The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a situation where a friend has done something thoughtless, or rather, another in a line of long thoughtless things of the same kind, a kind that assumes a lot of sacrifice on my part and none on hers. This dynamic has been going on for years, but in my unhealthiness I always thought, "I just have to put up with this, even though it hurts." Now I realize that's not my only option.
My friend's family has a lot of alcoholics, though I think she isn't one. She has the same behavioral dynamics as alcoholics in many ways, though.
Anyway, I need to speak up. This is the number 1 hardest thing for me - my practice, as in my family of origin, was to suffer in silence and resentment for years, and then finally to be pushed too far and blow up and say hurtful and unhelpful things.
Now I' m thinking "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean."
The problem is that this situation has gone on for so many years that I get overwhelmed as soon as I think about it. This last episode has been going on for six weeks, but every time I think about it, I get furious, teary, and panicky.
The longer I let it go, the worse the situation gets, so I'm not helping myself by staying quiet. However, the part about "don't say it mean" is not working very well. Every time I contemplate saying something, however nicely I start the sentence in my mind, by the end of the sentence I'm crying and being overwhelmed and being mean. That's not even in real life - that's just in my mind!
So I'm looking for some ESH on how you have handled difficult conversations without losing your cool.
Mattie, everyone has different stumbling blocks.
I know for me, one of the easiest parts of my "new me" has been calmly stating what i will or won't do or tolerate and then sitting back and letting people adjust. That's proved to be quite easy for me.
And one of the hardest is not jumping in to situations my heart gets excited about...which is something you seem to be exceptionally good at managing.
I don't know that i can offer much help without a little more specific information?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi Mattie I find if I start the sentence with I and am determined to not point a finger of blame or judgment and to adhere to my priniciples of treating everyone with courtesy and respect it works out well.
For Ex my sister is always late so if I wanted to address this with her I would say "I am very upset over your lateness eveytime we make plans . I usually need to take 2 trains and a bus to connect with you and must be on time for each schedule and then when i arrive after a 2 hour trip to find you late it is upsetting. We need to make better plans so that this does not keep happening. Do you have any suggestions?
Practice it here you will be fine.
I guess the problem is not the phrasing exactly, but that as I imagine starting to say it, I get so overwhelmingly resentful and bitter that I abandon my resolve to "not say it mean."
In normal circumstances, I would take this as a sign that I need to get more distance and serenity before I do anything. But in these circumstances, the longer I put off saying something, the worse the situation gets, which means I get more resentful and bitter... So I'm in a vicious circle.
I guess the question is how to keep my cool in the moment, when the emotions are intense and where I'm not doing myself any good by walking away. I guess maybe that means I say my piece by e-mail. But even thinking about it makes steam come out my ears. Boy, is this a lesson not to let things go for years and years! But I didn't know then what I know now, so I thought being in a terrible situation was normal. I guess looking at my part in it (sticking around and thereby giving a kind of tacit approval for the situation) can help.
Mattie - I don't know if this helps you or not, but I do better over the telephone than face to face with these types of situations.
My ex. - I have a cousin (the emotional one is what we all call her) who lost her mother 10 years ago. The death was unexpected and there was conflict among the siblings surrounding the estate. Anyways, I became friendly - even close to her - as I knew she needed the help/support.
So - she's a huge gossip.....She knows I can't stand that so she does a good job with me of not doing it. However, she has loose lips when she drinks. Anyhoo - I shared with her that I had a cash stash in case I needed to 'make a break' for it. Well, she shared that at a holiday to another cousin within ear-shot of my AH....I didn't know any of this until I got home and he confronted me.
This was not an isolated incident. I was beyond angry at her. So, I stopped all contact until I could process. It took me almost 5 months to be able to share with her exactly what happened, the output/outcome of her loose lips and made it clear that I could not continue my relationship with her if I had to worry about what she would/might repeat at any time under any circumstances.
We are friendly again, but not like before. I've learned to not share anything beyond my sponsor and program friends and sponsor just for my own sanity. I was as kind as I could be and she was very sorry for what happened. I was very firm and had written down what I wanted to say before I placed the call. I did not want to get preachy, condescending, sappy, etc. so I had my facts with I statements and shared as needed. I was clearly willing to walk away from the relationship if necessary - it did not need to happen.
So - my point - write about it, talk about it (sponsor), pray about it and then take action as you are guided...
Sorry that this is upsetting to you - I hope this helps some....good luck and good program to ya!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
