The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am beginning Step One after several months of F-F meetings, reading Al-Anon literature and listening to all of you. Happily, I am much better off that I was months back, becoming much better at not engaging with my AH and AD in senseless arguments and minding my own business. However, there are times I feel like a door mat for not engaging. Granted, it always turns out much better when I don't engage and the resentment passes somewhat quickly, but I wonder what they think of my non-engagement.
Do they think I am just meekly accepting what ever ridiculous or unacceptable thing they just said/did? Not sure why it is bothering me so much since it is working out better. Why do I feel like a sucker?
((Thorn))) I m glad that you are using the tools and find that they WORK. The Face to Face meeting opening in Alanon reminds us that "changed attitudes can recovery"
My attitudes before program were developed as a child in a alcoholic home. I learned how to fight, argue, be sarcastic and to defend myself to the end and no matter what I had to "win". I once thought that I had to engage in every argument.
Alanon asked me to keep an open mind that I was" reacting" and needed to learn to see these behaviors as destructive to my peace, serenity and life. I had choices and could choose to "respond" to situations is a different manner and be happy.
I needed to understand that it did not matter what others thought of me it was important that I develop principles and live by them constantly and then I could think highly of myself . That changed my attitude and my life.
Nice post Thorn! Feelings aren't always based in fact. They're just feelings. They only have the power WE give them. You now realize you're on a different path. A Spiritual path, so you no longer have to buy those feelings. Acknowledge your feelings, accept that they are yours for now and then turn them over to your HP knowing that change is ahead of you. The light at the end of the tunnel is no longer an oncoming train. It's the sunlight of the Spirit.
"Granted, it always turns out much better when I don't engage and the resentment passes somewhat quickly, but I wonder what they think of my non-engagement."
What they think is none of your business. The focus is on you now, not them. As you proceed through The Steps- more will be revealed regarding you and your future. The Steps will build you up- self esteem, self worth, confidence, peace and serenity. You will no longer feel like a doormat, if you do, you'll take action on the unacceptable behavior that leads to those feelings.
Nice to have you here with us. Keep on, keeping on..........
" I learned how to fight, argue, be sarcastic and to defend myself to the end and no matter what I had to "win". I once thought that I had to engage in every argument. "
Ah ha-I see what you did there and yep and you're exactly right. Since I haven't "won" = me feeling like a sucker. Of course it is about me, in the past when people retreated I advanced so that when I retreat I expect the same. Ugh--I get it.
Oh boy--thanks for that y'all--I appreciate it.. so much to learn!
In my long experience encouraging addicts to turn their lives around, I see I have been 100% unsuccessful. Trying harder was my response.
Yes they noticed when I stopped getting between them and consequences of their behavior, but since I had no effect on them in the first place I finally knew there was no point to continuing my own nonsense. I am worthy of better behavior, too. It was so self-negating how I had responded to huge disappointments. This was mainly because I had expected this time will be different. I'll re-double my efforts and someone else will be changed. ouch!
Learning I am not their higher power is so liberating.
Hello Thorn!
As a newbie to the program (I still say that after 9 months), I often feel the same way you do. I know that life is easier when I don't react or engage or "pick up the tug-of-war rope", but I can't help but feel that this is not standing up for myself. I don't want the A to think that they can say anything to me and about me and I will just "take"it. But in the end, I feel much more serene if I just let that rope lie where it was tossed. It is hard to make these changes, but the little bit of light spoken of earlier in the thread is what reinforces to me that I am on the right track. I do like the idea that I have permission to take the best care of me first and foremost. That is the way of living that will serve me best and help me remain the truest and best version of me. And then I am free....truly free.
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Well.....I am and have always been 'one to win'.....so I had to change my thinking. I decided that when I did not engage or react, and chose to ignore or not dance during the 'chaos and drama' fests in my home that I did win. I find it so much more liberating to win by taking the high road and filling my brain with Al-Anon slogans than to consider what they are saying (nonsense usually), carefully construct a response that 'might have them see my way', and then deliver - knowing the roof is going to fly off the house as it typically did....
So - I don't feel like a doormat when I don't engage. I feel like a spiritual being who has chosen to not engage in FFP (far from perfect) conversation that feels like it's a bait/switch statement/moment.
I too grew up like Betty described. I made sure I 'won' with my words, got the last word in, drove my point home, and felt good about it. That is until I did the step work required in this program. I then realized that I was stubborn, selfish, self-centered and felt that my way was often, if not always, the better way. The program and steps opened my heart and mind to be 100% A-OK with making my decision proudly to not engage with or dignify the negative comments from my qualifiers.
There are moments where I have and for me, the step work I've done makes me feel guilty when I do. I was never able to 'help them see the light before' - with the program, I now realize that they need to find that light on their own.
Great thread - thanks for the post - work on you and it will all be different/better - you'll see!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
AlAnon is an honest program. We are brutally honest with ourselves about what we think about any situation and if we have any part in it. It also tells us that we don't have to tell others about our brutal honesty and our self revelations. Sometimes it is just better to keep our mouths shut and walk away than to open up the pandora's box. You know the truth about the situation. You know your own mind. You know what will happen when you react to garbage coming out of someone else. Keep taking care of yourself.
