to take my chances on the open sea, I got in the car, did the motions, and trusted that eventually, as per our agreement, HP would make sure that "brave, capable" Mel was going to show up and take over. And she always does. As long as I take those brave first steps and 'fake it till I make it".
It gets me through scary things like meeting other parents (just smile and be cheerful Mel, and you might find it gets easy and you actually enjoy talking to them), and also in confrontations where I feel I need to state what I feel and I'm too scared. I tell myself, fake it till you make it Mel, and I just start talking and you know what? Brave, decisive Mel always shows up when I do that. "Fake it till you make it" allows me to start talking even if I'm petrified because I've come to trust that if I'm brave enough to make a start on a scary project, that's enough to guarantee HP is going to show up with reinforcements and a cheer squad. And I have never been left wanting.
So for me it isn't about faking it for anyone ELSE, it's about faking it for ME. It's a bravery tool for me, former scared little mouse, and a contract between myself and my HP that if I show my intent by making a start, even if inside I'm shaking and sick, the cavalry won't be far behind. It isn't about being "false" for other people, it's a tool for when I want to do something but for some reason I feel as though I can't.
But further to this, about 18 months ago I was assaulted a few times in a short period of time and I became very shakey, tired, and isolated. I didn't want to do anything but bury myself in bed and stay in a dark room with no noise. When I reached out to an abuse counsellor on the phone, she explained to me the way my hormones were working against me, and that the best thing I could do to help my body to work WITH me instead of against me was to engage in activities that brought sun and fun and laughter and social activity into my life, even if I didn't want to. Even if it seemed intolerable, she instructed that I should do it. Basically, to stop the horrible feelings and "hide in the dark" hormones, I had to "fake it" to make my body help my mind. So, what I did was, I started sitting outside in the sun for just a half hour a day reading a funny book, even if the last thing I wanted to do was read or feel the sun, and making myself experience warmth and humor when I just wanted darkness, and making myself walk to the shops every day just to have a short friendly exchange with strangers in the shops. And eventually these things helped me feel warm and alive again. It worked. I faked it until what I wanted became aligned with how I felt.
So that's how it works for me.
What do others think about this slogan?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Great example Ms.M.and in the examples that you presented, I can completely understand the importance of this slogan. I looked at it in a defferent vein --s pretending to be recovered to the outside world-- talking the talk and not walking the walk. I cannot see any value in this
Nice post it is good to see who talking it over and reasoning it out works.
I personally like and use the slogan fake it till you make it. For me it says no matter what is going on you have a life to live and obligations to other people in your life to show up and be present. If I get dressed and present my best face forward it usually results in feeling a little better in the moment. Yes it is okay to have a down day and maybe even wallow in the misery and pain of it all but in the end I need to get going for me. Not everyone needs or desires to know what is goin going on in my life, and I can and do have the strength to go about my business even when life is upside down. It gives me a much needed break from my thoughts about AD . At first I used to worry that perhaps I was not being authentic by "faking it" but now I see that it indeed is a helpful tool that prevents me from perhaps going to people whom have no useful guidance or advice and only stir me up more. Its like going to a dry well for water..
I used to use fake it until you make it a lot when I first found al-anon. I was alone and depressed, missed my ex-AH so much and just had never lived alone, and add raising children I was a wreck. I faked getting through many days, to work to social outings, and getting to the gym, which is now my routine most days without a second thought. I no longer fake much and feel like I worked through most my inner angst. I had to fake it a bit on graduation night last Friday, however there were a thousand people at a fancy convention center and I had a bit of anxiety! I just kept taking the next step and didn't look out at the crowd even though I was lucky enough to have friends and my kids hooting and hollering for me when I was on the stage collecting my degree. I hadn't made many friends while in nursing school, because I don't fake friendships very well, but found a couple women to sit with and had a lovely evening! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I can't tell you how much I needed this today. I just wanted to thank you for posting this. I am going to print it and keep it with some of my other al-anon things. I grew up in a very 'fake' family environment. I have two sisters who's careers turned out to be in 'the theater world.' We were very well trained in faking it. I did not have an alcoholic parent (although my father is now showing signs). I had very driven parents who were a classic example of 'rags to riches' and did whatever it took to fit into the country club set, which they did, and do now. Anyway - I learned how to give the world what the world expected of me (not to mention my very demanding parents) and as an adult I had no idea what being genuine meant. I didn't know what I liked, what I liked to do, what kinds of things I was interested in. I married a man with chemical dependency issues that were hidden until after the wedding. I went to my parents for help and was told in no uncertain terms - Fake It. It doesn't matter what you want (a divorce), you owe it to your kids to fake it and act like one big happy family. So I did. For twenty-two years. Faking it is what I do best.
And then I found al-anon.
I didn't even notice that slogan until I read this post. I guess I just glossed over it - yeah, yeah, yeah - I know how to do that one.
But I didn't know. Until I read this. My journey of self-exploration began about two years ago and I have learned so much from my local al-anon group. But inside, I hated the fact that all I knew how to do was fake it. I want to be ok with who I am so I don't HAVE to fake it anymore. I spent yesterday with my parents, sisters, etc and all I could see was how fake fake fake everything was. I was practically rolling my eyes. I HATE fake. Today I understand a new way to look at this slogan. I think I had kind of been saying this to myself in another way - act your way into a feeling. Feeling follow action - so act first. I often step out of my comfort zone (singing and speaking in public) and the anxiety just about does me in. But once I actually start - my genuine self shows up (just like you, Mel) and my genuine self, fully supported by my HP (which for me is God) surprises me with how easy it is to just relax, smile, and let all my hard work and preparation guide me into what turns out to be so much better than I expected. I'm learning to trust myself to be genuine, even when it's scary. I call this "Let go and let God." It makes it so much easier for me to trust Him instead of trusting myself.
So, fake it til ya make it has a new meaning for me today. One that I love and can't wait to really put into practice. Even though I had kind of been doing some of the things you talked about, I will be more mindful of how much more important it is to concentrate on the TILL YOU MAKE IT part. I will make it. I will come out ok. I will find strength to do what I need to do. I will come out of this and be ok. I may not feel like it right now, but I will make it. So, I will keep acting as though I actually believe that I WILL make it.
This was an excellent thread! SOUTHERNGIRL I can relate...I watched my family "fake" everything when I was a child to hide other things. I like the take on "making it" and while I'm working on that, I will keep myself in check. I won't be "fake" but I will be in check with my feeling and emotions and be honest and kind after I've really thought about what I need to say or do!
