(((Mary))) - so sorry that you're finding yourself different than planned and hoped. I agree that you are probably grieving and my best suggestion is those gratitude lists and asset lists. If I can focus on what is good and what is working in my life, then I tend to lift my attitude up. I believe the holidays are a constant reminder and suggestion of how family joy 'should look'. For those of us who are way left of center, it can be a reminder of what we do not have.

I have to use all the tools in my bag to realize that I am fine and my life is fine and comparing my insides to outsides of others is not practical or logical. Hang in there and enjoy your break. You've also been very busy for a long while, so a break in your busy schedule is possible just enough of a 'change' to cause a bit of fear to resurface!

I agree with Betty - use the time to beef up your program, meetings, service work, etc. 'Stock-pile' some serenity for the next busy phase of your experience!