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I'll be attending my 1st Al Anon meeting tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should even be asking this, because I am now understanding that this isn't about asking advice it is about me. But what do you do when you do need some direction and feel totally lost about what to do? I have been married for 4 yrs to a man that was a raging alcoholic for the 1st 2 years. I was preparing to leave him, when just under 2 yrs ago he became very ill/bloated and nearly died. He was diagnosed with Cirrhosis/End Stage Liver Disease. He was told "drink again you will die". He asked me to stay because he understood how serious it was. He quit. He really did, and he was a new person. A completely different person. Slowly, he became depressed, which made sense, as he only has 30% use of his liver, and even sober, he isn't well. He takes 30 pills a day, suffers from Hepatic encephalapy, and sleeps a lot. Unable to work. He stopped leaving the house. He picked fights with my son (19 years old) and focused on all of the things that are wrong with my son in his view. He hasnt' been a picnic to live with the last 8 months. He always refused to go to AA (said he'd gone years ago and hated it - he has been in rehab 3 times when he was younger - I was not part of that picture.. in fact he hid that from me). He said alcohol was "no problem/no issue" it was easy to quit when he knew it was life or death and that I shouldn't ever worry about it... then it happened. I came in the house, and he was wasted. Started the verbal assault/screaming curse words. I WANT OUT. Frankly, he has ruined my life and I have to support him?? I don't love him anymore the first 2 years of our marriage killed that. The only reason I've stayed is because he's been sober and nice and honestly - the real reason? He has no one else. His own family won't have anything to do with him. After this incident - I want to throw him out. But how does one do that knowing that he has no money (hasn't worked in 2 years I make a high income and I've supported him), will end up homeless and dead all alone. He has not one friend and the family that he doesn't talk to is 900miles away. How do I live with that? Because I do feel that if I kick him out I am in effect signing his death certificate. He'll die alone on the street. But I can't live that life again. This feels like an impossible choice.
-- Edited by ShellyM on Tuesday 15th of December 2015 08:39:16 PM
-- Edited by ShellyM on Tuesday 15th of December 2015 09:07:33 PM
I do know that it is supposed to be about me and not the alcoholic. I truly am looking forward to working on myself and starting this program. My Dad was an alcoholic and I should have done this a long time ago. But sometimes you do need some help about what in the world to do from people who can relate in some way to what you are actually facing.
Welcome Shelly I am glad that you reached out and intend on attending alanon meetings shortly. It is suggested that you make no major changes in your life until you are in program for 6 months unless you are in a dangerous situation. Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. It might be helpful if you consulted an attorney to see what financial obligations you might have for his care since you are the sole support, he is ill and not employed.
No one will tell you what to do but we do offer new constructive tools to live by. Most importantly, we are urged keep the focus on ourselves, live one day at a time, not project to the future, nor dwell in the past. Please keep coming back There is hope
Thank you - so much. Just in the reading I've done tonight I am starting to understand - even since posting my original question! I'm a little afraid of going to the meeting, but I know I need help and my life definitely isn't manageable right now! The more I think about, the more liberating it is to just think about it not being my issue, but his. I've allowed his problems to become mine, and I suppose that is why I feel the need to "DO SOMETHING" (ie: "fix" my problem). But why? Weirdly, it gives me a sense of relief to know that I dont have to in fact..do something...at this very moment. My family is telling me and asking me twice a day what "I AM DOING" to get him out, etc...but its true -- what do I need to do? His problem. Only mine if I allow it. That is going to be much easier said than done, but I am catching on.
Aloha Shelly and welcome to the board...you are in the right place now and I hope you commit to staying. Cirrhosis and end stage alcoholism...not even God can turn that around. An alcoholic can by surrendering his ego and pride and reaching out to other alcoholics who have made the change and then...he won't go right? You could be wrong because he is consumed by fear at the outcome and the shame he would feel sitting among other recovering AA fellows. I was so scared I was rageful and it lasted for 9 years until a Higher Power stepped into my life to rearrange how I was doing things. He can get sober when he gets humble because getting humble is being teachable...you are not qualified to teach him. Another recovering alcoholic could do it and then...when will he decide to ask? Al-Anon is for you...keep putting down his problem and go after yours. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Welcome Shelly - it's my hope that by now, you've made it to the meeting in your area. I am hopeful it was great and that you found a fellowship of caring, receptive folks.
