The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi there - it's been a few months since I posted on here.
I came to this forum on account of a woman I had met whilst we were both in rehab and the subsequent relationship we had after we left. I have remained sober for nearly 20 months time but she relapsed as soon as she left.
Contact was difficult and sporadic. We met up several times and I tried to help her detox but to no avail. The last few months had been hard, she'd been assaulted several times and was keeping bad company. Conversations were very dark, bleak and she wouldn't accept help although she realises the damage. If I went several weeks without hearing from her it was normal. I sent texts saying how much I cared and love her and sent her little presents to know I was thinking of her.
Last week I learned she had been found dead in her house by her parents, alone and she'd been there several days. She was 38, intelligent, beautiful and vital with two young daughters. I'm devastated. We texted a few days before she died and she was trying to stop. I feel the standard guilt I should have done more. Her death was a death I narrowly avoided on many occasions and something my loved ones expected.
I'm fortunate, I've remained sober, got back to work and have all my friends and family back. Only 3 of the nearly 100 people I did treatment with are still sober. This though is a hard one to swallow. I loved this woman and now she is dead and her death was a horrible one. Im keeping busy, or at least trying to and working my programme. It's just hard and I have so much sadness. My father died an alcoholic death on December 24th 2007 so I struggle anyway this time of year. Just in a lot of pain!
Paul I am so very sorry to read of the passing of" Your Lady" Please remember that this is a dreadful , fatal disease over which we are powerless.You were a compassionate, friend that offered empathy and kindness to her and that was a great gift.
I am so pleased that you have been able to remain sober during this difficult time. Good work.
You are not alone. Please keep coming back . Attending meetings during this difficult time will be very helpful . I know when I lost my son to this disease, the fellowship offered understanding , compassion and hope .
Meetings, Meetings, Meetings Paul. Continue with the humility and being taught as you are at one of our triggers for going back out ourselves. The death of a loved one we have been trying to help is one of the ultimate signs that we are worth less to our egos and pride and for me that made me want to go network with a solid true friend...booze. There is no justification for drinking...none at all and you are in the Higher Power realm. God will do for you what you cannot and sometimes will not do for yourself. Got your sponsors number? and the numbers of your local fellowship. Suggestions from Hawaii. I will continue prayers for the alcoholics caught in this fatal disease. (((((hugs)))))
Paul - I too am sending condolences your way - so very, very sorry for the loss of your lady friend. I too went to treatment many moons ago, and within the year, only 2 remained sober. The odds are against recovery, as the disease is just that powerful. Please try to hold on to what you did vs. what you did not do or wished you would have done. Yesterday, and all the days before that are already in the past and at least, she is now at peace.
Remember How It Works (Ch. 5) and read it over and over - go to meetings for both side or either side of the table and choose to be gentle with yourself. I am also sorry about the upcoming anniversary of your father's passing. I understand how those days/dates of lost ones can trigger a host of things - hold onto the moment and what is good. Gratitude lists are very helpful when my heart is turned upside down/sideways/backwards.
We are here for you - keep coming back and I've got you in my thoughts and prayers!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks guys and yes, I'm staying close to both the people and the principles that have kept me going so far.
Guilt is the principle emotion. The last exhange of texts we exchanged that was probably four days before she died she kept asking about Valium and how long it stayed in your system. I tried to objectively advise her that non-medicated detoxes are dangerous and stated how much I was given when I had them in hospital. My worry is she took too much and her tiny body, so ravaged by alcohol could not take it. I understand this kind of thinking is typical but I wish our last exhange of contact hadn't been that.
On the plus side I shared on social media a poem I'd written about her which was composed when we were in treatment and she was very much sober and very much alive and I sent to her when she'd left and she really loved. Her mum read it and thanked me for the words. That's a very small consolation.
So very sorry for your loss Paul. Glad you reached out to us here. As Betty said you are not alone. It sounds to me like you tried everything possible to help your friend. Sometimes the only way out of this disease unfortunately is death. It's totally beyond our control. I lost my older brother to a drug overdose. I wish he was still here and that I could've done more to help him. It's normal to feel like that. (((HUGS)))
