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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Tis The Season For Wishing It Wasn't, Falalalala Oh Please God Why.
Post Info TOPIC: Tis The Season For Wishing It Wasn't, Falalalala Oh Please God Why.
missmeliss


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Tis The Season For Wishing It Wasn't, Falalalala Oh Please God Why.
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It always start out so simple and progresses into such an unholy nightmare.

Long story short, I agreed that after driving 3ish hours (with ABF) to lunch with my family I would drive with ABF to his home town a further 3 hours away for a big family get together. He's been so nice all year ad it is important to him, and it seemed like a good idea 2 months ago when it wasn't a few days away...

Except now there IS no family get together on account of his brothers wife deciding that his mother may not visit their house on Christmas day. And that's harsh and at the same time understandable. There's always so much drama and angst; I respect his sister in law for drawing a line although he sees it as cruel snobbery. 

So anyway, because of this "terribley unfair situation", now we are just going to his poor poor mothers house...just ABF, daughter and I....and we can't go out anywhere to eat because "it'll freak her out" and we can't "cook anything fancy because it'll freak her out" so we are going there to eat ham sandwiches?? (which we are going to provide and I assume I am paying for and making)  and I can sit and listen to him get drunk and the two of them carry on their demented and woeful conversations all night long? 

Now don't get me wrong, I care about his mum and feel sad for her as she's very lonely but a night at her house, just her ABF and I is the stuff of nightmares for me and certainly no fun for daughter.  We have nothing to contribute to their weird drama filled poor me conversations and it's just awful, really. I thought I signed off from all of this ages ago and I'm flabbergasted that I've worked myself right back int the same old same old. The lady can't stand me anyway so I really think she'd have a much happier night if it was just her and her son...he can get a lift with his other brother who can drop him off on the way to dinner. Easy. Everyone wins.

But telling him is not going to be fun since he thinks I am driving everywhere and presumably paying for all of the fuel too. I did agree to do this but the circumstances were different; family dinner vs night alone with his mum...my daughter was looking forward to seeing his brothers kids etc. So then i suggested we all go out for dinner but no, "that would freak her out" so the only option is to go to her house for a big poor me fest I'm not convinced she even wants us there for.

How on EARTH do I not say this mean? 

So now, this evening, my mother has jumped into the drama ceremony. She's been telling me for months "don't spend any money on presents, just make everyone candles". (Like they don't cost an arm and a leg to make lol but it's a nice idea). So I texted her today to tell her I've gotten a delicious black rasberry fragrance to make one for my brother and she messages me back that I CANNOT give him a candle as she couldn't cope with him burning one in the house. It's mean and stupid and all about her phobias and nothing to do with my poor brother who is perfectly capable of operating a candle. It makes me really cross that she puts all of her fears onto him because he soaks them up and is afraid of his own shadow and will probably never leave home.

Incidentally t isn't a drinking thing; my middle brother and sister who are the hardcore family drunks are allowed to operate candles. There's no rhyme or reason to it, she just seems to like making him feel helpless and it makes me MAD. I want to give him the candle; it smells yummy and he'll enjoy it!!!

So these are my weird Christmas woes, and now I need to pull out my toolkit and figure out how to navigate them.

What I want to do is visit my grandmother for lunch, collect my daughter (who will be dropped off there for lunch), catch the train home (it's free on Christmas Day, woo-hoo!) and go home and get cozy and watch the doctor Who Christmas Special, and then go see Star Wars with her on Boxing day. And have a delightful Nerdy Christmas with my offspring and maybe a pizza. To be honest I think I owe that to both of us, a lot more than I owe it to anyone to get wrapped up in drama and nonsense.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I think I see it all more clearly already!

Hugs to all, and I hope everyone is navigating their holidays with minimal fuss and angst.

(((Everyone)))

 

 



-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 21st of December 2015 06:37:40 AM



-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 21st of December 2015 07:40:46 AM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
missmeliss


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Well after writing this I told him I'm sorry but I've decided not to come. He sounded sad but didn't make any fuss, he just said "I don't want to force you to go if you don't want to" and then he said he thinks he'd rather just stay home and play computer games anyway. Now I feel mean, worried he will be alone and so will his mother and it's all because of mean old me.....ugh. I've made a mess of all of this.


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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
hotrod


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Ms.  M. You did not make a mess of all this by validating your desires and stating what you wanted to do.  His Mom's  entire family have un invited her to their celebration and remember  your BF can always go to visit on his own by train. I do not think that  having" Ham sandwich's" for a Christmas dinner does not sound like a celebratory affair. 
 Love your plans for the Holiday----maybe BF can  join you for a movie.    I am planning on a Christmas dinner with family on Christmas Eve, then a return home to spend  Christmas Day going to Church, seeing Star Wars and relaxing    Hope we both have a good day.


