The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Earlier today I shared that my AH found out about Al Anon and flipped out calling it a cult and ranting on and on. This is not going away, no matter how I detach. In fact, my not engaging in an argument is making him almost desperate and this is escalating quite quickly - I was proud of myself and found it sadly amusing up until about an hour ago. And I am now starting to be afraid. He sounds like a crazy person. He is drawing weird pictures and talking to himself about "the plan" or something I can't really tell. But I am starting to be scared. He is not a well person (cirrhosis of the liver) and I found out he spent time in jail about a decade ago for domestic abuse against his former wife. I did NOT know that when we got together I would not have married him. He was a whole other person it turned out. He has hit me twice - both over 2 years ago before his recent 2 year sobriety (the one he recently fell off the wagon from).
The bottom line is that I think he would and could possibly hurt me, although he does have cirrhosis and just had knee surgery last week he still can't walk fully or drive at all. He does not have access to alcohol right now, which oddly makes this that much scarier - he is doing this sober. I really do think he is unstable and capable of doing me harm. I think when you feel the hairs on the back of your neck standing up and you feel uneasy and unsafe, you should listen to that inside voice. But I don't believe I can just call the police if he hasn't actually hurt me or threatened me?
Is there something I can do to make myself feel better? I'm trying to Let go and Let God...but I have a very uneasy feeling and can't seem to shake it. I don't think I have any police options since all he is doing is acting very strange and talking loudly to himself.
I don't have any experience to offer you here but I just wanted to say I'm here listening if you want to talk. I'm also wondering if a trip to seek medical help might be appropriate?
Thank you. I think it would, but I"m not sure how to go about that. I don't think you can force someone to get medical help. I've decided I am just going to leave the house for right now. Normally I would be working, but I had some vacation to use and hence I"m home. I'm just going to get out of the house for a bit and pray. Thank you again.
No you can't force it, until things become really "unbalanced" and then I guess you can call an ambulance? Sounds like a good plan to take some time away from the house. Hopefully you find a bit of peace ((hugs))
This sounds very worrisome. I'm wondering if he has the means to get himself some other kind of "substance" he can abuse. Maybe pain pills left over from the surgery?
The number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233, http://www.thehotline.org/. You don't have to be in a situation where he's already hit you to call and get advice. There will probably also be domestic violence shelters near you and they will have people who have training in this kind of situation.
I know what they do suggest is that if you're in a situation where you're still living with the person you're worried about, you should be ready to go if things escalate - have your important papers gathered and stored elsewhere (bank lockbox, with a friend or relative, etc.), as well as some clothes and the other things you'd need (medications, keys, whatever). Have a set of car keys where you know he won't be able to grab them and keep you from leaving. Don't be afraid to call the police if things start to get out of hand.
In this situation (where he feels threatening but hasn't actually done anything yet), the police would be unable to arrest or otherwise stop him - I think they'd probably urge you to do exactly what you've done, which is to get out of the house into a safe place.
The question is about the longterm plan. It is scary that he went to jail for domestic violence. That sounds like a very serious situation, since many men commit domestic violence but just get a warning or some other light penalty. It suggests to me that the violence was severe. Yikes!
I hope you will honor your sense that things could be dangerous. To me that would mean moving out sometime when he's away or unable to stop you (maybe with the police overseeing your gathering your things, if he has to be there). And it would mean moving out to a place that he can't find. Maybe staying with someone whose name and address he doesn't know until you find a place of your own. If he's unable to take care of himself because of the recent surgery, that's a complication. But you should not have to endanger yourself to take care of a man who might hurt you.
In Al-Anon we are urged not to give advice except when someone's safety is at stake. It does sound as if yours may be at stake, which is why I have gone ahead and given this advice.
Also rest assured that your decision to go to Al-Anon did not cause this. It sounds to me as if he has had it brewing inside all the time (especially with the proof of the previous jail time). His enforced idleness from the surgery, coupled with maybe the lack of his normal substances or maybe the addition of some new ones, may have made his mental condition worse. And you went to Al-Anon because of a condition that was already there - that is the condition that causes this. As we know, addiction always gets worse, never better, unless arrested by working a solid program of recovery. I'm sorry that this seems to be a time when it is getting worse. Please take good care of yourself.
Shelly, when those hairs stand up, it's there way of telling you to be scared, I think your limbic system is getting ready for a fight or flight. I agree with everything Mattie said, please seek help from local domestic violence specialists. Things can turn ugly very quickly.
Shelly,
I am not a doctor but I have a friend who has gone through some medical issues due to alcohol abuse and dementia, delusion and hysteria were a few of the symptoms of some of the medical issues going on. I can only imagine how scary this is for you. You are in my prayers for safety and peace.
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Shelly as a former alternatives to violence men's case manager I would suggest that you get a small phone and address book and write emergency contact information in it and keep it on you. Call a few of the numbers and get information from them to support yourself and let him know you have support such as speaking with an alternatives to violence case manager. Its okay to say clearly and loudly that he has you frightened for your safety and also ask him what he would advise you to do? Keep him focused on himself and his out of control behavior and the consequences. You can call a local woman's shelter and get information and ask if they have a male case worker on the board. Keep in touch. (((((hugs)))))
Shelly, Safety has to be your first priority. I think I would leave tonight and stay with a friend or family. Then tomorrow re-evaluate and re-enter if you feel you are safe. Listen to those frightened hairs that are standing up to get your attention (((hugs)))
I returned home as my son (19) came home earlier than expected this afternoon, and I do feel safe with him (son) here. As I said, my AH has Cirrhosis/ESLD and just had knee surgery. Even on his best day, he would never be a match for my much-taller-and-bigger college age son. AH is NOT his father - I was married once before for 15 years to his Dad. We got divorced 7 ago and I "re-met" my AH at our 25th HS reunion less than 2 yrs later. Being divorced and lonely, I believed everything my AH told me - I ignored the red flags bc I'd known him since middle school. He had turned into a whole other person I had no idea about nor did he ever tell me.
I've gotten a few things together, and have everything I need. I did call the mental health crisis hotline, and learned my options if he says or does anything threatening. My son and I will be leaving for my parent's home for the holidays (not local) in a few days, and that is a blessing. I just decided that we are going after attending the Al Anon meeting. Spending a nice, normal holiday with my Mother and Stepfather (who are normal thank GOD) is just the ticket. This means I will be leaving AH here by himself. I'd have NEVER done that before learning about Al Anon.
Things seem to have settled down here with my son's arrival. The AH knows he's no match and my son has no love lost for this nightmare who lied/conned us into his scary life. Looking forward to the next Al Anon meeting tomorrow morning. I can really use it.
-- Edited by ShellyM on Friday 18th of December 2015 05:58:47 PM
I'm so happy to hear you are going to a safe place and that you have program support to help get some serenity and clarity so you can figure out the next right steps. I believe everyone has a right to feel safe in their home
I agree about the feeling safe. I had to feel safe
To stop being a doormat. My xah left to have a
Better relationship with his gf. Actually he thought
I would leave, i stood my ground and stayed until
After The divorce.
I then really began my healing journey, i had been
In alanon for awhile. Someone from my meeting
Said "she speaks." The emotional pain was too
great to let it out.
I would seek legal counsel so you know your options.
I Loved my lawyer she watched my back and took
Care of me, still does when i need her to.
Shelly - thanks for circling back and giving an update. This is one of many reasons why I love Al-Anon - you talked about it, took action and now have a plan that supports you taking care of you. Do you best to stay in the moment and my prayers are for a lovely holiday visit with your parents! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
