The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
9 years ago I met my husband, we had a brief relationship and then he moved onto somone else and had a child,he already had a child before this one, he used to drink quite alot at weekends at this point and smoke cannabis, we stayed good friends and eventually he discovered his partner was having an affair, they stayed together for a bit and he started to drink and smoke cannabis more, he said he couldnt face to go home without a drink in him. they eventually split and he couldnt cope and It got to breaking point when he rolled his car drunk with the children in it.He lost his licence and so I helped him with lifts and we went out together , we were sleeping together but he kept saying we were only friends , after about 6 months he asked me to be his proper girlfriend, this went on for a couple of years and then he asked to move in with me, we lived together for two years and when I became very ill he looked after me for months, being totally supportive and we were very happy, his drinking was acceptable at this point although every night, and we were very close and on christmas eve two years ago he asked me to marry him, he was totally drunk but after church I said yes.
His ex was always in the background and he seemed to be coping well with dealing with her and his drinking, although he would smoke cannabis all day even at work,his other ex is lovely and is a great mum
We got married, which is when it all went wrong, his drinking esculated and he was drunk every night if I wanted to see him I needed to meet him at the pub, he was being sick every morning which he had been doing for a while but not every day and I was worried, social services wanted us to have his child as the mother was heavily into drugs but he wouldnt do anything they asked and kept drinking and smoking pot ,I asked him to seek help but he said drinking wasnt the problem it was me nagging at him about him drinking which was the problem, The point camewhere he admitted he had had an affair with his ex and so I asked him to leave, he camped on the doorstep he apologised he said he would do anything and so I caved in and said we could stay together but he had to address his drinking and smoking and move out, he did move out and things were a little strained at first but then we got back on track and eventually he joined AA, he started by going to one meeting a week and was doing so well, we had a couple of lapses but then he seemed to be on track until he started to hide his drinking, he was drinking when I left and huge amounts of cans were appearing in his bin, one day when he asked me to put the rubbish in the bin I cryed as I couldnt believe the bin was so full of cans in a week since it had been emptied. he kept telling me and the social workers he had given up and so in the end I told them the truth, he was then told he had to get more help and be on supervised access to his children at my house, as we were after all supposed to be working on our marriage and him eventually come home and his son come and live with us. this sent him over the edge and he was so aggresive,it turned out he had another affair with his ex, he said he did it to see if he could go back to her for his sons sake, he started attended AA five nights a week and has been clean for 5 weeks of both cannabis and drink,he has thrown himself into it and has totally changed over night into somone I dont know anymore, hes been cold and talking down to me and keeps telling me he is not drink and drugs dependant, last week said he wanted a divorce, he hasnt spoken to me or seen me since.
Welcome to MIP annie - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to post/share.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects all aspects of living - mental, spiritual, physical and emotional. AA is the recovery program for the Alcoholic. Al-Anon is where those of us affected by the disease get support and recovery, as the disease is a family disease reaching well beyond the addicted person.
We learn in Al-Anon that we did not cause the issues/addiction, we can't cure it and we can't control it. What we can do is manage our own actions, reactions and emotions and learn how to be happy in spite of what the qualifier(s) is/are doing.
I encourage you to seek out local Al-Anon meetings, where you will be welcomed and find support and assistance for you. So sorry that you're in the midst of the disease and hope you keep coming back. You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Annie I am sorry that you are in this pain. As IAMHERE suggested there is HOPE. Please checkout alanon face to face meetings and plan on attending . It is here that you will find the support and clarity you need to be able to build a life based on healhty choices knowing that alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic ,disease that has affected you and from which you need to recover.
It is important to keep coming back as recovery is a process attained one day at a time.
I am attending meetings already and have now been to three, I intend to keep going and try and sort myself out, I have found this site useful as I didnt even know about co dependency until here and I would definatly put myself in that bracket, I looked after him like a child and had to reasure him and when he stamped his feet it was easier to give in than argue, however the last year has been so difficult and my heart is now broken , thankyou for the reply.
I am glad you are attending meetings. Many will identify with the pain and heartbreak of which you speak. I assure you that this pain will lift and be replaced with new constructive tools to live by as well as a deeper understanding and acceptance of life .
It sounds like some common elements of a marriage destroyed by this disease. He wants an enabler and that is clear. Underneath the drinking and using and/or being unhappy about the drinking and using, what is left in this marriage? Do you even know each other that well? Sounds to me like this has been poisoning and defining your relationship for a long time. Good time to step off the crazy train and into alanon.
I remember the first time I posted here - I cried and cried, mainly because I was finally taking steps to care for and look after myself. Like you I often put my energy into caring for others but I did not notice how little I received from them. So welcome to a fabulous new journey - one where we learn to trust ourselves and find our own footing in this glorious world.
Annie it all takes awhile to learn the
Alanon way. Its about us getting better
On the inside.
We get just as sick, in a different Way.
