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I keep getting myself into relationship problems. Just when things are finally making progress with my current bf, him being sober for 3 months, an ex will show up from the dark and my old feelings that I had buried comes rushing back. This has got to do with my first husband. We were together for 2 years and legally married for 7 months before he left. Alcoholism was active in both of us. I was very much dead over heals in love with him and even though its been 25 years since we have been together, that love for him has never left me. He moved on with his life, remarried had a child, divorced, just like I had. I had 2 children from my 2nd husband and we too divorced over 6 years ago. I have since had bf but so far never remarried. 4 years ago, through Facebook my 1st ex-husband and I reconnected. I have been an emotional roller coaster since. All those feelings have resurfaced and I want to reconnect so badly with him, yet I see many red flags. He is not working at a job, not in a recovery program, denies he has addiction issues, moody, depressed, living with his parents, has medical issues where he has blackouts. His drivers license was suspended because of that. He says all the right things and my heart just goes wild and I become obsessed with him all over again and I start comparing him with my current bf, the good and bad. He lives over 3,000 miles away and has asked me to move there and be with him and restart our lives all over again. I have asked him to come here and see me and he says he can not as does not have any money. He has asked me to pay for his plane ticket to come and see me. He does not work. My heart wants to but I keep seeing red flags. I see he is looking for a mother to take care of him and I am so tired of mothering adult men. In addition, he is hot and cold toward me. One day he will talk on video chat with me and laugh and talk and dream of life together and the next day, he will not respond to my messages. He admits he needs to get into NA but has not taken any steps. he claims to have stopped drinking but has addiction to pills. He has all these dreams and in the 25 years he has not done anything about them. I see that I have worked so hard to be where I am today that I fear giving it up. I have a university degree, two wonderful children, a bf that finally stopped drinking 3 months, working full time, has strong beliefs in god, knows about recovery and we have a comfortable house together. To me this is a dream come true that I have wanted all my life and now the ex is filling my head with all the possibilities of what we could have together if I move to be with him. its like a dream and I know dreams do not come true without a lot of hard, hard work. I am at the age now 50 years old that I want to focus on saving money, travel, have a house, get remarried, work on recovery and have peace. I am not ready to go after a pipe dream. I feel so confused as my heart says yes, do what it takes to be with him and another is saying this is dangerous, look at what you will loose. I am so, so confused. I however do love the attention, laughter and loving words we share. Its like I am finally getting what I so need that my current bf is not giving me. I feel alive, loved and so happy when we talk and my heart feels so happy yet reality is different. I did pray about this and asked god to direct me and if its his will, let things work out between the ex and I and if not help me to let go and move on. I guess all I can do is wait on higher power to lead the way and meantime, continue with my program. I must admit it feel so good to hear loving words. I feel I have been starved of that from my current bf. I just needed to share this.
((Joker)) I do believe that by "Placing principles above personalities" you will know the next right action in this case. This unemployed ex with no money can afford to be charming. It certainly does sound like a "Pipe Dram to me . Be very careful
I would agree with Hotrod. Re-read your post. If this was written by someone else, could you see all the red flags. Be careful, your ex can afford to be charming and manipulating. Sending your prayers.
It sounds as if you are right (times a thousand!) about all the red flags. And if he is hot-and-cold and broke and chaotic and confusing at this distance, just think what it would be like in person over a period of time.
To me what sounds most important from what you've described is that your current bf is not loving towards you. You have unfulfilled needs. I know that when I have unfulfilled needs, and someone pops up who says the right words, I'm like a starving dog who smells food at last. I don't mean to disparage the feelings because they are powerful motivators and I have been led astray more than once. My needs keep saying "I need this! And I'm not getting it! And I need it." And I'm right that I need it. It's just that I can't get it from the source that is holding out false promises - all the men who try to trap me by dangling the bait of caring in front of me. They may even believe it themselves, that we'd make a great couple and so on. (Though sometimes, looking back, I see that they were just manipulators.) But anyone could have seen that they didn't really have it to offer, because their own lives were so chaotic and unstable and damaged.