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Betty

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missmeliss


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Thank you Betty.
We will raise our popcorn as a toast to you as we watch Star Wars on Boxing Day

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Iamhere


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Missmel - your post reminded me exactly why I stopped participating in the entire commercial aspect of this holiday, and do what makes me happy. I put $$ into an account for the G-Babies college, reduce the debt of my 2 A Sons, House my parents for 2 weeks and give everyone else a hug. My AH and I stopped doing gifts shortly after marriage as we typically go get what we want when we want it any ways!

I quit doing other people's drama a while ago, and am so grateful for that. Life's too short to try and be what others want me to be. Not to mention that even if/when I work to please others, it's typically still not enough - it's never enough with an A.....

So - take care of you, offer joy and cheer to all others and let it all go! Gifts are optional......I have learned and accepted this and it's so liberating!!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
YARNCRAZY


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THIS YEAR SINCE IVE MOVED OUT,THERE WILL BE NO SHARED XMAS WITH SOON TO BE X AH. SO AS A TREAT TO MYSELF,IM GOING TO HIT BIG LOTS FOR SOME STUFF FOR MY NEW APT AND WILL HIT EBAY FOR SOME CLOTHES/SOES I NEED

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ALYCE R KINIKIN
Freetime


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Miss Mel, Three cheers to you for making a choice to take care of yourself!  It sounds to me like a great Christmas gift to yourself and daughter to choose to have a good time for yourselves instead of a bad time somewhere you don't need or want to be.

I wish I'd had your courage back in the years when I went to uncomfortable in-law-family events out of a sense of obligation.   I did it for 30+ years because I felt I was doing it for my AH.  "What would people think if I didn't go?"  Looking back, I'm not sure he would have cared that much ... I don't think it would have affected our marriage ... possibly would have made it better because I would have been less stressed in general.  I worried about those events for weeks or months before, and then it took weeks or months after to unwind from them.  

Anyway,  good for you!! Enjoy your peaceful holiday. 



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missmeliss


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Yay for you Alyce!!
I'm excited for you.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
missmeliss


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lol Freetime, I'm not sure I don't still think "what would people think", it's just, I think, what would my friends on MIP and in al-anon think?" lol!


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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Mirandac


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Mel you certainly do not lack for Courage.

You are only taking Good Care of you and
your daughter. Do whatever is best for you
both.

Love your processing and self awareness.

Sending you a big christmas hug! We will
All get thru the holidays the best we can.

((((( melly)))))))


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KennyFenderjazz


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missmeliss wrote:

....  Now I feel mean, worried he will be alone and so will his mother and it's all because of mean old me.....ugh. I've made a mess of all of this.

 

I see that you have straightened the mess out.  You have no obligation to these people, most of whom don't want to see you anyway, so you gave everyone the Christmas that they wanted - to be left alone.  None of them have been visited by anyone Christmas spirits - well, not the Dickensian ones, anyway - so they just make up their minds to be Scrooges.

Now if only I could get to see Star Wars by Boxing Day.  My son already saw it on opening night, and is doing a great job not spilling any secrets to me, but he is just about ready to explode, so i've got to see it soon!  Unfriend him I will if he divulges anything!

Kenny



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zaipiaz


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Honestly, games, Dr. Who, and Star Wars sounds like a fine way to spend a holiday, but that's just my nerdy opinion.

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Freetime


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I just want to say, Miss M, that the subject line of your post should be printed on a holiday card ... I've felt that way, and I'm sure many others have, too.  It would sell lots of cards.



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LinSC


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Just be yourself, do what you want to do. It's a day to celebrate, not be stressed. Everyone makes such a fuss over The holidays, an hour of stress takes years off your life. Enjoy, smile and above all have some good laughs!.....

By the way are you dating that guy behind you in your avatar photo?!! 



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Breakingfree


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I have spent many Christmas's alone the last few years, I have shipped my children off to the ex-AH with his family's Christmas. I have been sad and lonesome and even broke up with a guy right before Christmas as to not have to endure it any longer. I don't feel mean, I feel true to myself! It has been so hard not to take on the blame of other peoples feelings, but I refuse at this point. I have to own my own feelings and decisions then other people have to as well. You are amazing and I am so glad you are putting yourself first! Sending you love and support!

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likemyheart


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We have chosen to watch the Dr. Who Christmas Special with the Master! Right now we are watching Nightmare Before Christmas, I will later read some of The Drawing of the Three to my daughter because she's caught the cold I've been suffering with and her throat hurts. We will dine on baked potato and Lobster and just relax all the rest of today.

Oh what a feast to the soul it is when you can make the holiday exactly what YOU want it to be.

Enjoy your day!

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
missmeliss


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That's sort of hilarious as I'm just reading the wastelands on the train on my way to Christmas lunch then home for doctor who lol!!! Hugs to you lmh!! And thanks everyone for kind words. No Lin I should be so lucky!!!



-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 24th of December 2015 06:30:27 PM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
likemyheart


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Way back in the dinosaur age... I received Wastelands as a Christmas gift, hadn't read the Drawing. I read the first part of Wastelands and had to buy the Drawing before I read anymore Wastelands, I wanted to know more about those three people before I read on! I read Drawing in two days, something never do! Its fun to re-read, and fun to read aloud. Cheers!

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
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