The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm here to learn. I recently started dating a man who is fifteen years sober. Understandably, AA is a significant portion of his life, but I know very little about it.
I do know something about alcoholism. My father's family is just chock full of alcoholics. My mother kept me away from that side of the family, but I am aware that every single paternal relative of mine either was an alcoholic or married to one. Despite Mother's efforts to distance me from all that, I still managed to pick an alcoholic for my own first "serious" relationship in my early twenties.
In retrospect, he wasn't my worst pick. It seems I had a thing for punishing myself with unsuitable lovers. In fact, I recently spent a few years in deliberate celibacy, taking time for reflection on my own identity and self-esteem issues. I needed to get my own self in order before dating again. I did a little spiritual housecleaning, moved to the desert, and started a new chapter. As the dust settled, I decided it was finally time to end my solitude. This time around, I had a clear outline of the relationship I wanted, and I took my time looking for a match.
I found that match, I think, in this man. I am not naive about alcoholism. If he were less than a couple years sober, I'd probably run for the hills. The fact that he has maintained sobriety for fifteen years, though, is a strength. I admire his wisdom, honesty, and spiritual accomplishment- traits developed through the intensive introspection of AA. Of course, he is so much more than the AA, but it is a huge part of him and I want to better understand it.
...thoughts, observations, book suggestions, etc., greatly appreciated. :)
Welcome alanon face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number can be found in the white pages . Alcoholism is chronic three fold disease that affects people, spiritually, emotionally and physically. It not only affect the person who drinks but the family as well.
Alanon offers new constructive tools to live by as we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, live one day at a time trusting power greater than ourselves.
Keep coming back .
Wow. Yeah, I'm in the right place. I've had a master class in manipulation courtesy of my son's father, and I'm well versed in mind-games. The ploys for empathy, the emotional baiting, the displaced blame- I know these songs all too well. It took me five years to recover to the point that I even *wanted* a relationship again. I've probably been unknowingly working through the steps over here in solitude. Well, not total solitude- I am friends with my ex's other exes. The three of us are each in a different stage- one moved on in a healthy relationship with new husband and baby, me in the middle just trying to date again, and the third still caught in his storm. The more I read, the more I realize that the three of us have stumbled our way through much of this stuff in our own tiny support group.
So, I have to correct myself: I'm not just here to learn for the guy in AA. I'm here to put a name to everything I've been living.
Aloha Z and welcome to the board. That is a pretty interesting post on your part and while one of my immediate questions was "Why"? I understand your courage to learn from strangers who may have many solutions to the dilemma of living with an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic is not a normal human being as you have already expressed...he had to cease a certain way of living to learn a different way of living and then practice what he has learned on a daily basis in order to continue living in a manner which insures sobriety and sanity and spirituality. We live on a level that is as much more abnormal than while even drinking to excess. We become different a different we won't surrender to any lesser power including our favorite alcoholic drink.
How did I learn? sit down with the elders, listen with a wide open mind, ask questions respectfully, practice, practice, practice and report back with more questions...repeat daily. Then give it away to a newcomer and watch them work it also.
I welcome you also Z - glad you found us and glad you joined us.
To better understand an Alcoholic as well as the recovery, my best suggestions are to read the literature from either/both programs. Also, you can attend some open AA meetings - the speakers share: What it used to be like..... What happened.... And what it's like now. I love speaker meetings as it truly gives me a visual in my head of the miracle that recovery is.
Any/all literature will assist you. There may be sections you skip, maybe not. The best part about recovery is it's a personal journey that we each get to decide what pace we move at and how we do it. The suggested format is working the 12 Steps - I've known some who've worked them once and were done, others who worked them over and over again , still others who took years to work half the steps. In addition to the steps, we use the literature to keep us grounded and focused as well as sponsorship for guidance.
You are possibly very accurate that your small group, on your quest for closure and peace have been in your own mini recovery! HTH!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
