The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After a couple of weeks with good conversations with my qualifier that I do not live with (some yesterday) he sent me a scathing email last night on how yesterday was the anniversary of an action on my part that caused his major depression. After I got the email I called him and told him very calmly that I was not living in the past. I was staying in the present moment and politely got off the phone. I know that I did not cause this. He was on a slippery slope and gradually falling in to the black hole. Earlier, he had asked if we could have dinner this weekend and I said ok. Now I am rethining dinner. Not sure I want to play in the sandbox. But it is Christmas and I dont know what I want to do
pj. You are correct We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. We are indeed powerless over people, places and things. I found that by working the steps 4 through 10, I was able to review my action in the past, find my part in the disagreement, own it and offer an amend. Simply keeping an open mind on a situation,and learning how to validate myself was a true gift of this program. Keep on keeping on.
Thank you Betty, I am so thankful for having this program. Today my prayer is that my higher power will handle this and help my recognize his will for me...
A night out with a qualifier is an unknown experience! I have come to just expect nothing and plan for the worst. In my experience, I always take my own car. I make sure I can excuse myself if needed/wanted at any point and have my own ride, my own plan, and depend on just me to get there and get home.
If you want to go, go. Just make sure you have your program tools with you, your boundaries in mind and your own ride and no matter what happens, you'll get through it to the other side.
(((hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Whether or not it is Christmas should have no bearing on what you do..... but of course it does. You have to take care of yourself.
I always wonder how I am so powerful that I can CAUSE someone else to think or feel something. Wow, if I am so powerful maybe I can MAKE them do something good rather than always have it be the bad thing. I know I really have no power over anyone else.
Thank you Mary Jane and Iamhere for your response. I need all the help I can get. It is hard to know the right thing to do.
Since I posted earlier he has decided not to come up today maybe tomorrow because he is not feeling well. He has texted a few times and it is all about him. I responded once to say I hope everything works out for him and he feels better. Last night he was having a pity party and in the past I would have taken the bait. There would have been a blow out and then he would say "There you go freaking out on everything". On top of depression that I did not cause, there are bipolar issues, in my opinion, lol.By the way I am not a physician! It was very unfortunate that he sent that email to me last night after weeks of very good conversations. I was beginning to feel like we might be making progress. Today, I have ignored calls and the way I feel right now, dinner is not happening. No reason to waste money on a dinner that will not be enjoyed...
Thank you Debbie... My life is a mess right now.. I am trying to let go and let God handle it.. But hard when he is acting pitiful.. He is playing me like he always has..
I'm new here so I don't know your story, but why are you in contact with him, still? Are you in a position to block phone numbers, Facebook, e-mail?
Even people with mental illness can make choices. They can turn the car right or left. They can't blame anyone for the direction they turn but themselves. If you cut the cord, they can't control you.
My ex tried controlling me after I blocked her, knowing JUST how to pull my strings. Everything from getting my friends and family members to deliver messages for her, to tugging at my heartstrings by saying her father was dying (still no obituary for him, so I don't know if that was fake or what) and she needed me to babysit her grown teenage boys.
It's difficult, especially when they know how to get to you. I think backing off of dinner would be wise. There seem to be lots of good people here, so I'll bet you that on Christmas, when you're feeling low, people will be here for you.
Seymore, My excuse for not blocking him is that I still love him and after 30+ years, children, grandchildren I have been under probably false illusion that we were progressing to a possible meaningful relationship. Silly me... I didn't meet him for dinner. He turned it around to make it something it wasn't and my reaction was that he had free choice to do whatever he wanted. In the past I would have run to his emotional rescue. BTW, in his mind I am responsible for his depression that he suffers from since I left. I want and will tell him that no one has that power over him but the right time hasn't surfaced yet. It will because he is pulling all his tricks out..
I continue to pray to my HP and I feel like he helped me not react and put this in it's proper perspective.... but I still struggle..
I understand. Thanks for clarifying. You are certainly not responsible. And you can tell him anything you want but it won't make a difference. Silence speaks loudest, I've found.
Aloha pj and thanks for the opportunity to watch your growth experience and check off the similarities of how we as a family work this recovery. Your description of the relationship is inspiring and reminds me of the one I was taught (only one of the many) which is "I love you. I love having you here and I don't need you". The truth of no needing was huge for me because it released me of the shackles that kept me bound to my alcoholic/addict with false beliefs.
You don't have to play in the sand box. Sand is often gritty and it chafes a lot especially if it gets in your eyes when they throw it up in the air. Bless you pj...mahalo. (((hugs)))
Seymour, it is very hard to not come back to him with all the dates that trigger horrible memories for me. But that has never solved anything as he would turn it around. Frankly I am tired of his antics. His feelings are the only ones that matter. I might love him but I might have to love him from across the street. Sad but true..
Jerry, thanks for your ESH. Today has been hard to not respond with my feelings matter. But he would just let loose with a verbal attack. I'm not going to give him the pleasure of attacking me.
Both of you have validated that I need to get out and stay out of the sandbox to stay safe emotionally... I am so glad I found all of you...
OK, So my H asked me to dinner a couple nights ago. Looking back on the dinner I realized once again he is manipulating me. He claims he knows nothing about the scathing email he sent me last week. So someone hijacked his email, really? I really didn't say much.
Then he just started spinning stories on how we need to split everything up. He needs that for healing. It's all about him. Now this is the guy that wanted to know why I was not returning ALL his phone calls this past weekend. It is Christmas and he has to create chaos. Granted yesterday was not a good day but today is good. The sun is shining and my new life is good. I do love him but I can't get in his chaos... Every holiday there is chaos.. He is not actively drinking but.... the urge to create chaos around me will likely never end. Sad to me but I think I will have to love him from across the street...One day at a time...
