The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since moving to Germany 3 months ago I have no English meetings here, and I became used to going at least once a week for the past year in London. I have been doing well though. But now Christmas is coming, and anxiety is setting in! I am supposed to take my mother to Spain to stay with my family there.
The fact that I will go back and spend it with my alcoholic mother is not so much the worry. She has korsakoff's dementia quite severly (caused by alcohol abuse) and liver cirrhosis, but I live in the moment with her, and we have a lot of laughs and I try to accept her for what she is - an amazing woman coming to the end of her life of addiction, who can still give me good advice, be loving, and have interesting perspectives on things, even if she cannot anymore look after herself and depends on carers (she used to depend on me).
The thing that is making me the most anxious is seeing my extended family. Before moving to Germany I was given all of the responsibility for my mother's care because most of the family live abroad. In the end I put myself first and moved to Germany, after securing carers for my mother and I have been thriving here again, finally. My grandmother who lives in Spain is in denial about my mother's condition, and has suggested the reason my mother falls over so often and has broken her arm, shoulder, and foot, is due to a balance problem in her ear!
I know I should not take it personally, and I need to keep it simple, but when I start jumping down logical conclusions with my thoughts I feel so hurt... Does my grandmother think I lived caring for my mother for 10 months because she is disabled by an ear infection? Has she not listened every time I have told her I found my mother unconscious and bruised, surrounded by wine, on the floor of our house? This was happening several times a week, and she knows it.
The idea of spending Christmas with my mother is not so easy, but I somehow will see the gold in it - I really love her and I know I cannot change or control her, and now these is little hope she is this far down the path (she is not expected to live long, even if she were abstinent). But the idea of spending it with my extended family who are in denial is too much. I feel it personally, the sting of it. It feels like they are also denying the pain I have been through living in an alcoholic household. I don't know whether I should confront my grandmother about it. I already asked her by email gently "but did you ever remember a time she fell over with an ear infection in the past?" and she said yes, two times. but this was over 10 years ago. I am just a few clicks away from trying to break her denial, but somehow I don't feel this is very Al-Anon savvy of me.
I am given the responsibility of taking my mother to Spain for 5 days for Christmas to visit my grandmother, but when I raised the possibility that the flights might have to be cancelled because my mother has a newly broken arm from a drunken fall and is very weak, my grandmother really begs me. She asks: Can't I come for longer? Can't I extend the flights? Can't easyjet help shepard my mother around? Can't I change my mother's hospital appointments? Can't I get a catsitter for longer? The question that really gets me for guilt is : Won't it improve your mother, won't she feel better if you bring her?
I could go, but maybe I don't want to. Maybe I want to continue to put myself first. It took me a long time to detatch with love and put my own life first again, and I am loving it now. Maybe I want to continue what has been so good for me these last few months, and Keep It Simple.
Thanks for listening, and any advice or support you have would be most appreciated by you, the people who are in this process of recovery :)
First, welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you shared. I love that you are active in the Al-Anon program, and so sorry that you can't find English speaking meetings in Germany - that's too bad! We do have 2 meetings twice daily here, and they are awesome! Check the top left for the times and the link to the meeting chat room.
Two things that came to mind as I read your post is, "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean." This so helps me when I feel I am being pulled in a direction that I don't want to go. Around this same theme, I am one who will not always respond lovingly when I feel backed into a corner, so the "Let me think about that." helps me pause long enough to consider a kind response, that still means No.
The second is One Day at a Time. I'm keeping this in my mind today as my parents arrive Saturday for 2 weeks......they are older and truly lovely guests (meaning, it could and they could be way worse) but they are set in their ways and judgmental. I have to remind them each year how broken my family is as they can't remember. I also have to repeat it often while they're here as they can't retain. Both of these scenarios bring anxiety as well as sadness as I truly wish things weren't the way they are.
So, living in the moment is such a lovely tool that helps right-size me, my thinking and my responses. Relying on my HP helps me to avoid reacting, and pausing with my mouth shut makes it all go much smoother. Of course, I truly do not want to worry about Saturday or the 2 weeks following - I truly want to stay in the day. So - I keep focusing on that for today!
Keep coming back and try an online meeting/two/three! You will be amazed at how lovely they truly are! Glad you are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Natasha I am glad that you found us and shared your concerns Denial is a powerful tool that many use, unless they are, like you and have found program and are working at it.
I can understand your Grandmother's denial of her child's true illness. You are a good daughter and grand daughter. I am happy you are receiving support from alanon, as it is here I found the understanding and compassion I needed.
Could you take a" carer" with you when you go to visit so that you would not have all the burden?
Thank you for your reply, I will keep feeling thankful for the program and proud of all the work I've done over the year, and see that it helps me through the next 2 weeks! Thanks :)
Thanks Iamhere, "say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean" is a great motto and I will remember it for when I am in Spain! I think that, and taking lots of calming walks in the mountains where I willl be staying will help me to difuse any potential arguments. Cool it down and think before I want to say anything. I should try and remember it is a holiday too!