I love your progress in your posts. You are absolutely correct that the only decisions you need to make today and any that affect you and your peace. I have 3 qualifiers, and when I started the program and others asked me what I was going to do about this, that or the other - my standing response became, "I am processing." After stating this no less than what feels like 1,000 times, they stopped asking and I was in a much better place to stay on my side of the street, establish healthy boundaries for self-protection/self-preservation and take each day to seek out joy and peace within my small part of the world.
So, keep your focus on you, this program, and seeking peace/joy for you one day at a time, and it will be just fine. I am sorry for the progress of this disease on your husband. This disease is so powerful - it's clearly in charge of his life - even without daily consumption. One thing that so many think is that AA is about stopping drinking. It's not that - it's about how to live life without the obsession of the alcohol. The disease affects all aspects of a human - mental, physical, emotional and spiritual - so if he's removed the alcohol, that's just one element of recovery. All the 'isms' are untreated within him.
(((hugs))) - keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much for the support and kind words. They mean more than you probably know. I did attend my first Al Anon meeting. I know I'm in the right place and I am going to another on Saturday morning. I couldn't speak or share anything, which I felt bad about but honestly I knew if I opened my mouth I would break into sobbing which would have persisted the entire time. I still can't explain how relieved I feel that I don't have to "DO something" -- I've always been a "fixer" - probably because my Dad was an alcoholic. Which is probably why for the most part my past relationships and certainly my husband were people who needed "fixing". I have so much to learn.
I love the "I am processing" - its perfect. My Mother will be hearing that quite a lot I have a feeling! I am relieved to only have to work on me. Just me. I don't think that's been the case my entire life. Growing up, I felt responsible for my Mom in some ways due to my father's alcoholism. Then I always seemed to pick those "broken wing syndrome" boyfriends. Followed by my husband who has far more things broken than just a wing!
I have hope. I want myself back. I've gotten lost in here somehow. I dont even enjoy the things that I used to love. For the first time in years, I have some hope.
Welcome! With the support of MIP, face to face meetings, reading all of the material you can and the love and support of your friends and family it will help tremendously. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are doing! It is all about YOU.
This is a journey that takes time. I found change
And growing Very hard. I just sat and listened,
Learned and absorned the wisdom for a long
Time. I cried a lot too,Thats okay. You do not
need to speak till you are ready just say pass.
Most of us come from dysfunction and/or alcoholism,
Then we marry into it. You will learn so many wonderful
Things in alanon the biggest and best is self love with
Your HP holding your hand giving you the courage and
Stength to grow and change on the inside.
You learn to be gentle and kind to yourself. I Try
to be around good positive healthy people that
help me on my journey.
((((ShellyM)))) - YAY for you that you made it to a meeting! YAY for you that you plan to go again on Saturday! It is 100% OK to not share, it's 100% OK to cry, it's 100% to laugh, pass, leave early, arrive late - it's your program and your recovery.
I am and was like you.....once I figured out that I was only responsible for me, and not for fixing others, helping others, leading others, curing others, I felt I could breathe and 'go'. I moved forward and have slowly managed to recoup my joy and peace. I still have moments where I feel 'off' or 'sad' or '??', but am quickly able to regroup by coming here, going to a meeting, working a step, talking to a sponsor, etc.
Life's too short to live it for others - I feel I was put here to be happy, joyous and free so that's my goal. My family is very, very broken yet I am still at peace. Grateful, grateful ... so grateful for Al-Anon and those who came before me!
Keep doing 'you' one moment at a time, one day at a time!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
