The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So after I called a program friend for the first time she said a few things to try to help me feel compassionate towards my AH. She offered up the visual of wrapping him in a blanket and offering him up to HP because I can't manage him anymore (truth is I never could). Even though my first image was me wrapping the blanket around his neck LOL (just kidding) the way she talked about the disease as being separate from the individual really sunk in over the last few days. Just contemplating the idea used to make me so angry. I blamed my AH for every single aspect of his disease. And although I don't want to forget and am afraid of going back into denial about it I realize I can have some compassion. And I have a close friend I saw recently who appears to have an AH. She is not in program as far as I know. Anyway, we got to talking about her H and she brought up his recent failed attempt to cut back on his drinking that was almost the same thing my AH had been doing recently but how it didn't work. She said she doesn't say anything to him about it because it will just cause her more grief than it's worth and she ends up more upset at the end than he does. I agreed with her. And for once I found myself feeling sympathy for him. Not something I ever would have felt in the past. I would have felt frustration with him. I would have told her how she should stop him from drinking LOL (I can see how clearly insane I was). This time I just listened and agreed with her choice to not say anything and let him do what he is going to do and talked about what I do for myself when it bothers me. Then we moved on to more fun conversation topics. And on my way home I started to think about if I could have compassion for him maybe I could have compassion for my AH. Maybe there is room in my heart for that without throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I can love him from my side of the street. I have NEVER felt this way. It's always an all or nothing thing with me. Either I am completely encompassed in my relationship and in denial about him being an alcoholic OR I am acutely aware of his alcoholism and pushing him far away from me. When I think back this all started with my meeting last week where someone said they saw a speaker who said "it's OK to love an alcoholic" and how it resonated with her and how it is resonating with me now. Today I am really grateful for the program. I feel so much lighter and freer today. Thanks for reading.
Wow powerful share. Thanks for the ESH! I enjoy seeing people get to the places I want to be with my thinking because it tells me to keep coming and the program works :)
That's awesome thanks for shearing. I also noticed a difference in myself since I have started detaching with love. Its wonderful how much my attitude has changed since I have. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments of anxiety but I recognize them now and am able to work thought them so much easier.
Awesome sharing! I remember when I cleared that critical hurdle of moving from thinking my AW's drinking was the product of a character defect, of which I was the victim ... to realizing it was a disease she did not choose, and was powerless to control. For me it came from hearing a recovering alcoholic share his story. Sounds like from your sharing, seeing the disease from a more objective perspective was what has helped you as well. If you ever have the chance to attend an open meeting with AA participation, you might want to consider taking the opportunity to attend, and hear the story directly from an Alcoholic to whom you don't have an emotional attachment. You might find that it further enhances your ability to detach your husband from his disease, and build on the compassion and empathy you are starting to feel as a result of hearing the story of your close friend.
Great job - it sounds as if your eyes opened to a new way on a new day!! That's awesome - this program works miracles when we work it!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