Many of us come from the disease And/or
the dysfunction from it then marry Into it so
We really have a lifetime to heal and grow
from.
Sending you strength and courage to do
The next best thing. Ftf meetings will help
You so much as you absorb the wisdom
In the rooms. There is much to learn If
you go with an open mind.
I am so glad you went to three mtgs keep
reaching Out. This is a journey best not
gone alone.
Thankyou so much, I am feeling stronger today, my daughter is being so supportive and has even asked me if I would like her to come to the meetings too, I love my husband, for better for worse, but I am starting to feel like I want to love myself more.
That last post is so inspiring especially the "I am starting to feel like I want to love myself more" part. There was and still is sooooo much for me to understand and learn (with practice, practice, practice). Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and that doesn't mean only with the addict/alcoholic. I fed off of my addicted spouses personality just like if I was drinking her and came to understand that it was exactly what I was doing. I was no different and she was my rum. I had to get the I out of the We and still be able to love her unconditionally which meant detaching and taking my life and my plans for my life with me. "How did I want to live"? I never asked myself that question in all honesty until Al-Anon taught me what the real question was and what was the answer to it.
She is no longer my wife and a woman I love who lives somewhere only God knows where and how I hope she is healthy and safe. I don't crave her anymore and am not in withdrawals from being apart from her. I am no longer under the influence of our addiction to drugs and alcohol and each other. I cannot and will not enable her disease any longer as that once meant she would die as a result which isn't even close what I wanted for her and me.
For me its too early to consider that your husband has stopped drinking as the disease lodges itself in the mind, body, spirit and emotions and has been lodged there for a long long time. I was told once my a sponsor that when my alcoholic/addict had as much clean and sober time as she had using then and only then would she be at the midway point. That is only one of many lessons I have kept close to my own recovery because it pertains to me also.
I drank and started using up to I was 37 years of age. I am now 73 which is just one year less than my half life and I keep working my recovery program daily even in the face of lapses. I haven't drank for 36 years and that is not saying when was the last time I was caught up in the insanity of the disease.
Thanks much for your post and the courage to bring it here. You are now family and we are so mutually supportive. ((((hugs))))
Annie, I'm so glad to hear you are feeling stronger and that your daughter is also interested in coming to meetings. When I was feeling very down and then took the step to go to Al-Anon, after a few weeks my daughter also found her own Al-Anon meetings to attend. It has been truly wonderful for both of us to have a common language of recovery. We even say the slogans to one another, for example when I was stressing that I couldn't seem to find loving detachment for my husband, she reminded me of "Progress Not Perfection."
Hang in there, and please let us know how it is going.
Well ive done 5 months now on my own. Im on my 8th step, I have bad days I have good days, Im involved with the church more and am also getting support there, I miss my husband every day, I hurt from his harsh words still, that he only married me to make me happy and his parents proud of him. I realise he is ill but he has kept sober for 6 months now and is even hosting AA meetings,so I am proud of him for getting this far, even if he doesnt want me in his life. I feel very abandoned still and hurt that He could just cut me off like I never even existed, I will forgive him I hope after I forgive myself. I ask God every day for assistance in this. I read my books every day , I write my journal every day which helps enormously. I am getting out of debt and the sun is starting to shine through the clouds more. I hope and pray he moves away from where I live so I do not have to be reminded of all this every day , especially as he is now with somone else.thankyou dear people for being here x
Annie - great to hear from you and see you again - so happy to hear how hard you are working on you and your program. I do remember the deep pain I felt in being rejected by my qualifiers. I truly thought and felt at times as if it would not go away. For me, my sponsor using to say that I was looking for a rational explanation from an irrational source. It took me a while to understand this and I was able to get over it as I continued to grow spiritually and rebuild my own self-worth and self-esteem.
I have used words such as disposable and/or dismissed in trying to define the way I 'feel' when my qualifiers put their disease in front of me. There is hope for you to get to the other side - many have been where you are...keep doing what makes sense for your truth and trust the process and HP - I firmly believe I was not put 'here' to be unhappy and unsettled. He's got a bigger plan for all of us and wants us to be happy, healthy and whole!!
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sorry for all you're going through right now. I hope you keep getting something out of your Alanon meetings and will keep joining us here. Welcome. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
((Annie)) I am glad you are attending alanon and working the Steps I have heard it said that if you find yourself in a dark forest, it only takes 12 Steps to walk out. You are on your way. Keep coming back.
Annie great for the progress you are making and the relaxing of the grip on perfection. That was a huge lesson for me and then it finally arrived after lots of allowing myself to be teachable. Could it be that the real reason your life has changed is because you have worked for it? When I learned that my alcoholic/addict wife was not my Higher Power though I unconsciously acted that way, I took my life back along with the help and support of many others in our program. I learned about humility which is "being teachable" and the changes came. My alcoholic/addict wife went on to getting sober and clean also and while I continue to love here still we found no justification to be married. Kudo's to your husband for stopping the drinking part of his disease and prayers that he continue all the other parts too. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
