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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My disease is prevalent
Post Info TOPIC: My disease is prevalent
andromeda


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My disease is prevalent
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I think it's weird that my boyfriend knows me better than I know myself.  Or, at least, that's how I felt this past weekend.  A lot was revealed to me over the weekend and I realized that I have a ton of growth ahead of me!

We had a conversation where he basically told me that I try too hard.  That I people please and that he feels that I 'fake it until I make it' too much.  He says he doesn't think I present the real me especially when something ticks me off or if I need to confront him.  He said that I'm not fake with him and he believes me when I say I am who I am, but he thinks that I work too hard to be perfect and it bothers him because he doesn't quite know who he's getting.

At first I was ticked off and angry.  Then I got hurt and mad.  We went out to a resort for appetizers and coffee and sat by the firepits and I had some time to think and gather myself.  On the drive home I brought it up again and I told him that he's right.  I am not always true to myself.  It's not that I'm being fake to him or being someone who isn't me, per se, but I do know that I cover up my anxieties, my fears, my anger, and my deeper emotions because I'm afraid of them and I'm afraid of how he will react when he sees those things from me.  He told me that he would never judge me, he's not like that.....he just wants me to be ME.

The funny thing is: I don't even know what that looks like to me.  Some days I don't even know who I am.  And, now, it makes complete sense to me as to why my boyfriend is taking his time with me, why he's hesitant to tell me how he feels, and why neither one of us have even said I love you yet.  Maybe he needs to actually see more of the real me before he commits further to US.

I swore this conversation was going to be the end of us.  I kept thinking: what emotionally healthy man wants to be with a woman who isn't fully presenting herself?  I did tell him later on that I was grateful that we talked about and I appreciated his honesty.  I asked him to be patient with me but to also call me out on the behavior or attitudes if he questions my motives or emotions because I'll usually fess up if I'm asked or encouraged to do so.  

Anyway, he's still here and we're still OK.  He just moved all his expensive art work into my spare room because his house will be finished in April and he needed to store stuff and didn't want to store the expensive stuff in a storage pod or facility.  He's right where I left him: in the relationship and just taking life one day at a time.  Now, if I could only live my life like that and learn to just be myself and take life one day at a time, as well, LOL!  

I'm so grateful to program and grateful to this man.  I've learned a lot about myself and even if he breaks it off with me next month, I know that I will be a better person because of him no matter what happens.  I guess I can't ask for much more.



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missmeliss


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I think it's good that you can communicate honestly and that you're enjoying that.

However, and I really hesitate to say this...the one thing that stood out a lot in this post was, are you letting this guy be your HP?

Just because he says he believes you are a certain way doesn't make it so...and I hear alarm bells when someone tells me they think I am not "being the real me" because to me that says "You aren't being who I think you should be" when someone who really won't judge me will accept who I am here and now, regardless of whether they have an opinion about my motives or "genuineness"...

You've been through a lot of changes and hurts and I'd venture to say, YOU are just learning who you are...I'm not sure your BF, no matter how nice, can make a call about whether or not you are being genuine?

How do you validate yourself usually? Whatever it is, I'd do that. You are an amazing and inspiring woman and you are so much more than what someone else thinks about you!

I think you're doing an inspiring job anyway.

(((Andromeda)))



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Iamhere


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I believe the conversation/discussion you had with your boyfriend is awesome! He cares enough to share what he's seeing and to me, that's a gift.

What popped into my brain was how people (both male and female) appear to be on their 'best behavior' during the courtship phase of a relationship. We all tend to put our best foot forward and in my experience, the reality is different than this honeymoon phase. Taking things slowly as you all appear to be doing gives you and him a much better opportunity to be authentic and then see each other is a more 'real light'.

I think that we in recovery face an even bigger issue with this cycle of relationships. We (both sides) tend to have lower self-esteem and/or self-worth, so we are fearful to be authentic - as the other person may no longer like us if they see the real me. In your instance above, I see him being very tender in suggesting he thinks himself to be a 'safe place' for you to be you. The Al-Anon program gives you to tools to determine if that is indeed true - is he safe? Are his words/actions genuine? Can you be the real you with him? Not throw it all out there today, but as the relationship grows?

So, I am one who believes that new relationships are hard for everyone, and then even harder for those of us in recovery or in need of it. I believe you are in a great spot, as you now get to determine how best to use (or discard) that which you've heard. My best gift of recovery is the ability to 'hear' and then 'process' and then 'act' if needed.

Sounds like you all are moving towards a different level of your relationship. Enjoy the journey and trust your HP to guide and lead you!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
hotrod


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Love all the responses. All I can add is that I always disliked the slogan "Fake it until you make it", as it always reminded me of how I acted before program-- I was always pretending to be a certain way and never had the courage to express my true self . Program gave me the courage to know myself, accept myself and the ability to validate myself warts and all for that I am grateful.In thinking about the slogan I cannot understand any value in it .

In thinking about your boyfriend I believe he is very astute in seeing this, and courageous in expressing it .You did well in hearing it and responding

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
andromeda


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Thank you everyone for the feedback. A part of me was ticked off that he was trying to point out my character defect, lol. But, he did it with a kind heart and wasn't mean or condescending so I took it as it was intended and hopefully I will learn something from this. I also had a choice to say to him, 'Hey, thank you for your feedback but I'm happy as I am. If you can't see that I'm being real here, then maybe the problem is you." OK, maybe I wouldn't be that harsh, but the point is that I could always just say that I appreciated his opinion but that doesn't make it true to me.

I was over his house tonight and played with his kids after dinner. They clamor on my lap like I'm Santa Claus, LOL and he just sits there laughing at the three of us. He's not perfect. I'm not perfect. And, that's OK!

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
SerenityRUS


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Hugs andromeda!! You inspire me. So grateful to share this journey with you!!!!

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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism.  If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown

"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Breakingfree


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You are doing so well! It is so hard to not feel like a freak after walking the cover up egg shell walk for so long! You are getting it and rediscovering yourself, it can be so fun! Matters of the heart can be scary, but jumping all in with your freak flag flying is half the fun. My boyfriend laughs that at first I would hide my emotions and as I got comfortable he sees I am very emotional and cry over so many emotions. Although he isn't the most emotional man, he understands me and loves me as I am. Let him see the real you and let go and let God with the rest! Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Jerry F


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I would do that kind of work and inter-reaction with a sponsor and not with a partner who isn't skilled at it. He has investment in the relationship and a personal one and I doubt that he can be unbiased because of the emotional, mental and physical attachment. There is something in the relationship for him and we are all like that as you read our stories in our posts here and listen to our shares in our meetings. My sponsor can remain detached and not emotionally and mentally involved ...not my wife or female relationship. I learned in the past to take what my relationships share with me with a grain of salt especially if it is directly about me or some part of me. What works best for me is to hear my wife say..."I believe you should speak with your sponsor" which I must admit often doesn't happen. Good share. ((((hugs)))) smile

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