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Long time since I posted. Will cut the story short.
My alcoholic son was sober for 4 month. Relapsed and binged again. He's on med for bi polar. I went collect him today from his rented room so he could withdraw safely , if he's officially sober ie hides the relapse, he could be working by end January in a good job he got offered when sober. His trigger is on off relation with his estranged partner.
When I got back with him, my patient long suffering wife ... His stepmother. .. had gone. She's had enough of the hell. Says she wants divorce and hates me. She's been tender as recently as this week.
I love them both desparately but, the deep down truth is, I have little hope he'll recover. He's tried everything. He's lost money, house, job. He is only one last mis-step from homelessness.
I love my wife. But I've been absent from the marriage for three years failing to manage his alcoholism. I am there in body only.
How does anyone stand by and see their son homeless. Or leave them to drink to death find their own recovery?
My wife has wanted to move away for years to be near grandkids. I've resisted. Truth is, she knows my only reason for staying is I can't extricate from my son.
How does anyone find strength to stick with a marriage that's wonderful over a son in desparate emotional pain.
Pls share experience?
I am not religious. Higher power to me is collective wisdom of those who've lived it.
((MCALANON))) I could not manage to maintain a loving relationship with my partner and still witness my son's downward spiral. We separated for 2 years and when my son passed, he returned. The relationship continues to grow, remarkably to this day.
Prayers and positive thoughts for you and your family
((McCalanon)) - I have two boys who are both addictive - name the substance and they will abuse it. I was the same way as a younger person, and found recovery by way of the legal system 28 years ago. I understand your pain. I understand your heart-break and your agony. Setting aside the HP concept, as the program doesn't require a belief in God - your choice is perfect - I remember sitting one day just beyond myself, crying and so angry, sad, mad, disappointed, fearful, etc. I can't even remember which event or what year but the thought popped into my head that I was way more concerned about their future, their lives, their survival, etc. than they were. I could not do it any more. I was spent - completely out of gas and a miserably unproductive person.
I knew in that instant that I needed to help me and get me sane again. I had no choice but to put me first. I came to conclude that I did my job, I raised them, gave them an education, a home, a value set, morals, etc. They chose to go a different path. I could no longer support that choice or that path. It was beyond affecting my marriage - it was destroying me, my person, my mind, my everything. I wasn't even me any more - I was a maniac on wheels trying to fix them when they didn't want fixing.
When someone wants recovery, they will go to any length to get it and keep it. I watched my boys jump from a 2nd story window to sneak out to get drunk/high, yet I couldn't get them to want to go to a meeting for recovery for one hour?
My best suggestion is engage in Al-Anon. Live one day at a time. Put you first. Stop and consider what difference you really are making. Are you helping? Are you enabling? Are you preventing him from hitting his bottom? Go to meetings, many as you can. He is going to do what he's going to do and there is nothing you can do that will change that.
Glad you stopped back by - sorry for the circumstances. I have strained relationships with both of mine, one is (was) sober the other is not. I do not call them, I text if I've not heard from them. It's not what I expected when I gave birth and raised them, but I will take a strained relationship with them fending for themselves over where I and my brain were before Al-Anon. I have actually driven my son to the homeless shelter twice as he refused treatment and could not stay sober (my home is a sober home). He resents me to no end, and that's OK. What I don't want is when I pass from this earth, they not able to take care of themselves. I am sure if I continued the previous path we were all on, they would have been 30-40 and still calling me for rides!!
HTH - keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't have good experience in this area, but I know my home meeting has a couple of couples who have made it through their son's alcoholism because of Alanon. They are some of the strongest Alanoners I know.
If you can get to a meeting where others have alcoholic children it could save your life.
