I've been tearing my hair out worrying at something and it finally dawned on me to have a look at it with the diagnostic section of my al-anon tool kit. Glad I remembered that I have it!

See, I have taken on a reasonably hefty study load for the coming months. I've just started 2 new online subjects (I can complete about 20% of my degree online) and finished up the last lot, and on January 4th I have enrolled to also begin 2 summer school classes as well as another 2 online; that's 6 weeks of intensive classes and then I start semester 1 in mid February. I've been using the online units to "keep it rolling" ie continuously complete units without taking breaks between semesters. And I've sort of been picturing myself like a steam-roller too. 

OK so here's a (hopefully brief) picture of where I am at with this degree.

I enrolled 8 years ago when daughter was at kinda, just in 1 subject per semester to 'get my feet wet" thinking when she began primary school i could go "full time" and be finished by the time she finished primary school. (It's a 4 year full time degree or 8 years part time). Well that didn't quite work because daughter had her illness and homeschooling and constant doctors and there was managing my horrific codependence and drunk boyfriend and then there was the 2.5 years I spent so ruined and devoid of spirit that I could barely get out of bed and you end up with me at the start of 2015, going back to re-enroll and learning that a) they've changed the course structure and I've lost credit for almost a years worth of work and b) they've made the course longer too, just for S&G's. 

And when I started this degree I was not much older than 30 and now here I am knocking on the door of 40. When I re-enrolled at the start of this year I was informed that the course had been "updated" and that many of the subjects I had completed had to be repeated because they had been essentially rebranded. This made me angry. But I rolled up my sleeves and I did them, again. Life on life's terms and all.

Anyway here I am in the middle of 2 online units right now, I'm due to start summer school and more online units in 3 weeks and then after 6 weeks of intensive summer school, I'll begin semester 1 2016, and bob's your uncle, I should have the entire 4 year degree completed by the end of next week if I just manage my time well enough....

I know I have bitten off more than any sane person can chew. I should explain that daughter is on her summer holiday as of this friday; she doesn't begin school again until feb 2016. So somehow I am going to go to school from 8am-6pm 2 days per week over the summer break at a campus that is 1.5 hours away and also complete 4 online units and do my various crappy-stuff-I-do-for-money-jobs and also parent my vacationing daughter without a single friend or relative within 2 hours. And meanwhile everyone else gets to do the summer holiday thing and I'll just stuff my resentment somewhere dark and angry and push on.

Sure. Brilliant idea.

Any time i think about cutting back the workload, I get upset. Why? I've just had a good look at it with my al-anon glasses on and I realised that most of my motivation for this "I can complete 3 years of a degree in 1 year" idea I have is proving myself to other people, and trying to ease the shame. SO many of my family members/ex husband and his concubine/naysayers in general have commented on the futility of my study efforts over the years. And not one of those people were available to assist in any way when I was desperate for any help when daughter was constantly sick for over 2 years and I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. You know I've felt so ashamed of not finishing my degree for so long and yet my child's father never once- NEVER ONCE minded her so that I could go to school or work, and he's been my biggest critic. I got a job on weekends back when she was 4 and he wouldn't even agree to have her for one day on the weekend; not would my mother and I ended up having to quit for lack of options. I was horrified. Do you know how many times I took my sweet daughter to school with me and she sat next to me in class, colouring? Thank HP for kind teachers and a beautifully behaved kid. I mean I really tried, and all of the people who I learned to feel ashamed around did exactly nothing to contribute except for pointing the finger and telling me how useless I was.

SO. Why am I trying so hard to prove something to any of them? And why am i trying so hard to ignore my own very obvious signs of burnout? (I'm REALLY grumpy and REALLY unreasonable and i know it's because I simply need a bit of a rest from cramming facts into my head).

I bought myself a really, really nice pair of bathers a few days ago. (Remember I said i would?) And I want to enjoy a little bit of summer. Last year I was all homeless and preoccupied with the wailing and the wringing of hands all summer and somehow I didn't go to the beach once.

So I have decided to reduce the workload. I'll still do summer school but drop the morning class and just do 2 afternoons a week plus 4 online classes. That'll be reasonably cruisy; I can essentially do half days throughout the summer vacation and enjoy a bit of summer vacation stuff wit daughter too. I owe my own self far more care and concern than I owe penance to my peanut gallery. And thank HP for al-anon and for learning simple ways to work through these ridiculous scenarios. 

 Sigh, all of that to decide to cut one class from my schedule. What a to-do about nothing.

Thanks for bearing with me folks. 

(((everyone)))