The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner has struggled with addiction the entire 13 years we've been together. We've always made it through each "episode" together, quite worse for wear but learning more each time. I'm afraid this one is going to break us, and I'm desperate for it to not break me in the process. I've only been to 3 Al-Anon meetings so far, but I know that these lessons are ones I need to learn. I'm afraid I've lost myself and I need to find my way back, for myself but also for my young kids. She has moved out of the house now. Says she needs "space" to focus on getting healthy so we can have a healthy future. But she isn't making any healthy choices. She's drinking, smoking, taking pills, and in the middle of an affair with a coworker. She refused detox, IOP, rehab, all of it. She's going to crash and burn hard, and I am struggling with myself to not pick up the pieces for her this time. The hardest part is watching my kids cry for their mom and know that she is too messed up to even care about them right now.
How do you detach? How do you let go when you've been so enmeshed for so long? How do you deal with the anger, pain, hurt from always putting someone first in your life and realizing that you have never and will never be first for them?
Welcome itsjustmenow. So pleased that you have alanon meetings and are attending. You are not alone and there is hope and help available. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive , fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. You did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. So that it makes sense to focus attention on ourselves and our own recovery.
AA is the recovery program for the alcoholic and, as you have found, Alanon is the program for family members. As you have noted living with the disease ,we deveolp many negative coping tools that make our needs invisible and we lose ourselves and our self esteem disappears.
Attending meetings helps to break the isolation caused by living with the disease, and practicing the steps, slogans and simple tools helped to restore my self esteem and self worth while we let go of the anger, resentment and fear that we have held deep within.
Please keep coming back.
It did for me, i was very slow to change.
My head was full of the information it also
needed to trickle down Into my heart and soul.
Its not easy. I still struggle 6 months post
Divorce. I could not detach till after i moved
Away from him. Others seem to Be able to do it.
Basically the concept is for you to get into you
And for you to get healthy and much better then
maybe with your changes in attitude The other
person will also embrace recovery.
Lots of maybes i know, you can only change
Yourself. Stay on your side of the street, no
Enabling. There is so much to learn in Alanon
so that we can get better Ourselves.
Thank you hotrod and Mirandac. That resonated with me, about knowing in your head but it taking a while to get to your heart. I do know that my responses to her behaviors are unhealthy. I know I need to set strong boundaries and hold them firm. But I always cave and want so badly to believe her lies. Even if I don't want to admit it, I do know deep down that a separation is going to be good for me, to allow me to step back and take time for myself and my kids instead of focusing all my time and energy on her and her issues. I'm so unhealthy right now that I've lost almost 20lbs in the past month and a half. I know this is an unsustainable way of living. So someone tell my heart to stop hurting so much and get with the program already!
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared.
I too am glad to see you have found local Al-Anon meetings and have attended a few. Like those above me, I encourage you to keep attending. Those meetings and the ones here (2 times a day, look at the top left area) kept me 'alive' so to speak. I was, like you and many, the one who kept cleaning up the messes and getting more and more depressed, resentful and just tired of the whole bit.
It's not my job to protect my qualifiers from themselves. When I got into the program, worked on me and kept the focus on me, the consequences began to 'hit home'. As they started to deal with the natural consequences of their actions/decisions, many things changed. Beyond the three C(s) Betty mentioned, some of my early crutches were the slogans of One Day at a Time + Live and Let Live.
So, choose you, choose recovery and work on doing the next right thing for you and your kids. You and they deserve joy and a healthy life - work towards that and just let everything else be for right now.
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