One problem is that when I run into one of those men who's on-again-off-again, and who knows how to say the right thing, it triggers a kind of craving. Kind of like a need to get him and make him love me and keep loving me, and "win" at last. In the past I've often interpreted that craving as love and as a sign that we were "meant to be together." Now I think it was just a kind of emotional hangover from being rejected, a craving to "make it right" and finally get that love - in a situation where that simply wasn't going to work out the way I wanted it to.
I hope you'll take this as a sign that you need more caring in your life - maybe from your bf or from another, healthier bf down the line, or maybe from your friends, or your Al-Anon group, or your HP, or from all of them. But not from a hollow, damaged, and manipulative guy. Take good care of yourself!
Hi joker, You have received great wisdom from the other posts already. I just want to highlight something that resonated with me. You mentioned that your X has medical issues with blackouts and has lost his drivers license because of it. In my experience, this can be caused by alcohol abuse. It is not at all pleasant to live with and causes one crisis after another. If I had a choice, I would not voluntarily sign up for that. I heard an expression here, about loving someone from across the street. That's what I would prefer to do in this situation. Sending good wishes to you!
-- Edited by Freetime on Friday 11th of December 2015 02:10:46 PM
Joker, I have been where you are and it's not fun. That confused state where you feel like you could be in love with two people. I was very unfulfilled for many years while my AH went through active alcoholism as well as a pain pill addiction. With the Internet and social media it is extremely easy to connect with new people or people from your past. I can really relate to what Mattie said. If a guy was paying attention to me saying all the right things and I felt that "connection" with him I would think OMG we are soul mates! I have to follow my heart! When in reality my head was so gone from being married to an alcoholic. My AH just wasn't there for me and I so needed and wanted him to be. I was always head over heels for him and for awhile thought he felt the same for me but the disease ruined all that.
Enter early recovery--What I've been waiting for my AH to finally do for 18 years. He went to detox/rehab while I took care of the kids, house, dogs, etc. Then he comes home and all he does is sleep, eat, go to meetings and read his literature. No time for me or working on our marriage. Here comes that unfulfilled feeling again. I kept telling him how unhappy I was and that I needed more but he was in no position to work on me when he had so much work to do on him. He was just trying to figure out how to get through a day without taking a drink. I look back now and feel bad that I put all that on him but we are human and we all have needs and make mistakes.
It has been just over 6 months and things are much better between us. I was ready to walk out of the marriage a couple months ago although I had no idea how I would do it, but the thought crossed my mind many times. I'm so glad I stuck it out and gave it that 6 months to see where things could take us. I also had a bit of a health scare which knocked some sense back into me so instead of worrying when my husband would come around and start courting me again I had to worry about getting tests done and cancer. That really put things in perspective and I just feel it's HP working in mysterious ways.
Your ex doesn't sound like he has much to offer you right now except maybe love? And that's even questionable. My AH always says that during his active addiction he was not capable of loving anyone--not even himself. Looking at the other side of the picture, your ABF sounds like he is trying hard in his recovery. Maybe time will tell if you could have that relationship you've been waiting for with him. Recovery is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. I would not jump into anything while feeling so vulnerable. I would also think what would be best for my kids? The answers will come to you eventually. ((((HUGS)))
Oh boy Joker.......one thing I've learned in this program, as I am told to look at me, is my picker was broken. I've done a ton of work on me, and believe I now know what I want and need in my life for joy, serenity and peace. I am content in my current relationship/marriage, but he is 12 years older with health issues. I've done a ton of processing on how I will move forward if/when the time comes as both of my boys are 'distant'. If I project, I can quickly put myself into a fearful place, so I choose not to.
Having said that, I would totally prefer to be/live alone that mother another man. If I ever decide to look for another intimate relationship, I am hopeful that my picker has been repaired. I will say that I am not so sure I will, as I now know I don't need that (a man and/or a husband) to have peace and be happy. This disease has worn me to the bone, so I don't necessarily know exact what I will look for, but I do what will be a deal-breaker.
This has become my new norm - I don't always know exactly what I want/need, but by process of elimination, I can get closer. I do believe that my HP speaks to me in many ways. If you are 'feeling' uncomfortable, there's a red flag. If you are 'seeing' red flags, that's a freakin' stop sign for me...when in doubt, don't!!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
